Because… The South

It is the time of year when you take your child to see Santa. My daughter was riddled with anticipation all week. When the kids at school would talk about santa, she would inform them, she was going to see santa on sunday. She talked about how she was going to ask him for a christmas tree. Even though we already have one. I guess, ours was not quite good enough. I blame her really, she did most of the decorating.

Many people throughout the land go to see santa at the mall. Not us. We go to Bass Pro. Why go to a hunting store to see santa? Free picture. Need I say more.

We arrive at 11 am. Santa does not get there until noon. They hand us a fast pass for santa at the door. Yes, folks, you can’t just wait in line for Santa at the store anymore. That would be too chaotic. You have to get an appointment. It was for 2:30. I was about to punch the guy in the face, when he was all it’s ok, just go home and come back at 2:30. Really? you obviously don’t have children. Luckily for him, I know they make him say that, so I will blame his boss for being poorly organized and not him.

Little did he know that I had friends in high places at this Bass Pro, I ran over to them frantic and in tears. Ok, not really. They came up to say hi, and I told them our dilemma. Frantic, is so much more exciting though. They ran away quickly and appeared with a fast pass for 12:30, like a hunting store employee super hero, here to rescue us. Score of a lifetime. Now we only had to kill an hour and a half. What do you do at a Bass Pro for an hour and half? Shoot guns? Why? Because the south.

Mother Daughter Bonding

So turns out they don’t let two years olds shoot guns, but they do have a great arcade game, where you can shoot pretend guns at animals. The best part, the animals get mad when you shoot them.

Was it worth the wait? Well… She took one look at santa and went into hysterics. Then spent the whole car ride home talking about how scary santa was. Guess I better warn her teacher since santa is coming to visit them at school this month.

 

p.s. look le clown its my arm!

 

 

I’ll drink to that!

I have been on the ultimate quest for christmas magic folks. I have looked near and far, ok, I haven’t gotten up off the couch. But, my imagination has looked near and far, and that totally counts right? I’m thinking this whole time that Christmas has been hiding in the bottom of my bottle of crown sitting up in the cabinet. I just may have to find some help to get down there and see.

 

This is what I have learned so far on my quest:

1. My daughter is obsessed with Christmas trees and thinks snowmen are bad

T “Stop the car, mommy. Stop the car”

NC “No, we are going to get a christmas tree.”

T “yay! i love christmas trees”

T “Do you see that mommy?”

NC “Yes, its a snow man”

T “Yes its a snow man, you don’t know this but he is bad.”

NC “Why is he bad?”

T “He is a bad bad snowman.”

 

2. A good christmas dessert goes down smooth.

 

 

3. Christmas cookies are way more fun to bake with little kids, then they are by yourself. Plus you don’t have to worry about feeling guilty for not giving them to your neighbors because your kid will either lick them all or stick their fingers in them, claiming them for the family on your behalf. So thoughtful really.

 

 

4. Snowflakes on your window are not the same as snow in your yard. Especially when you still have the blow up pool hanging out in the back yard. Come on freak snow storm.

 

 

 

5. If you don’t put lights on your house, you are a total looser. Unless of course, your goal in life is to ruin everyone’s holiday. In which case you are mean. Like the lady in the gingerbread house that tricked hansel and gretal, but how will you trick us without  a candy house, or lights? You really didn’t think this through did you?

 

6. It is really annoying when people get all worked up over the word Christmas. Come on people not everyone celebrates Christmas, so what? Maybe they celebrate Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or they made up their very own holiday that is so cool only they know about it.  Which is why I say Merry Everything. This way I am letting you know that whatever you chose to do this holiday season, I hope you have a wonderful time. Of course all my decorations say Merry Christmas, stupid hobby lobby. Always gotta bring a hipster down.

 

 

Have you seen my Christmas Spirit?

I have not been feeling the christmas spirit this year. Which is uncharacteristic of me. Last year I decorated on November 1st and starting writing christmas blogs then as well.

Yet, this year nothing. Not even the desire to decorate. I am not sure why this is. But, I do have a few theories.

Last year’s amazing tree! Doesn’t the snow look real??

 

1. We cut off our cable. Thus, I am not seeing any holiday commercials, no ABC 31 days of christmas movies, and no holiday episodes of my favorite shows. How can anyone expect me to be in a holiday mood without the TV telling me its christmas?

