Favorite Posts From This Year #4

This post speaks to my thoughts on the south. Even though I think we have a whole lot of crazy up in here from time to time. I still love the south.

Enjoy this post My south

I have been posed the question “Why do you live in the South?” a lot lately. As someone who is gay, married, and raising a family; I can see how people would struggle to see why I would chose the south. It is often considered to be the opposite of who I am.

I have written a handful of posts specifically about living in Louisiana here  that will paint a picture of the south through my eyes.

The quiet silence of a small town

Trying to put into words what the south means to a southerner is difficult to do, so I will start at the beginning.

Being a southerner is like being a part of a secret club that everyone knows about. You have to prove yourself to get invited in, but once you are in you are in for life. Of course unless you do something crazy. In which case, you need to openly ask Jesus for forgiveness and we will let you back in.

The south is the people. Sure you could say it is something about those long hot summers and never ending glasses of sweet tea that do something to you, but down here it is about the people. The whole town may talk about what crazy things you did last saturday night and how they cannot believe you are dating so and so, but if you are sick the whole town shows up with a hot meal. The first words children are taught is please, thank you, and sorry. Yes Ma’am and No sir apply to everyone out of respect. It is not about your age.

And then there is the food. It isn’t simply food. It is bacon cooked in brown sugar, pecans, and cayenne pepper. Food is not something you do to get the best body or help you finish the race. It is a ritual, an event, and a time to catch up with family and friends.

As the suns sets on a warm summer evening with the breeze blowing past you full of memories of times past, and you sink into your porch swing, you can feel the soul of the south wrapping its arms around you whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Listen carefully

Mistaken Identity

No matter how hard

I try

There is no air left

I have looked everywhere

yet

it is gone.

I am

drowning

slowly

one day at a time

 

But in the south

the air is reserved

for the white

the religious

the straight

 

there is no air left

for me

 

When you ask

“Can I please have some air”

you should

see the stares

 

“Who is that crazy?”

“She has air, and is just being dramatic”

“You don’t deserve air”

 

But….

I do not want you air

I

simply

want

to

breath

over

here

all

by myself

 

please

don’t

just

sit

there

and point

while

I slowly

drown

 

Oh

I’m sorry

I mistook you

for

someone

that cared

 

 

 

 

There is something wrong with those damn pumpkins

It was a hot humid saturday morning. All was calm on the long drive out to the country. What would posses someone to drive to the country? Overpriced pumpkins, thats what. The day was looming over me, I should have known it would all go bad quickly.

The day started out with a screaming toddler adamant that she did not have a thing to wear in her closet. Yes, she was completely serious, and yes she tries on at least three to four outfits each morning, runs to my room, looks in the mirror to check it out and comes back to say that she cannot wear this dress, she needs another one. An hour later, we are at target attempting to find a suitable dress for her. Don’t judge me. So, we found a coral satin dress on clearance put in on in the aisle, because she undressed right there, and headed to the patch to look for pumpkins in the 90 degree heat.

We park the car right on top of a …. fire ant hill! As I am unbuckling said child from the car ten ants bite me all at once, because they are bitches like that. I yell out “O Shit,” as I try and scrape them off me. So of course my daughter is walking up to the patch going oh shit, oh shit. Luckily I ignored it, so she stopped.

First stop, face painting! Nope. We walk up and she covers her face screaming. Fail.

Second stop, Pumpkins! Nope. She refuses to touch them because, ready for it, they have dirt on them. Yes indeed folks. We can’t buy a pumpkin because it has dirt on it. You cannot teach this level of girlie.

Third stop, rides. Yes. Finally she will play on the playground and run around. Success. I am so glad we drove all the way out here for you to play on the playground little one. At least I bought a jar of homemade strawberry  jam.

Finally, Titi arrives ( this is her aunt aka my sister ) She scoops her up and away they go to pet the animals. Even gets her to hold a baby chicken!

Yet another years pumpkin patch written down in the books. Maybe next year we will travel and visit friends in the fall so we can go to an apple orchard instead.

mommy look at the nasty pumpkins

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood

I think the time has come to fill you in on the neighborhood gossip.

 

Where to start? Where to start?

