I can see you judging me, and I don’t care

Because guess what honey? I am not judging you.

Dip one toe in the internet waters these days and Judgey Mc Judgey pants will be on your ass faster than you can say your stance on Vaccinations.

-Instant Reactions-

-Anger-

-Idiots everywhere-

I often wonder how we got here. When did our lives become so instant that we could not be bothered to see something from someone else’s perspective?  I suppose that I could be excited that everyone has become so passionate. But, I am not one for simply just being satisfied with ok. We can be so much better than this.

What happened to compassion? Empathy? Understanding?

For me, I find this hardest in the middle of the mommy wars. Can you blame me? My life is small children right now. I have friends commenting that no one should get vaccines, others saying those not getting them are stupid and ruining america. Friends saying mothers are awful if their child died in a car wreck in a car seat they would not have used. Seriously, is it so hard to believe that for the most part we are all trying our best? Yes, people fuck up, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t do the best they were capable of.

So to everyone out there. I am not judging you. You are doing awesome at this life thing. Because life is hard and I am not perfect at it either.

Unless you don’t like to hike. Then forget it. I am totally judging you right now.

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How to move in the most difficult way possible

Moving is exciting, terrifying, and exhausting all within moments of each other. And if you try really hard you can make it damn near impossible and who knows maybe lose a few friends.

Image from http://www.30westauto.com/u-haul-rental/ you can rent your very own truck there!

Image from http://www.30westauto.com/u-haul-rental/
you can rent your very own truck there!

1. First you can become a teacher forcing you to constrict your move to summer months. Which then forces your spouse to find a job that will start in june or july or the dreaded split the family up temporarily for the move.

2. You could simply luck into not selling your house, and then rent it out two weeks before you can move into your new place. Move all of your things into a storage unit and two weeks later move it out. Don’t forget to stay at a family member’s house that has pets that pee all over the floor during those two weeks. Bonus points if your kids fall in the pee everyday.

3. Your new house should be at least on the third floor. And don’t even think about moving into someplace with an elevator.

4. Move during the week so that all of your friends are at work and cannot help you lug that new couch you just had to have.

5. Most importantly make certain it rains as much as possible during your scheduled moving days.

6. Make sure your drive is over ten hours. Bonus if your kids have severe allergies so that you can’t stop at fast food places on the drive to your new house.

Official status- We live in Georgia now. It does not feel real yet.

 

My four year old is more sarcastic than me… help

Dear me it has been too long my sweet internet friends. I will not bore you with my excuses. Instead I will tell you some hilarious stories from my four year old daughter.

can I wear my crown to the zoo?

can I wear my crown to the zoo?

 

1.

Me- I told you a million times not to pour the water out of the pool

T- No, you told me three times.

 

 

2.

Me- Don’t eat that candy it is old.

T- No it isn’t

Me- It is from christmas, so do not eat it

T- Its not old, its not old, its not old

Me- your face is old

T- mom, not everything is old, except you

 

3.

T- I have a guardian angel. His name is peachin’

Me- oh really?

T- yes, he is teaching me to twirl without falling down and he is teaching K not to bite

Me- what does he look like?

T- points to Marc Anthony on my i phone, thats him. 

 

4.

T- mommy I am ready for another tiny baby at our house 

Me- Babies are expensive, we don’t have enough money for another one

T- because I cost money and K costs money?

Me- Yes

T- Well you can have my piggy bank money. 

 

5.

Me- Why are you putting my phone in your book sack?

T- I need a phone at pre-k to text my friends, mom.

 

6.

T- I am turning four, so we are four birthday parties. And you know that.

 

7. My daughter came to school with me the last day of finals, for fun

T- Why do they keep giving me sugar? Don’t they know I have had enough sugar?

 

T- Do you take naps in high school?

Me- No

T- I can teach them how to nap in their desks, it’s easy.

Me- I don’t think that is necessary

 

8.

Me- Why did you hit me?

T- I am still learning to be good. I am trying but it is hard not to hit and bite people. I know you are teaching me, but sometimes I make mistakes. But, when I make mistakes and you get mad I know you love me anyway

 

It’s Just Not Right

Every morning, I drive 30 minutes out into the coon ass country of Louisiana’s Bayou for work in the pitch black darkness that is daylight savings time.

