The Truth Behind Mardi Gras

So you have heard of this thing called Mardi Gras, huh? The wild parties, the drunken tourists, and the parades. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but that is not Mardi Gras, that is Bourbon Street in the french quarter any night of the week year round. Ok, well sometimes this is mardi gras, but most parades throughout Louisiana are actually quite different.

This is Mardi Gras:

Real Parades start with old men, you didn’t know that?

It all begins with a couple of old guys walking down the streets with flags. Proudly following the cops on horses and hopefully not stepping in horse crap. If you are lucky they will blow you a kiss.

What could be better than a group of kilted musicians?

Then, the parade gets really wild. Bagpipes baby. It’s getting hot in here, so lets all wear awesome kilts.

Ghostbusters! That’s who. Yes, our parades have the actually ghostbusters.

Yes, we have  a group of men that go around town pretended they are the actual ghostbusters. This is something that is really happening. How do I become friends with them?

hello float full of brides..

What could be more southern than parading a group of women who need to be married on a float? You are too old to find a man on your own, well then we will parade you through town and see if we get any takers.

Wait for it, a second group of kilted bagpipers!

Oh yeah, it is about to get wild, a second group of bagpipers. Who knew there were so many families that bagpiped together? The family that wears skirts together stays together, right?

Even spider man comes to our parades.

Throw me somethin’ Mister! No, not white goo that shoots out of your hand, this is a family parade. Throw me some beads and a plastic cup. God knows I need another mardi gras cup. What else would I drink my sweet tea out of? What you thought I was going to say whiskey didn’t you? Tisk Tisk, I save the whiskey for family holidays and I keep it in a flask, naturally.

Because… The South

It is the time of year when you take your child to see Santa. My daughter was riddled with anticipation all week. When the kids at school would talk about santa, she would inform them, she was going to see santa on sunday. She talked about how she was going to ask him for a christmas tree. Even though we already have one. I guess, ours was not quite good enough. I blame her really, she did most of the decorating.

Many people throughout the land go to see santa at the mall. Not us. We go to Bass Pro. Why go to a hunting store to see santa? Free picture. Need I say more.

We arrive at 11 am. Santa does not get there until noon. They hand us a fast pass for santa at the door. Yes, folks, you can’t just wait in line for Santa at the store anymore. That would be too chaotic. You have to get an appointment. It was for 2:30. I was about to punch the guy in the face, when he was all it’s ok, just go home and come back at 2:30. Really? you obviously don’t have children. Luckily for him, I know they make him say that, so I will blame his boss for being poorly organized and not him.

Little did he know that I had friends in high places at this Bass Pro, I ran over to them frantic and in tears. Ok, not really. They came up to say hi, and I told them our dilemma. Frantic, is so much more exciting though. They ran away quickly and appeared with a fast pass for 12:30, like a hunting store employee super hero, here to rescue us. Score of a lifetime. Now we only had to kill an hour and a half. What do you do at a Bass Pro for an hour and half? Shoot guns? Why? Because the south.

Mother Daughter Bonding

So turns out they don’t let two years olds shoot guns, but they do have a great arcade game, where you can shoot pretend guns at animals. The best part, the animals get mad when you shoot them.

Was it worth the wait? Well… She took one look at santa and went into hysterics. Then spent the whole car ride home talking about how scary santa was. Guess I better warn her teacher since santa is coming to visit them at school this month.

 

p.s. look le clown its my arm!

 

 

I’ll drink to that!

I have been on the ultimate quest for christmas magic folks. I have looked near and far, ok, I haven’t gotten up off the couch. But, my imagination has looked near and far, and that totally counts right? I’m thinking this whole time that Christmas has been hiding in the bottom of my bottle of crown sitting up in the cabinet. I just may have to find some help to get down there and see.

 

This is what I have learned so far on my quest:

1. My daughter is obsessed with Christmas trees and thinks snowmen are bad

T “Stop the car, mommy. Stop the car”

NC “No, we are going to get a christmas tree.”

