It’s story time

I often think about how most people only look at their parents lives from the point they became parents to now. I admit it is hard for me to imagine my parents in their youth and when I look at photographs it does not look like them, while at the same time it does.

This leads me to wonder how my children will see me. (hehe I have children, still seems surreal) Will they ask me about my pre baby life? Or will they not want to know about my wild youth? My daughter already asks me everyday for tattoos that match mine. Which makes me think of when I got tattoos and people said, “what will you tell your children when they ask for tattoos?” Well this is what I told her, I said when you are 18 you can get a tattoo and then I took a marker and drew a matching tattoo on her foot. She then screamed and went wipe it off! Parenting success.

I have such amazing stories to tell that I hope my daughters want to hear them. I even have the lofty hope that they will learn something from them. But, the notion that I should hide things I have done or pretend to have always been the perfect adult specimen I am now would be foolish.

When I would ask my mother about her youth, she would get very upset and try and claim that she had never done anything foolish outside of the story she tells about wearing black leather pants. Which only made me feel less connected to her. If you cannot tell someone your stories, can you truly say you have any kind of relationship with them? Honestly, I don’t think so.

Who do you tell your stories to?

Some things you wish you could un-hear

Things Teachers hear, but wish oh so badly we never had:

“All male teachers flirt with the female students, you just only do it to a certain point, so they know it is just for fun”- a male teacher

“She dropped out of school because her dad got her pregnant”- a student

“I need to tell you that in your 3rd hour kids have been giving each other hand jobs under the lab tables when you have subs” -a student

“all public school teachers are bad teachers”- a teacher

“I am going to shut down your school and if for someone reason you save it, I will try to shut you down again next year” – superintendent

“I heard there was a gun at your school today?” “I didn’t know that” “Oh yeah it was on the news” “Oh yeah, they don’t even tell us anymore” -my dad and me

“You know she got suspended for sending naked texts to all the boys at school”- a student

“He only hit her because he was angry” – a mom about her son and his girlfriend

You want me to go where?!!

I used to have a class on the first floor. My professor decided the room is too small, so he moved us to the fourth floor. The problem with that is that the building is a few buildings put together, so you cannnot simply go up the stairs to the fourth floor not all stairs lead to the fourth floor. Just like Hogwarts.

Here are the directions I was given:

Go in the entrance on the quad, then go up the first set of stairs to the second floor. Follow the hall until you see a coke machine. Then turn there and go up those stairs to the fourth floor.

Sounds simply ish.

No

I get to the building, walk up the first set of stairs two flights. All the while carrying an epic backpack as I have class for 8 hours a day. Then I walk down the hall. It never ends. I see a staircase and I am tempted to go up, but I have yet to see this magic coke machine, so I press on. The hallway turns left, then turns right, and turns again. Then I go through some doors. The hallway continues. More doors. And I see it the coke machine. And down the little coke hallway is a tiny set of stairs. Super sketchy. So I go up the stairs two more flights. I make it to the forth floor.

What is on the fourth floor of this crazy hogwarts building with staircases that  go nowhere? Physics department. I had stepped into the big bang department. No wonder it was impossible to find.

One would think that it was all safe. I had made it. One problem remained. I had to go to the restroom. The hallways spread out like fingers on a hand on the fourth floor. I picked one, no restroom. I picked another one, no restroom. Now I was lost.

Why? Magical building, Why?

I hope you studied part III

I have been taking you on a magical journey through high school exams. Part One and Part Two.

Giving exams can be quite different from taking them. One of the most frustrating parts of exams is the students who chose not to do the review for the exams. I know I am a great teacher, but you really want me to believe you learned an entire years worth of math so well that you do not need to do any review problems? You flatterer you. Those students are always the first ones finished. I cringe when they set their test down and the front page is covered in mistakes.

Students like that make you understand why someone would want to drink at work. I never would, but I know the feeling of students making you want to drink. There are even t-shirts that say, if you taught highschool you would drink too. Speaking of drinks, I wonder how I can sneak booze into my mother in-laws for memorial day? Should I just flask it? Or go with the Smirnoff in a water bottle? It would be so much easier if drinking wasn’t against their religion. I am just trying to be like jesus and feed the people wine.

