Oh so you want an 8 month pregnant woman to slap you

People wait until you are very very pregnant to say stupid stupid things to you. At this point you are oozing hormones out of places you did not know hormones could come out of, and this is not the time to start something with me.

Coworker: My I see someone is eating for two

Me: (in reality) stunned into silence (in my head) yes well my belly goes away after the baby comes out, what is your excuse

Brother in law: blah blah blah… babies die all the time…. blah blah blah

Me: ( in real life) you don’t know what you are talking about  (in my head) Too upset to process this.

Friend: Oh you will have to stay at the hospital for 4-5 days, I laugh when I think you want to leave before then ( we got permission from our dr to leave in 24 hours bc there is no need to stay in a hospital if you are healthy)

Me: Thats funny I don’t know of a single person who stayed that long, maybe 30 years ago when you had kids that was the case, but not anymore. ( in my head) really you are going to school me. I could dance circles around your lack of education fool.

Too many people to count: So what day are you having the baby? (literally, they wanted an exact date the baby would come)

Me: When I go into labor. (they did not like this response) ( in my head) um, seriously no one knows the exact day the baby comes stop asking me that. How the hell am I supposed to know.