T “yay! i love christmas trees”

T “Do you see that mommy?”

NC “Yes, its a snow man”

T “Yes its a snow man, you don’t know this but he is bad.”

NC “Why is he bad?”

T “He is a bad bad snowman.”

 

2. A good christmas dessert goes down smooth.

 

 

3. Christmas cookies are way more fun to bake with little kids, then they are by yourself. Plus you don’t have to worry about feeling guilty for not giving them to your neighbors because your kid will either lick them all or stick their fingers in them, claiming them for the family on your behalf. So thoughtful really.

 

 

4. Snowflakes on your window are not the same as snow in your yard. Especially when you still have the blow up pool hanging out in the back yard. Come on freak snow storm.

 

 

 

5. If you don’t put lights on your house, you are a total looser. Unless of course, your goal in life is to ruin everyone’s holiday. In which case you are mean. Like the lady in the gingerbread house that tricked hansel and gretal, but how will you trick us without  a candy house, or lights? You really didn’t think this through did you?

 

6. It is really annoying when people get all worked up over the word Christmas. Come on people not everyone celebrates Christmas, so what? Maybe they celebrate Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or they made up their very own holiday that is so cool only they know about it.  Which is why I say Merry Everything. This way I am letting you know that whatever you chose to do this holiday season, I hope you have a wonderful time. Of course all my decorations say Merry Christmas, stupid hobby lobby. Always gotta bring a hipster down.

 

 

Have you seen my Christmas Spirit?

I have not been feeling the christmas spirit this year. Which is uncharacteristic of me. Last year I decorated on November 1st and starting writing christmas blogs then as well.

Yet, this year nothing. Not even the desire to decorate. I am not sure why this is. But, I do have a few theories.

Last year’s amazing tree! Doesn’t the snow look real??

 

1. We cut off our cable. Thus, I am not seeing any holiday commercials, no ABC 31 days of christmas movies, and no holiday episodes of my favorite shows. How can anyone expect me to be in a holiday mood without the TV telling me its christmas?

2. I am not shopping. Money is tight and I have not even stepped foot into a store. To be honest, I probably won’t. Gotta love online shopping for your instant gratification needs. No stores enticing me to buy more christmas decorations.

3. I don’t go to hobby lobby anymore. This was a quick and painless break up. The Jo Ann Fabrics moved in just down the street and it is all the hobby with none of the crappy lobby. But, all that cheap christmas lobby really does put you in the mood.

4. I am trying to grow out my hair to its natural color. What does this have to do with christmas you say? A girl’s hair can make or break her day, obviously. How can I get all excited when my hair looks like poo. Cute poo, but poo none the less.

5. My Christmas as a child was just the four of us, my mom, dad, sister and me, and we are a quiet people. We would go to church on christmas eve, and make a fancy breakfast christmas morning while opening presents and listening to jazz music softly in the background. Now, my holidays are christmas eve games with the in laws, and store bought “food” (for a foodie this is a nightmare), Christmas morning with step siblings that show up to eat and open presents in two hours and then leave. Needless to say, It is not christmas to me anymore.

6. No snow. I grew up in the midwest, where it was most likely snowing in december and amazing and wonderful and fun and fluffy. Here it will most likely be 80 degrees and yucky. I’m dreaming of a white christmas here folks. Anyone care to ship me some snow on dry ice?

 

Don’t fret too much, I will find my christmas spirit, just like the grinch, and then you will be bombarded with instagram pics of my tree, my stockings, my lights, my christmas cookies, and my presents.

Why aren’t you a food snob?

I have been judged for quite a many things in my life, but one I am growing tired of is being a food snob. Many people constantly tell me I am a picky eater. They are sadly mistaken. I am a genuine foodie.

