The Truth Behind Mardi Gras

So you have heard of this thing called Mardi Gras, huh? The wild parties, the drunken tourists, and the parades. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but that is not Mardi Gras, that is Bourbon Street in the french quarter any night of the week year round. Ok, well sometimes this is mardi gras, but most parades throughout Louisiana are actually quite different.

This is Mardi Gras:

Real Parades start with old men, you didn't know that?

Real Parades start with old men, you didn’t know that?

It all begins with a couple of old guys walking down the streets with flags. Proudly following the cops on horses and hopefully not stepping in horse crap. If you are lucky they will blow you a kiss.

What could be better than a group of kilted musicians?

What could be better than a group of kilted musicians?

Then, the parade gets really wild. Bagpipes baby. It’s getting hot in here, so lets all wear awesome kilts.

Ghostbusters! That's who. Yes, our parades have the actually ghostbusters.

Ghostbusters! That’s who. Yes, our parades have the actually ghostbusters.

Yes, we have  a group of men that go around town pretended they are the actual ghostbusters. This is something that is really happening. How do I become friends with them?

hello float full of brides..

hello float full of brides..

What could be more southern than parading a group of women who need to be married on a float? You are too old to find a man on your own, well then we will parade you through town and see if we get any takers.

Wait for it, a second group of kilted bagpipers!

Wait for it, a second group of kilted bagpipers!

Oh yeah, it is about to get wild, a second group of bagpipers. Who knew there were so many families that bagpiped together? The family that wears skirts together stays together, right?

Even spider man comes to our parades.

Even spider man comes to our parades.

Throw me somethin’ Mister! No, not white goo that shoots out of your hand, this is a family parade. Throw me some beads and a plastic cup. God knows I need another mardi gras cup. What else would I drink my sweet tea out of? What you thought I was going to say whiskey didn’t you? Tisk Tisk, I save the whiskey for family holidays and I keep it in a flask, naturally.

Preparing for the big day.

St. Patrick’s Day is almost here. Just a few more days until green beer flows freely through the streets. I have been training for weeks to prepare. Not for the beer mind you, I only drink crown, but for the madness that is St. Patrick’s Day.

In case you are in a frantic wreck trying to prepare, I have created a few quick tips to help you out.

1. Irish Parades: Start carrying around cabbage with you everywhere you go. Throw it at random people as they pass. This way when the floats throw cabbage and potatoes at you, you will not want to scream at them when it hits you. Sympathy.

2. Start pinching people who are not wearing green now. When people act surprised, and angry, simply tell them you were so worried you would not see them saturday that you could not leave them out of the fun.

3. Add green food coloring to all your food. So, when you are in public and the look of vomit green food makes you sick, you will have practiced. If all else fails pretend you are pregnant and puke. Men, pretend you have sympathy symptoms, or say you are pregnant too, it happens.

4.Dye your bath tub green. This serves no real purpose, but damn who wouldn’t want to take a green bath.

5. Last of all. Watch out for those leprechauns. They lost their gold in a bet with Romney. I don’t know what their plans are, but be careful. You do not want to cross a leprechaun.

Valentine’s Day I think I will pass

I have placed the following video in for you to play as you read my blog to set the mood. Plus it is a video of some great Louisiana Zydeco Dancing.

It is February. All over most of the world stores are covered in hearts, chocolates, and love. Not in south Louisiana. It is almost as if Valentine’s day simply does not exist here. Sure it is mentioned here or there. But why do anything for Valentine’s Day when it is MARDI GRAS!!

Mardi Gras is six weeks of parades, parties, and bon temps. To many who thought Mardi Gras was simply a few days of partying in New Orleans and Rio, you are sadly misinformed. Mardi Gras begins the day after Epiphany and does not end until ash wednesday. Multiple parades every weekend throughout the state. Some are family friendly and have young dance troops wearing bikinis and shaking their booty to explicit music. Some parades are at night and are covered in lights. Transforming the city into a glistening twinkle of times past. Some parades are risque throwing everything from thong underwear to condoms. One special parade at 8 am throws painted coconuts. But, only a few every year. You have to get their early enough to get a spot good enough to catch one. But my favorite is a parade in which everyone wears all hot pink. Everyone in the floats, everyone who goes. Flamingoes cover the town in their feathers like a soft snow.

Did I mention the King Cake? Every bakery makes it. They all claim to be the best. Most of them are dry. The best one is Haydel’s in New Orleans. Trust me. If you say otherwise. I will call you a liar and stick out my tongue.

Do I miss Valentine’s Day? Sure from time to time. But what I get instead is so much better.