Because… The South

It is the time of year when you take your child to see Santa. My daughter was riddled with anticipation all week. When the kids at school would talk about santa, she would inform them, she was going to see santa on sunday. She talked about how she was going to ask him for a christmas tree. Even though we already have one. I guess, ours was not quite good enough. I blame her really, she did most of the decorating.

Many people throughout the land go to see santa at the mall. Not us. We go to Bass Pro. Why go to a hunting store to see santa? Free picture. Need I say more.

We arrive at 11 am. Santa does not get there until noon. They hand us a fast pass for santa at the door. Yes, folks, you can’t just wait in line for Santa at the store anymore. That would be too chaotic. You have to get an appointment. It was for 2:30. I was about to punch the guy in the face, when he was all it’s ok, just go home and come back at 2:30. Really? you obviously don’t have children. Luckily for him, I know they make him say that, so I will blame his boss for being poorly organized and not him.

Little did he know that I had friends in high places at this Bass Pro, I ran over to them frantic and in tears. Ok, not really. They came up to say hi, and I told them our dilemma. Frantic, is so much more exciting though. They ran away quickly and appeared with a fast pass for 12:30, like a hunting store employee super hero, here to rescue us. Score of a lifetime. Now we only had to kill an hour and a half. What do you do at a Bass Pro for an hour and half? Shoot guns? Why? Because the south.

Mother Daughter Bonding

So turns out they don’t let two years olds shoot guns, but they do have a great arcade game, where you can shoot pretend guns at animals. The best part, the animals get mad when you shoot them.

Was it worth the wait? Well… She took one look at santa and went into hysterics. Then spent the whole car ride home talking about how scary santa was. Guess I better warn her teacher since santa is coming to visit them at school this month.

 

p.s. look le clown its my arm!

 

 

Have you seen my Christmas Spirit?

I have not been feeling the christmas spirit this year. Which is uncharacteristic of me. Last year I decorated on November 1st and starting writing christmas blogs then as well.

Yet, this year nothing. Not even the desire to decorate. I am not sure why this is. But, I do have a few theories.

Last year’s amazing tree! Doesn’t the snow look real??

 

1. We cut off our cable. Thus, I am not seeing any holiday commercials, no ABC 31 days of christmas movies, and no holiday episodes of my favorite shows. How can anyone expect me to be in a holiday mood without the TV telling me its christmas?

2. I am not shopping. Money is tight and I have not even stepped foot into a store. To be honest, I probably won’t. Gotta love online shopping for your instant gratification needs. No stores enticing me to buy more christmas decorations.

3. I don’t go to hobby lobby anymore. This was a quick and painless break up. The Jo Ann Fabrics moved in just down the street and it is all the hobby with none of the crappy lobby. But, all that cheap christmas lobby really does put you in the mood.

4. I am trying to grow out my hair to its natural color. What does this have to do with christmas you say? A girl’s hair can make or break her day, obviously. How can I get all excited when my hair looks like poo. Cute poo, but poo none the less.

5. My Christmas as a child was just the four of us, my mom, dad, sister and me, and we are a quiet people. We would go to church on christmas eve, and make a fancy breakfast christmas morning while opening presents and listening to jazz music softly in the background. Now, my holidays are christmas eve games with the in laws, and store bought “food” (for a foodie this is a nightmare), Christmas morning with step siblings that show up to eat and open presents in two hours and then leave. Needless to say, It is not christmas to me anymore.

6. No snow. I grew up in the midwest, where it was most likely snowing in december and amazing and wonderful and fun and fluffy. Here it will most likely be 80 degrees and yucky. I’m dreaming of a white christmas here folks. Anyone care to ship me some snow on dry ice?

 

Don’t fret too much, I will find my christmas spirit, just like the grinch, and then you will be bombarded with instagram pics of my tree, my stockings, my lights, my christmas cookies, and my presents.