2. I am not shopping. Money is tight and I have not even stepped foot into a store. To be honest, I probably won’t. Gotta love online shopping for your instant gratification needs. No stores enticing me to buy more christmas decorations.

3. I don’t go to hobby lobby anymore. This was a quick and painless break up. The Jo Ann Fabrics moved in just down the street and it is all the hobby with none of the crappy lobby. But, all that cheap christmas lobby really does put you in the mood.

4. I am trying to grow out my hair to its natural color. What does this have to do with christmas you say? A girl’s hair can make or break her day, obviously. How can I get all excited when my hair looks like poo. Cute poo, but poo none the less.

5. My Christmas as a child was just the four of us, my mom, dad, sister and me, and we are a quiet people. We would go to church on christmas eve, and make a fancy breakfast christmas morning while opening presents and listening to jazz music softly in the background. Now, my holidays are christmas eve games with the in laws, and store bought “food” (for a foodie this is a nightmare), Christmas morning with step siblings that show up to eat and open presents in two hours and then leave. Needless to say, It is not christmas to me anymore.

6. No snow. I grew up in the midwest, where it was most likely snowing in december and amazing and wonderful and fun and fluffy. Here it will most likely be 80 degrees and yucky. I’m dreaming of a white christmas here folks. Anyone care to ship me some snow on dry ice?

 

Don’t fret too much, I will find my christmas spirit, just like the grinch, and then you will be bombarded with instagram pics of my tree, my stockings, my lights, my christmas cookies, and my presents.

It is that time of year again

It is a rainy saturday afternoon. Playing blocks with a 2 year old. Building castles with doors ( the doors are apparently very important) and knocking them over. Then putting pretzels on our heads and going look I’m a princess.

What this situation really needs, I thought to myself, is Christmas music. It is after all July. (Jesus was really born in July or so they say)

I myself am a fan of the christmas. Ok that is an understatement. I have been pinning christmas DIY crafts for months.

Yet I do not live in a cold state. This means no snow at christmas. No white christmas. No Ice skating ( not the fake ice skating in shorts they do here) I want a turkey for christmas, not alligator.

I put my christmas tree that has rotating LED lights up in my classroom last year on November 1st. I got in trouble with our priest. ( I work at a religious school) Ok, not really in trouble, but he was disappointed. And you know what I simply do not see the problem. One cannot be too festive.

I think that I should be able to listen to my christmas music year round damn it. This is America. So if you see me out in my Christmas sweater this week in the 100 degree weather, some of you may shake your head in shame, but others will cheer!

Christmas everyday !!!

p.s. now my daughter is running around the house going happy christmas everyone! Success!

Trying to find the light

In desperate need of some Christmas cheer. We made the epic journey to a Christmas light display. Ok so it was only an hour, but it felt like we were on a journey for Christmas Treasure. Traveling through the darkness waiting for the light to appear.  As a parent it is easy to tell when the lights are near. Because your child will start to go woah woah woah! Which is super awesome FYI. We got a new camera this Christmas and so I will share some of the pics. We are still learning to use it, so I promise better pics as the year progresses.

There were two trees with lights that were moving to make it look as though the trees were crying.

We rode a train under a tunnel of lights !

There was a beautiful Carousel just waiting to be ridden.

And of Course a rainbow which led the way to the Christmas Treasure

What is your holiday missing?

Festivus. It is what is missing from my holiday season. (yes I did say holiday. I want to include everyone of every belief this time of year because you are all special in your own way. Can’t handle it. Then Bring it.)

As described in the very realiable Wikipedia (it’s where facts are born) :

Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23 as a way to celebrate the holiday season without participating in its pressures and commercialism.^[1] It was created by writer Dan O’Keefe and introduced into popular culture by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for the TV show Seinfeld,^[1][2] as part of a comical storyline on the show. The holiday’s celebration, as shown on Seinfeld, includes an unadorned aluminum “Festivus pole”, practices such as the “Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength“, and the labeling of easily explainable events as “Festivus miracles”. Celebrants of the holiday sometimes refer to it as “a Festivus for the rest of us”, a saying taken from the O’Keefe family traditions and popularized in the Seinfeld episode to describe Festivus’ non-commercial aspect.

Why do we all need a little Festivus in our lives?

1. Airing of grievances. What I wouldn’t give to really sit down with friends and family and actually say what is on my mind. You know you want to. Double plus its a years worth of therapy all wrapped up in one day. “Oh but I don’t have any grievances, my life is perfect.” Oh I’m sorry I just threw up a little, what did you say?