There is the family across the street. Last I spoke to you about them, she was pregnant and outside smoking each night a 4am. Fast forward. Right after the baby is born she confesses to an affair. All hell breaks lose over there. Cops, yelling, black eyes, and loud conversations on cell phones in the driveway about how you were supposed to tell your spouse too. But, would that break them up? Hell no. They are going strong. See kids marriage does exist. Then the wifey sees her in the winn dixie parking lot making out with some old lady. But, nothing ever came from that. All the while in two and a half years they have never spoken to me, but the one time she asked me if she could move her mailbox next to mine. Which she never did. But, then out of now where their dog gets out and wifey brings him back and now we are friends. Bam, just like that. They wave at wifey, make small talk when she is edging the yard. Wait maybe she is hitting on wifey and I should watch out. Who are you kidding she would beat me up with her pinky finger in her sleep. I will not piss her off. Thanks.

Then their are the old people who live in the three houses next to me. House one- 89 year old lady, with the boyfriend that says sexual things to her in front of everyone. House two- 75 year old lady who makes quilts for 25 dollars. House three- A vet that has been pretending to be crazy for so long to get money from the government that he turned crazy. He argued with a cop over an apple that was in his driveway that was not his for three hours.  So here is goes, One is trying to date the vets friend down the street because he has more money than her current boyfriend, and she needs a boyfriend that will take her on vacation. One asked Two to make her an online dating profile so she could find a rich boyfriend. Because at 89 what one needs is a rich boyfriend. Well, two said no I wont do it. You buy a computer and do it yourself, so she got pissed. Now one is not talking to two, and one turned the vet against two also. Don’t let one of them catch you talking to the others or they will give you the look of death. I am just waiting for cops to get called over an old people fight. It would be hilarious. Teeth flying through the air, slippers across the road, and whatever else old people would fight with. Maybe there are really a secret polygamous mormon family with secret underground tunnels between their houses. Or, maybe they are all cousins and have been feuding since birth. Who really knows.

Until next time.

Come and knock on my door, I’ve been waiting for you.

Hello 2 am. Why no, this is not three’s company, I am not glad you knocked on my door.

As I lay awake in bed, and my mind wanders endlessly through all the things in life that piss me off, I find myself wondering, what do people think about when they are unable to sleep? Do you too lay awake thinking about your personal life struggles?

For me, I know I lay awake thinking through all of the 1100 plus legal rights I am denied every single day. It rolls over and over in my mind until I want to scream. But, truly it is not the denial of rights that keep me up, but the people who call themselves my friends that do not care that I am denied such basic rights.

When I have had enough of that I begin to scrutinize my lesson plans for school. Sending myself into a tizzy over getting all of students to actually learn calculus instead of sit in the back of the class with a unicorn mask on. True story.

I wonder if it would be possible to turn my thoughts to happy fluffy thoughts on restless nights. Maybe everyone else lays awake thinking of thanksgiving dinner, or magical vacations. Because naturally the best happy thoughts involve pumpkin pie and vacation. Oh my god y’all we should all go on a thanksgiving vacation where pumpkin pie is served everyday.

As I struggle on my journey towards inner peace, knowing full well, you cannot find inner peace. It is already within you. I know I must let my frustration go. Frustration is a simple emotion. It changes nothing but your perspective of the world around you. It does not actually change the world around you.

Whether I sleep at all tonight will not make the sun rise any later, or my boss suddenly decide we can do without that lunch meeting. It will make me super sleepy and probably nauseous all day, but hey inner peace wasn’t achieved in a day. Many spend their entire lives trying to calm their inner mind, but few are able to do so.

Namaste

 

p.s. you are totally singing the theme song to three’s company right now aren’t you?

p.p.s I totally miss 70’s tv.

Top 5 things to NOT ask a pregnant lesbian

Earlier I wrote a mind blowing post about what not to ask a lesbian about sex. Today I am going to blow your mind with more gay education.

What not to say to  a pregnant lesbian:

Why yes, that is my belly, my how long ago that seems now.

1. But you can’t get pregnant? / How did that happen? 

One, you sound ignorant. There is in fact multiple ways to get pregnant without having sex with a boy. Two, what you are really asking me is how I got sperm in my vagina. You do realize that don’t you? Have you ever asked a straight woman that? No, because it is rude as hell to ask someone how they got sperm up their vagina.

2. Won’t you kid be messed up because they don’t have a dad?

The best part this was asked to me by someone who is messed up because their parents were abusive, yes, her heterosexual mom and dad. To answer your question, no my child will be far better off, more loved, and more prepared for life than you ever were. Thanks. And yes, I have multiple research studies to back that up.