It is that time of year again

It is a rainy saturday afternoon. Playing blocks with a 2 year old. Building castles with doors ( the doors are apparently very important) and knocking them over. Then putting pretzels on our heads and going look I’m a princess.

What this situation really needs, I thought to myself, is Christmas music. It is after all July. (Jesus was really born in July or so they say)

I myself am a fan of the christmas. Ok that is an understatement. I have been pinning christmas DIY crafts for months.

Yet I do not live in a cold state. This means no snow at christmas. No white christmas. No Ice skating ( not the fake ice skating in shorts they do here) I want a turkey for christmas, not alligator.

I put my christmas tree that has rotating LED lights up in my classroom last year on November 1st. I got in trouble with our priest. ( I work at a religious school) Ok, not really in trouble, but he was disappointed. And you know what I simply do not see the problem. One cannot be too festive.

I think that I should be able to listen to my christmas music year round damn it. This is America. So if you see me out in my Christmas sweater this week in the 100 degree weather, some of you may shake your head in shame, but others will cheer!

Christmas everyday !!!

p.s. now my daughter is running around the house going happy christmas everyone! Success!

What is your holiday missing?

Festivus. It is what is missing from my holiday season. (yes I did say holiday. I want to include everyone of every belief this time of year because you are all special in your own way. Can’t handle it. Then Bring it.)

As described in the very realiable Wikipedia (it’s where facts are born) :

Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23 as a way to celebrate the holiday season without participating in its pressures and commercialism.^[1] It was created by writer Dan O’Keefe and introduced into popular culture by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for the TV show Seinfeld,^[1][2] as part of a comical storyline on the show. The holiday’s celebration, as shown on Seinfeld, includes an unadorned aluminum “Festivus pole”, practices such as the “Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength“, and the labeling of easily explainable events as “Festivus miracles”. Celebrants of the holiday sometimes refer to it as “a Festivus for the rest of us”, a saying taken from the O’Keefe family traditions and popularized in the Seinfeld episode to describe Festivus’ non-commercial aspect.

Why do we all need a little Festivus in our lives?

1. Airing of grievances. What I wouldn’t give to really sit down with friends and family and actually say what is on my mind. You know you want to. Double plus its a years worth of therapy all wrapped up in one day. “Oh but I don’t have any grievances, my life is perfect.” Oh I’m sorry I just threw up a little, what did you say?

2. Feats of Strength. Wrestling after dinner with the head of the house. Come on, how could it get any better than that? I can see it now, my first festivus, just waiting on who would try and beat me in a battle of strength, watching and looking for a good challenge throughout dinner. Everyone circles around and then utter domination! Wham! I win! Five seconds flat. Hey Hey a girl can dream.

3. The Festivus pole- Why have a tree that will cover your house with little needles when you can have a shiny pole. There are so many fun things to be done with a pole. Need I say more.

4. Dinner- Food, no explanation necessary.

5. No presents- This way no pressure to buy presents for people you never want to buy gifts for anyway. Yes grandma I mean you.

 *Images from www.festivus.biz and google images*

Holiday Survival

The pressure surrounding Christmas can be overwhelming. Holiday parties, family gatherings, shopping for the perfect gift, and of course having the best christmas decorations on the block. But the most pressure of all comes from your response when receiving a terrible gift. I have created a ready to go list of responses you can use.

 

How did you know I didn’t have any of these!

I am speechless…. Thank you so much

Where did you get this? I have never seen anything like it.

Oh what a creative idea!

You know I don’t usually like these but this is great!

I almost bought this for myself last week!

Oh you shouldn’t have.

My friends are going to be so jealous.

 

In order to be successful you must remember to be enthusiastic, but not overly enthusiastic or they will get suspicious. Hold back the tears. And if you can’t keep from crying make sure to pawn them off as tears of joy. Most importantly have a holiday drink on hand. Everything seems better with a glass of egg nog!

 

*image from graspingforobjectivity.com *

When Christmas attacks!