It truly saddens me that many Americans have no appreciation for real or good food. When it comes to food they care about how cheap it is and how much they can  get? Just the thought of that makes my skin crawl. I know you all know these people. They are first to chime in that their favorite restaurant is Olive Garden. Dear God, help them in their time of need.

Food was meant to be cooked slowly, and eaten slowly, so that every bite can be savored and appreciated for it’s diverse flavors. When I met the wife she had never had real food. Ever. Still the food her mother puts out for a meal frightens me. We have begun simply bringing our own food. Yes, I know that is probably rude, but you have not seen the stuff being she “cooks.”

It has taken me two years, but I have successfully transformed the wife into a food snob. Ice cream from scratch, homemade biscuits, slowly smoked chicken, Beef Wellington for holidays!! I am getting goosebumps just imagining the deliciousness. Many friends ask how do I have the time. It does not take any more time to cook from scratch then it does from a frozen box. This is a lie Americans tell themselves, so they feel less guilty for feeding their family horrid food.

Beef Wellington in all it’s glory

If the food is not good, don’t eat it. It is as simple as that.

If the food is processed, or full of chemical compounds, don’t eat it. Run away you just saw a monster.

If the food is genetically modified, or heaven forbid uses genetically modified oil, burn it. Genetically modified food has scientifically been shown to make rats unable to produce children. Which is why it is banned in 50 countries. Not the good ol’ USA though. We only ban things that have no impact on us.

I wish I could spend my time teaching moms how to cook from scratch with their families. It is not only a fun way to pass the time, but a wonderful learning experience for everyone. Every sunday I would have classes where you brought the whole family and we could learn how to cook a simple from scratch meal that you could take home for sunday dinner.

Changing lives one meal at a time.

*image from www.happydaycatering.com

Preparing for the big day.

St. Patrick’s Day is almost here. Just a few more days until green beer flows freely through the streets. I have been training for weeks to prepare. Not for the beer mind you, I only drink crown, but for the madness that is St. Patrick’s Day.

http://www.sentryjournal.com

In case you are in a frantic wreck trying to prepare, I have created a few quick tips to help you out.

1. Irish Parades: Start carrying around cabbage with you everywhere you go. Throw it at random people as they pass. This way when the floats throw cabbage and potatoes at you, you will not want to scream at them when it hits you. Sympathy.

2. Start pinching people who are not wearing green now. When people act surprised, and angry, simply tell them you were so worried you would not see them saturday that you could not leave them out of the fun.

3. Add green food coloring to all your food. So, when you are in public and the look of vomit green food makes you sick, you will have practiced. If all else fails pretend you are pregnant and puke. Men, pretend you have sympathy symptoms, or say you are pregnant too, it happens.

4.Dye your bath tub green. This serves no real purpose, but damn who wouldn’t want to take a green bath.

5. Last of all. Watch out for those leprechauns. They lost their gold in a bet with Romney. I don’t know what their plans are, but be careful. You do not want to cross a leprechaun.

A Louisiana Spring

Summer is slowly trickling in this week. The air has begun to thicken. Moisture has begun to wind its way through the trees and up into my house. The camelias have bloomed all over the city. Their beautiful petals floating through the breeze.

Summer brings so many wonderful South Louisiana traditions. Warm afternoons of Jazz in the hot sun while drinking a strawberry beer. Hot Boiled crawfish spread across a picnic table covered in newspaper.

This time of year it is easy to forget that soon it will be so hot that you will not be able to remember what cold is. But for now I will sip my sweet tea on the back porch and look lovingly on the blooming flowers as the heat soothes my winter soul.

Valentine’s Day I think I will pass

I have placed the following video in for you to play as you read my blog to set the mood. Plus it is a video of some great Louisiana Zydeco Dancing.

It is February. All over most of the world stores are covered in hearts, chocolates, and love. Not in south Louisiana. It is almost as if Valentine’s day simply does not exist here. Sure it is mentioned here or there. But why do anything for Valentine’s Day when it is MARDI GRAS!!

