Preparing for the big day.

St. Patrick’s Day is almost here. Just a few more days until green beer flows freely through the streets. I have been training for weeks to prepare. Not for the beer mind you, I only drink crown, but for the madness that is St. Patrick’s Day.

In case you are in a frantic wreck trying to prepare, I have created a few quick tips to help you out.

1. Irish Parades: Start carrying around cabbage with you everywhere you go. Throw it at random people as they pass. This way when the floats throw cabbage and potatoes at you, you will not want to scream at them when it hits you. Sympathy.

2. Start pinching people who are not wearing green now. When people act surprised, and angry, simply tell them you were so worried you would not see them saturday that you could not leave them out of the fun.

3. Add green food coloring to all your food. So, when you are in public and the look of vomit green food makes you sick, you will have practiced. If all else fails pretend you are pregnant and puke. Men, pretend you have sympathy symptoms, or say you are pregnant too, it happens.

4.Dye your bath tub green. This serves no real purpose, but damn who wouldn’t want to take a green bath.

5. Last of all. Watch out for those leprechauns. They lost their gold in a bet with Romney. I don’t know what their plans are, but be careful. You do not want to cross a leprechaun.