On my long commute I pass a McDonald’s. It has a very large glass room two stories high in the front for a play area.

The only problem is there is nothing in said room. NOTHING. It is just a giant empty glass room.

What the hell McDonalds?

This is what you are supposed to look like, not all empty and depressing

Did something happen and they had to take down the play room and were not able to put it back up?

Were the owners too cheap and just never put it up in the first place?

Perhaps the traffic causing aliens took it to their home planet?

It bothers me to no end. McDonald’s is built on the concept of you get exactly the same nasty ass shit in every store. This is not that. I need my McDonald’s to be reliable damn it.

Sure, Sure I could go in and ask them, but then I would look like a crazy lady. And we can’t have that. Because the opinion of strangers is really the key to all happiness in life.

Dirty Thirty

The time is upon me folks. I am turning thirty.

scared3

I could write a sappy blog about how I don’t want to get older and blah blah blah. It would be a lie. Getting older is way better than the alternative, death. Plus I have been excited about turning thirty for probably a decade now. Finally my age matches my lifestyle. You see when you tell people you are 25 and like to go to bed at eight pm and eat oatmeal for breakfast when you rise at dawn people look at you funny. Now, I am thirty and people expect me to be a boring ass adult. What  a relief to finally meet peoples expectations.

It took me thirty years to get here. It has been one hell of a ride. Here are a few of the things I have learned in my thirty years. Hopefully you can use this knowledge in your journey to avoid death.

1. Alabama football sucks balls. Everything about Alabama football is evil. Pure Satan at work there.

2. Ghosts totally exist. Don’t believe me get away we cannot be friends.

3. Republicans are awful. Yeah I said it. Most of my friends are republicans, what does this mean??

4. I still can’t decide who gets more excited to see boobs, lesbians, teenage boys, or nursing babies. Maybe I will know this by forty.

5. Home school is where it’s at. The longer I teach in public school, the more convinced of this I am.

6. True love does exist and so do soul mates.

7. Food is medicine, prescriptions kill you.

8. I’m lactose intolerant. How the hell did I miss this for thirty years. Damn.

9. People suck. Don’t expect too much from them.

10. I need more gay friends. I am drowning in straight girls and I cannot sit around while they talk about penis anymore.

She Carrie Bradshawed him…

It all started when my brother started dating this girl. Let’s call her Jenny. Jenny and my brother let’s call him Tommy, fell quickly in love. Although none of us knew why. We all just watched their relationship like a slow moving accident waiting for them to explode. And did they.

carrie_bradshaw_wears_pearl

I love them both dearly, but separately. Very separately. Jenny is a free spirit. The type of spirit not meant to be tied down to a person or a place. I could easily see her wandering Tibet on a spiritual journey. Tommy is a carefree, but stable man.  Though he may not realize it all of the time he is a southern family man. Their life paths simply were not headed in the same direction.

But who cares when you are in love. They got engaged anyways. After a year of negotiation. *Hint to readers, your engagement should not require negotiation. *

They were engaged for a few months, when their friends threw them an engagement party. We walked up the steps of this beautiful New Orleans Row house and there she was. Just standing there with her engagement ring on a necklace around her neck.

The entire sub plot of Carrie’s engagement to Aiden flashed before my eyes. Is she really at her own engagement party and not wearing the ring on her finger. This is not seriously happening. Who does this? I wanted to ask her just to see if she would say that she wanted the ring to be close to her heart, like Carrie used to say.

How did no one else at this party notice? Maybe we all noticed and we just didn’t say anything.

A few weeks later she broke it off. My brother broke into a million pieces. How do you tell someone that you saw this coming, we all saw this coming?

There are things that happen in real life and things that happen on tv and every once in a while they both happen together in a monumental disastrous way.

Did that really happen? Did she really Carrie Bradshaw her own engagement party?

Yes

Yes it did.

Thug Hipster Teacher

There may only be a few of you that were following my blog in 2011. For those of you who were not I wrote this lovely little piece about my life goals HERE. In this post I discuss my disdain for new years resolutions as well as my three current life goals. The most important goal on my list was clearly learning to drink my coffee black.