Mardi Gras is six weeks of parades, parties, and bon temps. To many who thought Mardi Gras was simply a few days of partying in New Orleans and Rio, you are sadly misinformed. Mardi Gras begins the day after Epiphany and does not end until ash wednesday. Multiple parades every weekend throughout the state. Some are family friendly and have young dance troops wearing bikinis and shaking their booty to explicit music. Some parades are at night and are covered in lights. Transforming the city into a glistening twinkle of times past. Some parades are risque throwing everything from thong underwear to condoms. One special parade at 8 am throws painted coconuts. But, only a few every year. You have to get their early enough to get a spot good enough to catch one. But my favorite is a parade in which everyone wears all hot pink. Everyone in the floats, everyone who goes. Flamingoes cover the town in their feathers like a soft snow.

Did I mention the King Cake? Every bakery makes it. They all claim to be the best. Most of them are dry. The best one is Haydel’s in New Orleans. Trust me. If you say otherwise. I will call you a liar and stick out my tongue.

Do I miss Valentine’s Day? Sure from time to time. But what I get instead is so much better.

What is your holiday missing?

Festivus. It is what is missing from my holiday season. (yes I did say holiday. I want to include everyone of every belief this time of year because you are all special in your own way. Can’t handle it. Then Bring it.)

As described in the very realiable Wikipedia (it’s where facts are born) :

Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23 as a way to celebrate the holiday season without participating in its pressures and commercialism.^[1] It was created by writer Dan O’Keefe and introduced into popular culture by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for the TV show Seinfeld,^[1][2] as part of a comical storyline on the show. The holiday’s celebration, as shown on Seinfeld, includes an unadorned aluminum “Festivus pole”, practices such as the “Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength“, and the labeling of easily explainable events as “Festivus miracles”. Celebrants of the holiday sometimes refer to it as “a Festivus for the rest of us”, a saying taken from the O’Keefe family traditions and popularized in the Seinfeld episode to describe Festivus’ non-commercial aspect.

Why do we all need a little Festivus in our lives?

1. Airing of grievances. What I wouldn’t give to really sit down with friends and family and actually say what is on my mind. You know you want to. Double plus its a years worth of therapy all wrapped up in one day. “Oh but I don’t have any grievances, my life is perfect.” Oh I’m sorry I just threw up a little, what did you say?

2. Feats of Strength. Wrestling after dinner with the head of the house. Come on, how could it get any better than that? I can see it now, my first festivus, just waiting on who would try and beat me in a battle of strength, watching and looking for a good challenge throughout dinner. Everyone circles around and then utter domination! Wham! I win! Five seconds flat. Hey Hey a girl can dream.

3. The Festivus pole- Why have a tree that will cover your house with little needles when you can have a shiny pole. There are so many fun things to be done with a pole. Need I say more.

4. Dinner- Food, no explanation necessary.

5. No presents- This way no pressure to buy presents for people you never want to buy gifts for anyway. Yes grandma I mean you.

 *Images from www.festivus.biz and google images*

Holiday Survival

The pressure surrounding Christmas can be overwhelming. Holiday parties, family gatherings, shopping for the perfect gift, and of course having the best christmas decorations on the block. But the most pressure of all comes from your response when receiving a terrible gift. I have created a ready to go list of responses you can use.

 

How did you know I didn’t have any of these!

I am speechless…. Thank you so much

Where did you get this? I have never seen anything like it.

Oh what a creative idea!

You know I don’t usually like these but this is great!

I almost bought this for myself last week!

Oh you shouldn’t have.

My friends are going to be so jealous.

 

In order to be successful you must remember to be enthusiastic, but not overly enthusiastic or they will get suspicious. Hold back the tears. And if you can’t keep from crying make sure to pawn them off as tears of joy. Most importantly have a holiday drink on hand. Everything seems better with a glass of egg nog!

 

*image from graspingforobjectivity.com *