2. Feats of Strength. Wrestling after dinner with the head of the house. Come on, how could it get any better than that? I can see it now, my first festivus, just waiting on who would try and beat me in a battle of strength, watching and looking for a good challenge throughout dinner. Everyone circles around and then utter domination! Wham! I win! Five seconds flat. Hey Hey a girl can dream.

3. The Festivus pole- Why have a tree that will cover your house with little needles when you can have a shiny pole. There are so many fun things to be done with a pole. Need I say more.

4. Dinner- Food, no explanation necessary.

5. No presents- This way no pressure to buy presents for people you never want to buy gifts for anyway. Yes grandma I mean you.

 *Images from www.festivus.biz and google images*

Holiday Survival

The pressure surrounding Christmas can be overwhelming. Holiday parties, family gatherings, shopping for the perfect gift, and of course having the best christmas decorations on the block. But the most pressure of all comes from your response when receiving a terrible gift. I have created a ready to go list of responses you can use.

 

How did you know I didn’t have any of these!

I am speechless…. Thank you so much

Where did you get this? I have never seen anything like it.

Oh what a creative idea!

You know I don’t usually like these but this is great!

I almost bought this for myself last week!

Oh you shouldn’t have.

My friends are going to be so jealous.

 

In order to be successful you must remember to be enthusiastic, but not overly enthusiastic or they will get suspicious. Hold back the tears. And if you can’t keep from crying make sure to pawn them off as tears of joy. Most importantly have a holiday drink on hand. Everything seems better with a glass of egg nog!

 

*image from graspingforobjectivity.com *

When Christmas attacks!

I didn’t see it coming. You see Christmas is my best friend. We reminisce all year about our good times together and plan for our next visit. We listen to our special music together, bake cookies, and decorate everything in sight. Christmas never disappoints me. She has been there for me every year no matter what is going on in our lives.

This year I decided it was time to throw my own Christmas party. I have been to many Christmas parties but never hosted one myself. In trying to plan the perfect party I decided a cookie swap would be perfect. Who doesn’t need more cookies in their life? I begin to invite people growing more and more excited each passing day. As guests begin to arrive the cookies begin to pile up like a growing mountain on the dining room table. Each time I look back it as though they have begun to multiply on their own. The table is now overflowing. At first I am not too worried. Everyone will take cookies home it will be ok. As people slowly leave the party the cookies don’t go down in size they appear to still be growing. They are going to take over my house. I have to go on the defense before it’s too late. I try to get people to take them home, but it’s as if they know the cookies are about to attack and they want nothing to do with them. The cookies begin to appear in different places throughout the house. How is this possible? What do they want? What am I going to do? There is no choice you must eat them, I tell myself. But there are so many it can’t be done!

I have no choice but to hide from the cookies and hope they give up.

 

Lets go cut down a turkey

 

There is nothing like a day that celebrates food. Yeah Yeah you are supposed to give thanks and stuff. But its all about the food, and then shopping. I mean thats what the TV tells me and the TV never lies. Just look at Fox news. No opinions, just facts.

This year I am thinking go cut down a turkey just like christmas trees. There must be places I can go run after a turkey and chop it dead to put on my table. Ooh better stop at the bass pro first to get a new camo dress to hunt turkey in. The camo underwear I got there is just too cute.

I can see it now, the family gathered around: Everyone awkardly listing the things they are thankful for. The group decision on which way to pass food, the new boyfriend at family dinner nervously making chit chat. My daughter wearing the biggest poofiest dress out of her closet with as many bows as she can fit on her head. My dad hinting I need to change my discipline tactics. The dogs barking. The dogs peeing. The awkward blended family conversations.

Why would I want to miss a day as glorious as this? Because Christmas is way better. Ok so its exactly the same but with presents. PRESENTS!

 

dare to dream

 

It has become hot chocolate weather. But the best hot chocolate is the free kind your students bring you. Even better when you say this would be so good with peppermint. They jump up and go across campus to find you a peppermint to put in it.

It looks like a little life preserver. My mind wonders as I grade papers to swimming in a hot tub full of hot cocoa. With little peppermint floating around the marshmallow pillows. The snowflakes slowly falling around me and melting instantly into the chocolate swirls. Christmas music softly playing in the background.

Wait it is going to be 80 this weekend.

Oh to wish upon a dream