My coffee can beat up your coffee

My coffee can beat up your coffee

Guess what my lovelies? I have not only accomplished this goal, I have blow that shit out the water. I now drink shitty break room coffee black.

If only you could see how this has increased my thug hipster image in the teachers lounge. I stroll in with my skinny jeans, my hipster thick glasses, and my worn out converse. Slowly walking towards the circle of teachers in over sized school sweatshirts hovering around the coffee pot as if it were the magic ticket out of that hellish parent conference you have waiting for you in the next room. They part as I walk over without even knowing why. I pour my coffee into my cheap paper cup and turn to walk away, having said nothing to them. By the time  I get to the door I have chugged the entire cup of hot coffee and toss the cup in the trash. Leaving nothing but questions in my wake.

Thug hipster teacher goal check.

Now to come up with a replacement goal…..

 

You should be afraid of that angry feminist on the corner

Beware.

Warning.

There is an angry feminist right behind you. In fact they are all over the internet. Be careful they are out to get you. Be ready, they want you to…wait for it… treat women equally. Shit. They even want equal pay. The horror. The horror. But, the bible says men and women are supposed to be treated differently. Ok, it also says you can’t eat bacon. And we all know you are probably eating bacon right this very minute. Jesus can see you. He told me. We talk because he totally is besties with my lezzie wife.

feminist1

OMG they are getting the children too!!

When did being a left wing feminist become a four letter word? I think it is when everyone stopped listening to each other and just began making stuff up. The world became obsessed with fast, fast, fast. There isn’t enough time to fact check, not enough time to look at something from another point of view, only enough time to get mad.

As a card carrying angry lesbian feminist, I have seen and heard many a things. What I have learned from it all is that at this moment in american culture we would rather fight each other over tiny details, then work together to fix big problems. Within the feminist community there is constant fighting. Black vs White. Men vs Women. Include Transgender vs. Don’t include. And the fights are just as nasty and cut throat as the ones against the republican party. 

If we cannot stand together, we are nothing. Individually we are weak. Together we are strong.

So much passion and it is beautiful. Imagine what we could accomplish together.

Its was cold for three days so global warming totally doesn’t exist

You, yes you. I am talking to you ignorant fool. The one with the W sticker still on your car and the bible you have never bothered to read on your bedside. So you decided you are a scientist. You know all about the climate because you got cold for three days in the south. I’m sure those damn climate scientists who have spent their entire life studying the climate probably actually just got their information from the same people who “made” Obama’s birth certificate.

I have been told ignorance is bliss. Sure for the ignorant people, but for the rest of us it is like having someone hit our heads against a wall.

Oh I know you got all of your info Sarah Palin and she is totally smart because she wears glasses and is in love with jesus. Jesus only supports the people are super smart. Totally.

 

 

 

I love my daughter, but…

She is the most exhausting person I have ever met.

Getting our princess nails done. Priorities.

Getting our princess nails done. Priorities.

Seriously.

And I can’t even be mad because she is me. Poor girl.

I have begun to feel that if I had waited until she was 3 I don’t think we would have a second child. What a horrible thing to say. Yeah, Yeah, but have you met a three year old this wasn’t true about?

A day in the life of my three year old:

6 am- Time to scream because I do not want to be awake. ( She is not a morning person)

6:15 am – Switch to crying because it is too cold outside to wear a dress without pants. You see my daughter will only wear dresses. Literally. Because Princesses don’t wear pants. Thanks Disney. And by thanks I mean F you disney.  So she wears pants and a dress over top. Then calls it stylish.

6:45-3:45 Act like an angel at school all day. Come home with best listener awards.

3:45- Spend car ride home saying potty words to make her sister laugh. “booty, booty, booty”

4:00- Demand to change from her regular dress to a princess dress. If she does all is well. IF not. Holy hell insert one hour of crying about dress.

6:00- Cry about going poop. Because She hates to poop. This could be a whole post itself.

7:00- Asleep. Hey, this is a pretty good quality.

My daughter is smart, hilarious, and extremely stubborn. Which makes her pretty fantastic, except she is three and doesn’t understand why you can’t not poop and wear princesses dresses everywhere.