She Carrie Bradshawed him…

It all started when my brother started dating this girl. Let’s call her Jenny. Jenny and my brother let’s call him Tommy, fell quickly in love. Although none of us knew why. We all just watched their relationship like a slow moving accident waiting for them to explode. And did they.

I love them both dearly, but separately. Very separately. Jenny is a free spirit. The type of spirit not meant to be tied down to a person or a place. I could easily see her wandering Tibet on a spiritual journey. Tommy is a carefree, but stable man.  Though he may not realize it all of the time he is a southern family man. Their life paths simply were not headed in the same direction.

But who cares when you are in love. They got engaged anyways. After a year of negotiation. *Hint to readers, your engagement should not require negotiation. *

They were engaged for a few months, when their friends threw them an engagement party. We walked up the steps of this beautiful New Orleans Row house and there she was. Just standing there with her engagement ring on a necklace around her neck.

The entire sub plot of Carrie’s engagement to Aiden flashed before my eyes. Is she really at her own engagement party and not wearing the ring on her finger. This is not seriously happening. Who does this? I wanted to ask her just to see if she would say that she wanted the ring to be close to her heart, like Carrie used to say.

How did no one else at this party notice? Maybe we all noticed and we just didn’t say anything.

A few weeks later she broke it off. My brother broke into a million pieces. How do you tell someone that you saw this coming, we all saw this coming?

There are things that happen in real life and things that happen on tv and every once in a while they both happen together in a monumental disastrous way.

Did that really happen? Did she really Carrie Bradshaw her own engagement party?

Yes

Yes it did.

What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.

image from :http://tstotopix.me/tag/grass/

At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. 🙂

Everyone’s an Addict

What’s your poison?

Looks tasty, I’ll have a shot!

Is it fast food? Romance Novels? Watching grass grow? Perhaps something harder? Alcohol? Cigarettes? Clown Porn?

me?

It’s exercise.

The kind that you hate to give in to, you dread it, and then somewhere in the middle of it the dread washes away. The adrenaline rushes through your body reaching into your soul. The road beckons you to just go a little further. The wind swirls past you seeming to lure you around the corner. As you slow to a walk, they call to you, begging your return. And in a matter of moments, I am ready to turn around and begin again. Damn, it feels so good.

For some of you this may sound a trifle  addiction. Sure, I can wax poetic about it now, because right now I have it under control. Right now I am not exercising on my way to exercise. Right now I am not laying in bed thinking about my next workout. Right now I am not consumed. How long can I remain in the Right now?

Can you walk the line?

You know it isn’t a straight line, don’t you? The damn line is always moving trying to get me to fall off.

Damn line.  Don’t they know lines are infinitely straight? Who do they think they are?

Favorite Posts From This Year #10

What would a top ten countdown on my blog be without a post with aliens?

So, you need someone to blame

I am in the need of some serious detectives. Someone has been throwing dead fish in the drainage ditch next to my house.

Who could possibly be doing such a despicable thing? The smell in the thick swamp summer air is powerful enough to make you beg for mercy.

My first thought was the crazy man at the end of the street. He has security cameras all around his house, called the cops because someone dropped a piece of fruit on his driveway, kept them there for hours over it. Every year he lets his beard go crazy and goes up to the VA to show he has PTSD, so he can continue to get disability. Does he really? Guess we shall never know, but I am leaning towards yes.

But, if it were him, that would require him leaving his house, which he does not do.

Hmmm… It could be the crazy teenagers that live across the street. Four teenage girls. Their mother is never home. Come to think of it, no one is ever home. They must all have a separate life someplace else. Plus, they don’t seem like the type to touch dead fish.

Maybe it is the thug cats collecting a stash so they can have one raging party later this weekend? I really need to invest in some cat repellant for my yard. Or at least charging an entrance fee.

I think the only obvious solution is aliens.

It is truly the answer to all questions. Why is so hot this year? Aliens. Why is Michelle Bachmann so scary? Aliens. Where do all those missing socks go? Aliens.

image from doubtfulcompetency.blogspot.com

Favorite Posts From This Year #9

This time a blog about being judged for being a foodie. Maybe I need to stop worrying about how or why people are judging me.