I didn’t see it coming. You see Christmas is my best friend. We reminisce all year about our good times together and plan for our next visit. We listen to our special music together, bake cookies, and decorate everything in sight. Christmas never disappoints me. She has been there for me every year no matter what is going on in our lives.

This year I decided it was time to throw my own Christmas party. I have been to many Christmas parties but never hosted one myself. In trying to plan the perfect party I decided a cookie swap would be perfect. Who doesn’t need more cookies in their life? I begin to invite people growing more and more excited each passing day. As guests begin to arrive the cookies begin to pile up like a growing mountain on the dining room table. Each time I look back it as though they have begun to multiply on their own. The table is now overflowing. At first I am not too worried. Everyone will take cookies home it will be ok. As people slowly leave the party the cookies don’t go down in size they appear to still be growing. They are going to take over my house. I have to go on the defense before it’s too late. I try to get people to take them home, but it’s as if they know the cookies are about to attack and they want nothing to do with them. The cookies begin to appear in different places throughout the house. How is this possible? What do they want? What am I going to do? There is no choice you must eat them, I tell myself. But there are so many it can’t be done!

I have no choice but to hide from the cookies and hope they give up.

 

dare to dream

 

It has become hot chocolate weather. But the best hot chocolate is the free kind your students bring you. Even better when you say this would be so good with peppermint. They jump up and go across campus to find you a peppermint to put in it.

It looks like a little life preserver. My mind wonders as I grade papers to swimming in a hot tub full of hot cocoa. With little peppermint floating around the marshmallow pillows. The snowflakes slowly falling around me and melting instantly into the chocolate swirls. Christmas music softly playing in the background.

Wait it is going to be 80 this weekend.

Oh to wish upon a dream

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fa la la la la la la

It’s november. Which means I have begun celebrating christmas. Controversial I know. But I love love love christmas. So I celebrate for two months. You want to make something of it. Then we can take it outside. I worked with inner city youth in gangs. I can take you out. Bring it.

In celebration of christmas I am going to list my top five christmas stories.

5. The christmas bench: A friend of mine’s in college mother decided that year they did not need a tree so she put out a bench and said put the presents on the bench.

4. The edible tree: In 8th grade we went to my Aunt’s house and instead of decorating the tree with ornaments we made and decorated gingerbread and sugar cookies and hung them all over the tree.

3. My honey used to trick grandma into opening all the christmas presents in the middle of the night and then secretly wrap them up so no one would know.

2. One christmas my parents gave each of us 250 dollars in ones as out only present. They gave us 12 hours to spend the money. If we had any left we had to give it back. We celebrated christmas that early early so all the stores were open. I felt like I was on a game show. Except for the part when I had to explain to the lady at gap why i was giving her 200 dollars in ones.

1. My daughter’s first christmas:  It was awesome. Need I say more?

The dark side of Christmas

Crappy Presents. Which means one thing layaway is back. Awesome. Now I can spend money every week on shit I don’t need from Walmart. Maybe I shouldn’t do presents this year. After all Christmas is not about the presents. Its about the music duh. Which is why I have convinced a group of people to go caroling with me. No I have never actually seen real carolers nor have I ever been caroling. But if I can’t have snow  then damn it I will have music. But what is music without hot chocolate and christmas cookies or and a tree. Can’t have a tree without presents. And now I’m back at walmart buying stupid shit no one needs. crap. If only we could find a way to defeat the walmart. Then we would all be free from crappy presents.

Which brings me to south park. A walmart goes into town. The people become crazed shopping at all hours buying things they don’t need because they were such a good price. The kids try and fight the walmart by killing its heart. Every where they turn people tell them it can’t be done. They get to the heart only to find that it is a mirror. The heart of walmart is its shoppers.

So if I can blame the success of walmart on its shoppers. Who can I blame for what the shoppers wear or rather don’t wear while at the store?