Where did I leave my fart machine?

So, your workplace has become a war zone. People fighting, nasty words being slung across the room splattering nasty sludge everywhere. The air is thin. You can cut the tension with a knife.

What do you do now?

1. Hide a fart machine under your seat. Set if off right as people begin to bicker.

2. Show up in full camo. With water guns. Throw down a challenge.

3. Bring food. Lots and lots of food. People will get quiet really quickly if they are stuffing their faces.

4. Bring a guitar. Convince everyone to sit in a circle on the floor. Share feelings.

5. Hide. But not in your bosses office.

Oh you thought I was listening?


How often do you complain? How often do you have to listen to other’s complaining?

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Everywhere I turn someone has something to complain about. Sometimes it is little, such as they did not want to wake up this morning. Sometimes it is big, such as the world is out to get them.

I am so full of other peoples complaints. I was unaware that I carried around an invisible complaint box everywhere I went. I too have a life and struggles. It never fails that who ever is complaining, never asks me how I am doing.

Maybe you too have been carrying around said box. I feel your pain.

It is time we fought back. And here is how we will start.

1. Respond with: how thankful you are that you have clean drinking water, do not have cancer, or any other extreme example pointing out how petty they are being.

2. Respond with: talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening. I did this to my friends in middle school all the time and it totally worked.

3. Respond with: Gosh, your life is so terrible, does anything good every happen to you?

4. Respond with: Oh I’m sorry were you talking to me? I was busy thinking about how awesome my life is.

5. If all else fails respond with: Those goddamn (insert liberal, conservative, etc depending on the person) are ruining america! and storm off.

Three people to avoid at all costs

My three least favorite people in life are the topper, the judger, the life is black/white guy. They just have this ability to get right under my skin and fry up my nerves. I end up  walking around all on edge just waiting to pop.

The topper- This is the person you know that always did it better. You tell a story and they have one about how they did the same thing only better. Example. I was telling everyone at work I had lost fifty pounds of baby weight. Moms you know this excitement. The topper chimed in well I didnt have a baby and I lost ten pounds. Ok really? Seriously? Thanks you just couldn’t let me have my  moment could you? Oh wait I forgot it is all about you.

The Judger- This is the person who no matter what you say to them the response carries a tone of judgement. You can say anything and the response is lofty the eyes look down at you. They are shorter then you. Doesn’t matter, they can still make you feel small. All I have to say is no matter what you do or who you are there will always be someone who judges you, so go ahead judge me I ain’ t trippin’ .

Life is Black/White- This is the person that thinks life can only be one way, their way. They not only refuse to admit anyone can do things differently, they are cruel and hateful to those that do. Oh but can you talk it out. No. Don’ t try to reason with them it only makes them mad. If you make one mad don’t make eye contact. Slowly back away. If they continue to come toward you begin to agree with them and run. Run as fast as you can. They wont stop until you believe.

Don’t open your mailbox

Go to my mail box at work this past week. Seemingly normal thing to do. There is a flyer inside. What flyer you ask could be worth a blog? One that is about an upcoming lecture series on helping those with sex addiction. I mean really? I only have two questions.

One- who put those in everyones boxes?

Two- why put those in everyones boxes?

Do they think that there is a bunch of sex addicts at work and they need the help but were too uncomfortable to say it to their faces? Awkward. Or maybe the speaker is someone’s friend and they are being nice and advertising? Or maybe they are trying to find out who the sex addicts are at work?

Can you imagine the one person who is quietly thinking to themselves, “wow I am so glad to see this flyer. It must be a sign that I should get help” They go to the lecture and wam our boss is there. Caught ya! Or worse the boss is there in a corner trying not to be seen.

It is halloween so maybe if you went in a costume no one would no it was you. I have the perfect costume too.   A nun

Now that would make a great you tube video crazy nuns show up at sex addiction workshop. I can see it now.

Does my ego look big in these pants?

Have you ever met someone that knows everything there is to know. Not only that but they are never wrong. Ever. yeah I know you have. Hopefully you aren’t married to them.

My coworker is one such person. Who apparently thinks I do not know how air conditioning works. As I was informed that the whole buildings a/c turns to heat at a certain temp outside. When I said that was odd, because my a/c was still on. She informed me I was wrong. That it must be the fan blowing on me. Oh thank goodness. Here I was thinking that the ice cold air blowing out of my vents that was bringing the temperature down was air conditioning. Thank goodness she was there to explain it to me. If she could just tell me where babies come from.

Now if she would listen to me I could tell her that my room has a seperate a/c unit due to building codes at the time the building was built. However, that would require listening to someone else’s idea and considering their thoughts to be of value.

Which of course brings me to an episode of south park. The fish stick episode. Kanye West does not understand the joke, and since he is the smartest man that has ever existed he won’t let anyone explain it to him. So by the end of the episode he has decided he must be a gay fish since he likes to eat fish sticks. Say it out loud and you will get the joke.

By the way.. Do you like fish sticks?