Why aren’t you a food snob?

I have been judged for quite a many things in my life, but one I am growing tired of is being a food snob. Many people constantly tell me I am a picky eater. They are sadly mistaken. I am a genuine foodie.

It truly saddens me that many Americans have no appreciation for real or good food. When it comes to food they care about how cheap it is and how much they can  get? Just the thought of that makes my skin crawl. I know you all know these people. They are first to chime in that their favorite restaurant is Olive Garden. Dear God, help them in their time of need.

Food was meant to be cooked slowly, and eaten slowly, so that every bite can be savored and appreciated for it’s diverse flavors. When I met the wife she had never had real food. Ever. Still the food her mother puts out for a meal frightens me. We have begun simply bringing our own food. Yes, I know that is probably rude, but you have not seen the stuff that she “cooks.”

It has taken me two years, but I have successfully transformed the wife into a food snob. Ice cream from scratch, homemade biscuits, slowly smoked chicken, Beef Wellington for holidays!! I am getting goosebumps just imagining the deliciousness. Many friends ask how do I have the time. It does not take any more time to cook from scratch then it does from a frozen box. This is a lie Americans tell themselves, so they feel less guilty for feeding their family horrid food.

Beef Wellington in all it’s glory

If the food is not good, don’t eat it. It is as simple as that.

If the food is processed, or full of chemical compounds, don’t eat it. Run away you just saw a monster.

If the food is genetically modified, or heaven forbid uses genetically modified oil, burn it. Genetically modified food has scientifically been shown to make rats unable to produce children. Which is why it is banned in 50 countries. Not the good ol’ USA though. We only ban things that have no impact on us.

I wish I could spend my time teaching moms how to cook from scratch with their families. It is not only a fun way to pass the time, but a wonderful learning experience for everyone. Every sunday I would have classes where you brought the whole family and we could learn how to cook a simple from scratch meal that you could take home for sunday dinner.

Changing lives one meal at a time.

*image from www.happydaycatering.com

Favorite Posts From This Year #8

People make such snap judgements of you. The moment they meet you. And somedays I just would like to be judged by the pages in my book not my cover.

I am not cute damnit 

I am petite, thin,  and “cute as a button” giving me quite the innocent look.

This pisses me off. And has since I was a kid.

I AM NOT CUTE! DAMNIT! I am edgy and dangerous.

image from google images

I promise

really

damn, no I’m not.

This would not be a problem, except people laugh at me. All the time. Literally.

Why blog about this today? If this is a life long problem. I walk into work and go to my department head to let them know I got a new tattoo and it is visible. I am allowed to show my tattoos as long as they are tasteful. What was her response and the response of a co worker. Laughter. For five minutes. Followed by you are just so funny. Why? Because I just don’t look like a girl that would get tattoos, so me enjoying getting tattoos is just ridiculous.

image from http://shimmerlings.files.wordpress.com

This post is for all of us out there that are tired of being considered completely ridiculous by simply being ourselves.

No matter how many times they laugh, write you off, or dismiss you, stand tall! Be proud!

image from http://michellelitchman.files.wordpress.com

Favorite Posts From This Year #7

I learned some very big life lesson this year. One of them, light bulbs are evil.

No I will not buy your shit anymore.

There is a conspiracy going on between the beauty industry and the light bulb industry. Oh and I am about to blow that shit wide open. They would have you believe they have nothing in common. They are just bringing light to the dark world. Lies.

from google images

You see they have different types of light bulbs that affect the way your image is viewed in a mirror. In particular restroom mirrors. Everyday I go to the middle school faculty bathroom, as it is the nicest, and the flourescent bulb makes me look as though I should be turning into a zombie in moments. Panic strikes my soul, and immediately I think I need a new dye job, a new keratin treatment, fresh makeup, and new clothes. Then I get home look in my mirror with nothing but natural light, and am floored by my statuesque beauty.