As the kids all slowly finish their test, there is always that one still going. They make eye contact and then quickly look away. Knowing I am waiting for them to finish and them alone. It is an intense moment. I try not to look at them, so they will not feel any pressure. Believe it or not I want them to do well on the test. I know you thought I was in teaching for the money, so one day I could go on house hunters international.

Who are these people buying million dollar vacation homes and how do I become friends with them? I have yet to break into this elite group. And watching them on tv is killing me. Must be nice 25 year old couple buying a home in the bahamas because you just want to get away from your stressful life. Must be nice.

As the students all leave for the year I often wonder what I will do without them all summer. Who will fill me in on the latest boy band songs? What will I do without someone telling me how awesome it is to get a driver’s license? And of course what will I do without the daily reminder that every other teacher lets their class go to lunch early?

I always leave my students with this advice- be good and if you can’t be good be safe.

I hope you studied part two

Yesterday I began a wonderful story of the most amazing time in a students life exams.

Each moment during an exam passes so slowly I could swear it stopped. Or maybe it was just the people father time employs playing a cruel cruel joke on me. Damn you father time, control your employees.

2 hours left alone with my thoughts. Scary.

I often think of Sookie in true blood and hope no one can hear my thoughts. Which makes no sense, as I share my thoughts freely with all of you.

In Louisiana seniors get out of school a few weeks earlier than the rest of the high school. I cannot remember if I got out early as a senior. Is this common place in every state? Why would senior year be shorter than other years? I guess they learned all they needed to know.

I used to row crew in college. There was a girl on my team, lets call her Roxanne. Every time we would go to the gym and workout on the ergs (the rowing machines) it was beyond like a porno. People are known to moan when they workout, but this was beyond moaning. It was full out Samantha sex and the city moaning. Maybe we should have said something to her. Can you imagine if her boyfriend had heard her workout then they had sex and she was quiet. Talk about awkward.

I wonder what goes through peoples mind that think everyone should have a right to bully someone. Do they realize that means someone could bully their kid? I don’t think they realize what the kids do on the internet to each other today. Then again sometimes it is those parents doing the bullying.

I bet those parents wouldn’t be so uptight if they had not had to wear those short shorts for so long.

Oh good now 30 minutes have passed.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you studied

Semester Exams are upon us. Students fear them, teachers dread them, and parents sit at home and pray. The whole exam process is intense right up until the exam. Once the exam has begun there is nothing left to do except hope you have studied enough.

image from http://kaykaynewman.files.wordpress.com

As a teacher an exam means sitting in silence for two hours and staring to make sure no one has wandering eyes. As you glance about the room it is quite the amusing sight. There is always the student who has to look around the room, but is careful that they are never looking at someone else. The student who is holding back the tears, as they realize they do not know how to answer a single question. The student who falls asleep in the middle of the test. The student who finishes early and tries to flirt across the room with the popular girl in the corner.

It can be quite boring with nothing to do for hours each day. Thus my mind wanders. I thought I would share with you where my mind wandered today.

First, I noticed a student had hot pink tie dyed socks. And I thought I really love socks. I used to where knee-high rainbow socks with the toes every day. Socks are just so great. You can slide across the wood floor on them. They keep your feet from getting dirty. I should really start wearing socks again.

image from http://www.campist.com/

I am so uncomfortable. I wish I could sit with my knees up, but that is unprofessional. Sure the kids are sitting like that, but you are the adult. Act like a lady damn it. I went to a conference and this old woman asked me why young people sit with their legs up and not proper, and how she always yelled at her students for it. I shrugged and said it is a generational thing. I value comfort over what I am ‘supposed’ to do. You value what you are ‘supposed’ to do over comfort. She did not buy it.

Maybe she could explain to why men used to not only wear short shorts, but it was normal. OMG. Just the pictures of it have given me nightmares. Weren’t they afraid they would fall out? Why was this ever acceptable?

Then, Papa don’t preach came into my head. Not the Madonna one, but Kelly Osbourne. Gosh I miss the Osbourne’s on MTV. SHARON!!!

And I looked up at the clock and noticed ten minutes had past. Dear God.

 

To Be Continued…

Is 50 to old to be a slut?

Enter if you dare....