3. Who’s the dad? 

Really? Do you ask your straight friends this? Just because they are in a committed relationship doesn’t mean that is the dad. No, that would be rude wouldn’t it? My standard answer, my baby is a blessing from god. Thank you.

4. Was it an accident?

This one made me laugh and laugh. They literally forgot I couldn’t get pregnant by accident. Made my night.

5. Are you going to tell them who their dad is? 

One, none of your damn business. Two, they have two parents thank you. Did I  mention it is none of your damn business.

6. Do you think they will be gay?

One, straight people have gay kids, not gay people. Two, I can no more change the color of my child’s eyes then their sexuality. If they are gay it is not because of me, but because they were born that way. I will love them no matter what. What we really should be discussing is how you will handle it when your kid comes out.

oops that is six not five. Oh well. I could go on all night.

Sunflowers

image from wikipedia

 

I happen to love sunflowers.

They are so simple yet so beautifully complex.

One day I will learn to garden without animals eating it all

and I will have sunflowers everywhere

and we will sit in the shade and sip our tea

taking in all that is life

http://www.theflowersavenue.com

 

 

To be thankful everyday

I thought in an anti-complaint effort, that I would write about all the wonderful things in my life.

1. My daughter-

She is the most amazing person I have ever met. So full of joy, stubbornness, and glitter. It is the perfect combination. Just getting to experience the world with her is more than I ever imagined my life would be.

a true southern woman

2. My wife-

Growing up I would here people say that they knew the moment they met someone they were in love. I could not understand this concept, until I met wifey. She is everything I was missing, that I did not even know could be filled.

image from keturahweathers.theworldrace.org

3. My family-

We have had our ups and downs, but hands down I love my family. They are kind and compassionate people. My sister might be my favorite. How can you not love someone who makes up dancing to harry potter and puts it on youtube?

4. My health-

I must confess I am pretty good health, as far as I know. Of course my dental hygienist thinks I need to floss more, and she would be right. But for today I am healthy.

image from http://www.decisivemagazine.com

5. My blog- of course

I have met so many wonderful people in the wordpress world who have shown me more kindness than I could have ever imagined. Just being able to write everyday and share it with you truly brings me peace.

 

Oh you thought I was listening?

 

How often do you complain? How often do you have to listen to other’s complaining?

image from 4.bp.blogspot.com

Everywhere I turn someone has something to complain about. Sometimes it is little, such as they did not want to wake up this morning. Sometimes it is big, such as the world is out to get them.

I am so full of other peoples complaints. I was unaware that I carried around an invisible complaint box everywhere I went. I too have a life and struggles. It never fails that who ever is complaining, never asks me how I am doing.

Maybe you too have been carrying around said box. I feel your pain.

It is time we fought back. And here is how we will start.

1. Respond with: how thankful you are that you have clean drinking water, do not have cancer, or any other extreme example pointing out how petty they are being.

2. Respond with: talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening. I did this to my friends in middle school all the time and it totally worked.

3. Respond with: Gosh, your life is so terrible, does anything good every happen to you?

4. Respond with: Oh I’m sorry were you talking to me? I was busy thinking about how awesome my life is.

5. If all else fails respond with: Those goddamn (insert liberal, conservative, etc depending on the person) are ruining america! and storm off.

A Bloggers Kryptonite…. Writers Block

Writers Block. The bloggers kryptonite.

image from http://www.fortressofbaileytude.com

Nothing is more frustrating than a completely blank mind, or even worse one filled with weak ideas that cannot seem to come to life.

In case you ever get stuck with the block, I have listed my favorite go to blog ideas:

1. Recipes- Everyone loves a good recipe. Especially with pictures. Pictures of the food, not you.

2. Reviews- books, movies, tv, and more. I don’t do the books due to I only read rated R books, and some youngsters read this blog.

3. Work Stories- Everyone loves a great story they can relate to about how much work sucks. Unless your job is awesome, don’t rub that in my face. I may have to fight you.

4. Travel- Have you been someplace cool. Great! Tell me all about it. Wait, not that trip, you told me that story ten times already.

5. Silly kid stories- If you are going to talk about your kids walk the line. The line of funny, not overbearing mommy blog. Funny kid sayings=ok, My child speaks chinese, french, and spanish and she is one= not ok.

6. Christmas- The best holiday ever. So, you can write about it year round.

7. Letters- Getting to read someone’s private letter is like sneaking into your sister’s diary and finding out she had sex.

 

Now, go forth and write!