Dirty Thirty

The time is upon me folks. I am turning thirty.


I could write a sappy blog about how I don’t want to get older and blah blah blah. It would be a lie. Getting older is way better than the alternative, death. Plus I have been excited about turning thirty for probably a decade now. Finally my age matches my lifestyle. You see when you tell people you are 25 and like to go to bed at eight pm and eat oatmeal for breakfast when you rise at dawn people look at you funny. Now, I am thirty and people expect me to be a boring ass adult. What  a relief to finally meet peoples expectations.

It took me thirty years to get here. It has been one hell of a ride. Here are a few of the things I have learned in my thirty years. Hopefully you can use this knowledge in your journey to avoid death.

1. Alabama football sucks balls. Everything about Alabama football is evil. Pure Satan at work there.

2. Ghosts totally exist. Don’t believe me get away we cannot be friends.

3. Republicans are awful. Yeah I said it. Most of my friends are republicans, what does this mean??

4. I still can’t decide who gets more excited to see boobs, lesbians, teenage boys, or nursing babies. Maybe I will know this by forty.

5. Home school is where it’s at. The longer I teach in public school, the more convinced of this I am.

6. True love does exist and so do soul mates.

7. Food is medicine, prescriptions kill you.

8. I’m lactose intolerant. How the hell did I miss this for thirty years. Damn.

9. People suck. Don’t expect too much from them.

10. I need more gay friends. I am drowning in straight girls and I cannot sit around while they talk about penis anymore.

20 thoughts on “Dirty Thirty

  1. Thanks for the heads-up about thirty. I’ll be joining the club in June. And like you, I can’t wait until my age matches my lifestyle. Bed at 9, up at dawn, lazy weekends with the Sundays. Now I won’t get the side eye for fancying roaming antique books stores rather than partying. Congrats on thirty years! Thanks for helping me feel good about it as well!

  2. Wow.

    I know that, being lesbian, you have taken your share of slurs for being of a different sexual persuasion. And no doubt you have experienced hanging out with people for a while, years even, maybe, and then hearing them say something hurtful, either intentionally or unintentionally. And that must feel like quite a slap in the face.

    Therefore I have to assume you knew exactly what you were doing when you referred to heterosexuals as breeders. So my birthday present to you is that I’ll unfollow your blog. That’s one less breeder you have to feel swamped by.

    • I am so sorry you were offended. I have never heard of the term breeder being used as slur. I would never knowingly use a slur ever. I used the term because I have children and therefor am a breeder myself. So I was attempting to make a joke about how I am just like those that I am surrounded by. And how I am no different than my straight friends. I am so sorry again.

  3. In the words of Karen from Mean Girls, “Boo you whore!” We are gonna be friends forever and you will just have to hear me wax poetically about my boyfriend and breeding and whatnot. Get over it!

    • Fallon, you are missing the point my dear. It is not that I don’t want to hear about said boyfriends, but that just every once in a while I would like to have someone to talk to about dyke shit. ya feel me.

  4. I feel just the same way — specifically about getting to go to bed at 8 (well, 9) and not feeling like a loser. Well, you still feel like a loser, but at least other people are doing it now too, so it’s loserdom in numbers!

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