Blasted evil light people got me again. Damn you. I will not be tricked by your magic light beams into buying beauty products I do not need. I imagine the beauty industry is paying the light people millions of dollars to fool us into buying their products. As all women are beautiful and do not need to cover it up with colorful face paint.

The urge is so strong to go and buy something, I am left wondering if the mirror people are in on it as well.

Rise up women!

I have found a solution!

Start going to the bathroom in the dark.

Favorite Posts From This Year #6

This was my most popular post all year. 10,000 views. People feel very strongly about pinterest. You can love it or hate it, but I am too deep to get out now.

Pinterest is killing you softly with its song

Be careful. Pinterest is filling you with unattainable dreams about how your life will never be. I know it is blasphemous to say such things about the god fearing pinterest, but it had to be said.

I have a number of problems with what pinterest is doing to you. And so should you.

Image from http://www.foodieregistry.com

1. People post dessert far too much. I mean come on. Who eats that much dessert. No one. Not even  the Duggars.

2. You will never have a house with rooms like you pin. Yes that million dollar kitchen you just posted does not exist not for you, not for me, only Blue Ivy. And that bathroom overlooking the jungles of Tahiti, you are more likely to sleep with Johnny Depp than have that house.

3. The I am not pregnant do not have any kids, but pin about my future unborn children. Maybe you are not superstitious, but don’t go selling the milk before you bought the cow. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to find out I couldn’t have kids and have 100 pins about babies.

4. My style. I don’t know how to say this, but that picture of the super cute outfit looks just like all the other outfits you posted with different colors. Wearing jeans, shoes, jewelry, and a shirt is not a “style,” it is just the same boring outfit every teenager out there wears. But if you were going for that teenage look then, success!

5. The whole legality issue. You have no legal right to republish peoples original work. What does pinterest say about that, well that you won’t pin anything unless you have expressed consent to pin it. So can someone come after you for repinning something of theirs, yep.

Will I keep pinning, absolutely. I am addicted. It is too late for me. Save yourself …. if you can…

Favorite Posts From This Year #4

This post speaks to my thoughts on the south. Even though I think we have a whole lot of crazy up in here from time to time. I still love the south.

Enjoy this post My south

I have been posed the question “Why do you live in the South?” a lot lately. As someone who is gay, married, and raising a family; I can see how people would struggle to see why I would chose the south. It is often considered to be the opposite of who I am.

I have written a handful of posts specifically about living in Louisiana here  that will paint a picture of the south through my eyes.

The quiet silence of a small town

Trying to put into words what the south means to a southerner is difficult to do, so I will start at the beginning.

Being a southerner is like being a part of a secret club that everyone knows about. You have to prove yourself to get invited in, but once you are in you are in for life. Of course unless you do something crazy. In which case, you need to openly ask Jesus for forgiveness and we will let you back in.

The south is the people. Sure you could say it is something about those long hot summers and never ending glasses of sweet tea that do something to you, but down here it is about the people. The whole town may talk about what crazy things you did last saturday night and how they cannot believe you are dating so and so, but if you are sick the whole town shows up with a hot meal. The first words children are taught is please, thank you, and sorry. Yes Ma’am and No sir apply to everyone out of respect. It is not about your age.

And then there is the food. It isn’t simply food. It is bacon cooked in brown sugar, pecans, and cayenne pepper. Food is not something you do to get the best body or help you finish the race. It is a ritual, an event, and a time to catch up with family and friends.

As the suns sets on a warm summer evening with the breeze blowing past you full of memories of times past, and you sink into your porch swing, you can feel the soul of the south wrapping its arms around you whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Listen carefully

Favorite Post From This Year #3

From time to time I like to write a little poetry. Here is one of my favorites from this year.

 

Goodness, hospitality, humanity 

 

What is kindness?

Does it even exist anymore?

I think

I saw some kindness 

once

but, I can’t be sure.

What does it look like?

Is it religion?

Is it faith?

Maybe it is much

simpler

than that.

If you looked for it

everyday

all day

how much would you

find?

Is it too

late

for me

or

you

Maybe if we can

find some

hope 

it will

lead us

to

kindness.

Will you recognize it?