I live in a fifty year old house. My house has been around almost twice as long as I have. Most of my house has been updated, but you just can’t update the bones of a house. The windows rattle in the wind on a stormy night. The walls are paper thin; allowing me to hear the neighborhood drama. But, the worst sounds come from the front door. All day long it sounds as if someone is falling on it. Perhaps one of the ninja cats from next door ran up and hit the door, or a stick flew through the air and landed at my doorstep. When I open the door, nothing. It has left me perplexed.

The only logical conclusion is ghosts, naturally. Everywhere you step in Louisiana there is another ghost. I wrote a theory on that here. It is possible I have my very own ghost. Someone was kidnapped and killed in my house 30 ish years ago,  the gruesome details about that are here. Maybe the ghost kid is trying to get out of the house every day because at night the door does not make any noise. But what if, my door is actually enticing to all the ghosts in the neighborhood. Each time one of them enters the house the doors shifts.  I did put out a welcome mat and paint the door a sexy red. I knew I should have painted my door a less slutty color.

I'm sexy and I know it

Start talking to strangers

Growing up everyone tells you not to talk to strangers. Sure, they were partially right. Don’t go up to a stranger and start talking about your social security numbers and then ask for a ride in their big white van. But, would it kill you to say good morning?

I went for a walk today. As I walked around the lake I said good morning and smiled at each person I passed. I got a 50% return on my good mornings. I know I can be intimidating, but I was not wearing my trench coat or driving a my big sketchy van, what were they afraid of?

Pause for the scenery

 

There were the old ladies chatting that gladly welcomed my good morning, the construction workers who lingered on their waves, and the surprised runners who almost laughed as they responded.

I like to imagine why people are not speaking to me.

If they are listening to their music, I imagine they are so wrapped up in Kevin Gates, or ICP that they don’t even see me. I mean who doesn’t get lost in the music.

I imagine the bikers are in too much pain from those bike shorts to even speak. I don’t think they come off once you get them on.

The skinny moms, pushing two kids in a $300 jogging stroller; have gone crazy. Who pushing 50 pounds for 4 + miles while they run? Crazy people do. You do not want to talk to the crazy ones. They will cut a bitch.

The random guy sitting in his car watching the people run past. DO NOT TALK TO HIM. He is creepy. Forget that he is probably just waiting on someone, and focus on the small chance he could be sent from the CIA to silence you. You know to much.

 

 

 

Missing the nerds in your life?

Each evening I watch The Big Bang Theory. Ok not every night.

There are many various reasons that people love this show. I love it because it reminds me of college. I went to Georgia Tech. If someone tries to tell you that Georgia Tech is not a nerd school, don’t believe them. While most schools have parties on friday and saturday nights, at Georgia Tech students study on friday and saturday night. Although, one time, I did see a guy having a pretend light saber battle with an imaginary friend on a friday night. He was having a wild party up in that head.

 

70 % of the school is male. Men studying engineering. Not surprisingly, women often came to Tech to get their MRS. degree.     (AKA find a husband) I would say to those girls, sure the odds are good, but the goods are odd. Maybe you like them odd. In which case, you go girl.

Growing up everyone would tell me stories about how college was the best time of their life. I was determined not to be one of those people. Now that I have grown up myself, I see exactly what they mean. College was such a wonderful time. A time of growth, freedom, coming of age, and doing things you will regret in the morning. How can I not look back fondly on those days?

College I miss you, but not enough to be hungover. I think I will just watch The Big Bang Theory and pretend I am there.

 

 

Stop, Drop and Roll

Often times in life you find yourself in awkward uncomfortable situations. One of my least favorite is the walking in on a couple fighting moment. For me this is an every day situation with my neighbors. It is a knock down drag out fight everyday. Then loud phone conversations about affairs. What to do in this situation?

1. Never leave your house again. Your house is warm and safe. And hey you can even get groceries delivered now.

2. Pretend to be on your phone as you walk to and from your car. This gives you the appearance of not hearing anything that is going on.

3. Send flowers with a love you note attached. And just sit and wait for the fireworks to ensure. That will be a good show. Don’t forget to have popcorn ready.

4. Sell your house, join the peace corps, and give up shaving. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

5. Hide behind the curtain and take notes on what not to do in a marriage. Someone might as well learn something from this situation. Then sell your ideas and go on Oprah.