I hope you studied part III

I have been taking you on a magical journey through high school exams. Part One and Part Two.

Giving exams can be quite different from taking them. One of the most frustrating parts of exams is the students who chose not to do the review for the exams. I know I am a great teacher, but you really want me to believe you learned an entire years worth of math so well that you do not need to do any review problems? You flatterer you. Those students are always the first ones finished. I cringe when they set their test down and the front page is covered in mistakes.

Students like that make you understand why someone would want to drink at work. I never would, but I know the feeling of students making you want to drink. There are even t-shirts that say, if you taught highschool you would drink too. Speaking of drinks, I wonder how I can sneak booze into my mother in-laws for memorial day? Should I just flask it? Or go with the Smirnoff in a water bottle? It would be so much easier if drinking wasn’t against their religion. I am just trying to be like jesus and feed the people wine.

As the kids all slowly finish their test, there is always that one still going. They make eye contact and then quickly look away. Knowing I am waiting for them to finish and them alone. It is an intense moment. I try not to look at them, so they will not feel any pressure. Believe it or not I want them to do well on the test. I know you thought I was in teaching for the money, so one day I could go on house hunters international.

Who are these people buying million dollar vacation homes and how do I become friends with them? I have yet to break into this elite group. And watching them on tv is killing me. Must be nice 25 year old couple buying a home in the bahamas because you just want to get away from your stressful life. Must be nice.

As the students all leave for the year I often wonder what I will do without them all summer. Who will fill me in on the latest boy band songs? What will I do without someone telling me how awesome it is to get a driver’s license? And of course what will I do without the daily reminder that every other teacher lets their class go to lunch early?

I always leave my students with this advice- be good and if you can’t be good be safe.

Are your words magical?

The best thing about old ladies it their ability to exaggerate.  They should really be spending their time writing best selling fiction.

Story 1:

My neighbors, two sweet old ladies, in the two houses next me watch out for me. Since I was out of town this weekend they promised to watch the house. So, sunday morning they were patrolling my backyard. I guess backyards are where the bad guys sneak around. And found a big puddle of water next to my hose.

Can you see the monsoon?

As you can see from the photo the puddle was so large it must be a burst pipe. They are ready to cut the water off to my house because the whole house may flood. Do they call me? No, because I am out of town, they call my father. He calls me because he is out of town. I call my friend Sarah who rushes over to find this tiny puddle.

Story 2:

I was at my friend’s daughters’ birthday. Balloons, cupcakes, hamburgers, and traumatic swim lesson stories. I sat down at the wrong table only to get caught in a story about teaching young children to swim. Sounded like a good story so I started listening. Then it all went down hill. The teacher forces the kids under water and they start to scream and cry. Then she distracts them with toys, so she can force them under again. All I can say is interesting in hopes that I don’t start to scream in horror and run away. Of course I run to my friend and ask what really happens. The actual lesson involves the kids jumping in the pool and letting their head go under water with no screaming.

Now if I could only learn to tell stories like some of the women in my life. They know exactly just what to say to get your heart pumping and you jumping up to solve the problem. It is as though their words compel you in ways that other peoples words cannot. What is this magical power and how do I get it?

The Best Part of the Holidays

What is the the best part about big holidays? Is it the wonderful religious ceremonies? Could it be the decorations? Or possibly the copious amounts of holiday food? No, I am afraid not. It is most obviously the forced awkward family gatherings.

For weeks you build up the anticipation. Is she talking to mom? What happened to her relationship with that boy? Did you see Sally’s new haircut? Oh my god… did you hear what John was caught doing last week? You never know how it will play out until the big day arrives. For some watching the big football game is entertainment, but it has got nothing on the your drunk uncle groping his 50 year old girlfriend on the couch.

It is enough entertainment to last you until the next holiday months from now. Some years Christmas is so dramatic it leaves you with stories for years to come.

And what would life be without good stories to tell over a drink with your friends?

So friends grab a drink and share your stories with me.

A Louisiana Spring

Summer is slowly trickling in this week. The air has begun to thicken. Moisture has begun to wind its way through the trees and up into my house. The camelias have bloomed all over the city. Their beautiful petals floating through the breeze.

Summer brings so many wonderful South Louisiana traditions. Warm afternoons of Jazz in the hot sun while drinking a strawberry beer. Hot Boiled crawfish spread across a picnic table covered in newspaper.

This time of year it is easy to forget that soon it will be so hot that you will not be able to remember what cold is. But for now I will sip my sweet tea on the back porch and look lovingly on the blooming flowers as the heat soothes my winter soul.