Funny things I have heard in passing: What have you heard lately?
“I went to see Lion King, my mom was really upset” “Why?” “She thinks no teenager girl would go see Lion King at the movie theatre, so I must be on drugs”
“The lady that wrote twilight hates gay marriage, but its ok to marry a dead guy or a wolf, but two dudes no way. That’s crazy, what is she on?”
“Telling a depressed person to stop worrying and be happy is like telling a short person to quit whining and just get taller”
“If you like after this I will take you outside and show you how to shoot so close to a raccoon he shits himself”
“If you keep looking in the rear view mirror you are going to get into a wreck”
“Did she just put the cat in time out and point to the wall?” “yes”
“you just said your wife is overweight” “No she is under tall”
Student” Ms.B you have some chalk on your butt come over here and I can help get it off” Teacher “No thank you”
Student “I had this crazy dream about getting locked in a hotel room on the field trip with Mrs. R …” Teacher “Stop talking to me about this right now”
Student “Once a student turns 18 can you date them” Teacher “NO” Student “Are you sure? You should look into it” Teacher “No I am sure”
“I feel bad for the other kids playing college football tonight” “why?” “They can’t watch LSU play”
“I’m on the asian diet” “What’s that?” “A rice and a roll” “But you are eating a donut?” “Its breakfast I do the asian diet for lunch and the african child diet for dinner” “Whats that?” ” You dont eat, just bloat- no child left behind. Except this one”
A conversation between two 17 year old boys: “what do you want for christmas?” “I want a baby” (laughter) “why?” “I want to carry a son around on my back”
“Suck in your gut” “What gut?” “The little pouch where you keep your extra cookies”
“I should get a job in making things awkward”
“I keep asking [my sixteen year old daughter] if she wants a glass of wine with dinner, but she looks at me crazy and says no”
“I can crush a watermelon between my legs”
“He is waiting for me to turn 18 so we can date because he is madly in love with me” “No he is gay and going out with me right now”
“I am on a diet” “what diet?” “The asian diet, rice and a roll” “You should try ensure” “Is that like Obamacare?”
“What does you last name mean?” “Its german” “You’re German? I thought you were white?”
“So you met my dad last night, what did you think?” “He was nice” “You know he is single”
“Say mommy” “kitty!” Say mama” “Kitty!” Say Taylor””Kitty!” Say papa” “Papa”
“What’s green and has wheels?” “grass… i lied about the wheels”
“I cant wait for the second coming ; I am filling my pockets with glitter, so as I ascend to heaven i can shower glitter on the heathens below”
“The only down side is herpes” “What are you talking about?” “Prostitution.”
“You’re leaving a trail” “I poop goldfish. It’s what I do now. Didn’t you know that?”
“Where did she go?” “She went to get her Jesus on”
“Why did the little kid drop their ice cream?” “They were hit by a bus.”
“Why did the little girl fall off the swing?” “She didn’t have any arms.”
nevercontrary 
Pingback: Say What? « nevercontrary
The one about grass and wheels is amazing.
I have one student who has the best jokes this is one of his
LOL I giggled through the whole list, but “I lied about the wheels”, that really made me laugh out loud!!
That is the work of one of my funniest students.
I like the one about getting a job in making things awkward. Awesome.
Students told me both of these. I have some funny kids in my classes
“Telling a depressed person to stop worrying and be happy is like telling a short person to quit whining and just get taller”
That’s my favorite.
The 17 year old boy who said “I want to carry a son around on my back” cracked me up. My immediate thought was that he’s probably been reading the Beelzebub manga.
Maybe he has. I do not know.
“Did she just put the cat in time out and point to the wall?” “yes”
~This one is my favorite!! Hilarious!! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
me too ! You should have seen it
“What’s green and has wheels?” “grass… i lied about the wheels”…
this is funny… 😀
It is one of my favorites
Pingback: Versatile Blogger Award | Fresh From My Desk
Hi~
I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award http://freshfrommydesk.wordpress.com/2012/03/15/versatile-blogger-award/
Very funny work on here! A good read every time.
Warmly,
Laura
I think I would be happier if I could hang around you. The best I have is a note left on my desk:
“You can NEVER have too many Legos.”
But it was written by a coworker fun enough to keep me from packing up my husband and kids, quitting my job (what the HECK other gig could a middle-aged news anchor with acne get?), running off to live in Austin, and joining the circus (but only when it’s in Austin).
See?
I’m thinking East-Coasters don’t get me. Roller coasters totally get me. Mosquitos do too.
You live in Austin? Do you like it? Does it feel like you are in super conservative texas, or like you are living in an awesome cool city?
One bright morning in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn’t see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout “hooray!”
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and killed those two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey walking by,
Kicked the copper in the eye,
Sent him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
(If you don’t believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man — he saw it too!)
What a tongue twister! Thanks for sharing!
This is a bit of a funny definition of funny but just found this statistic on FaceBook NeverContrary
Wall Photos
What place has the highest incarceration rate in the world?
The answer might – or might not – surprise you: http://www.allgov.com//ViewNews/Thanks_to_For_Profit_Prisons_Louisiana_Has_Triple_the_Incarceration_Rate_of_Iran_120516
You probably know this anyway but thought Id share it with you just in case!
I actually posted that article on my facebook. Louisiana and I started to not see eye to eye and it may be the end of our relationship.
Hi NeverContrary I hope this is not you saying I have offended you but saying Louisiana has offended you! We also have many things in Britian and Scotland to be ashamed of… The actions of one state authority are not the expression of the totality of that state. Bowever there does seem to be a massivly destructive prison fetish in many US states – a remorseless lack of any opportunity for redemption and the states most associated seem to be those where the authorities most claim to espouse Christianity! On the other side, however, I did see a very good doc about a prison in Ohio which offered many incentives for rehabilitation and opportunities for creativity. It was tough but very kind and held up real opportunities and hope – the results were moving and sucessful – The hypocrites elsewhere are not interested it seems…
Oh no you did not offend me. I am just sad at a lot of things that happen in this state as well as all over the states. I think it is the our culture is built on fear and people are quick to lock up what they are afraid of.
Absolutely but I wish they would stop doing it in the name of JESUS! Its such a travesty! I hope your words will shine a light in this hypocritical darkness! Never underestimate the power of truth expressed and the voicing of the fight against injustice. You have a voice which is very easy to listen to and perhaps you can be the harbinger of change..!
I hope so. Now if I could just figure out how to get everyone together to listen to me. Guess I need to write that best seller.
Follow your passion. Follow your heart. Ignore the critics especially the inner critic.. Go where so few of us dare! Just do it!!!!
Suck in your gut” “What gut?” “The little pouch where you keep your extra cookies….haha absolutely hilarious!!
One of my favorites.
Pingback: one lovely blog | my balanced life
How sweet are you!
I told the grass and wheels one to my mom and all she said was lame. =(
Aren’t the best joke, the lame ones?
lol. this page is golden
I need to update it. Got some new fun ones.