Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th is quickly approaching. For those of you that are not prepared I have prepared a list of things to look out for so you can remain safe.

1. Wild teenagers- teenagers everywhere will throw caution to the wind and go crazy. (yes I know they always do that, but today will be worse)

2. Werewolves- Ever since vampires have gone mainstream werewolves are everywhere. And no they don’t wear shirts.

3. Ninja cat wars- The thug cats from the block have an epic battle planned against the ninja cats. Just don’t go outside after midnight. You have been warned.

4. Emergency Rooms- Just avoid them at all. Everyone who is at all prone to accidents will be in there. And there will be blood.

5. The braless old woman that walks my neighborhood- She has been training for weeks. Every night walking the block, letting it all hang out. I do not know what she is planning, but I am scared.


*Image from


Vampire Babies


My daughter loves to eat crayons.Especially the red ones. So that when it drools out it looks as though she is a vampire baby that just fed. The blood red crayons stick to every nook and crevice in her teeth. I often wonder if maybe she is really an alien baby as my dad has been suggesting all along.

I have long been afraid of the day she climbs out of her crib out of her room and I wake with her staring at me. Now I worried she will be there staring at me with blood dripping down her lips.

I have had many conversations with her about not eating crayons. She just laughs. Yes I know conversations with a one and half year old are often futile, what can I say I enjoy a challenge.

I wish I could do what I love with same abandon. Laugh when everyone told me over and over why it was wrong. Not even skipping a beat. As though it did not matter, I loved it and that was all I knew.

Sometimes in life you just have to eat crayons.


Sleepless nights

I am not a night person. Don’t even talk to me after eight pm. I am not a morning person either. I am more of ten to two kind of gal. And forget about monday. Those are just a wasted  days that I fumble through in a zombie robot haze.

I have heard rumors of people that only need four hours of sleep a night. At first I did not believe that it was possible. Like santa clause, the tooth fairy, and  sensitive men. But I saw it on fox news, thus it must be true.

I wonder if they can teach me this amazing skill of no sleep living. Imagine what I could accomplish with the extra time. I could learn the play the piano, speak french, or get a bunch of Phd’s. Only problem is when someone messes with my sleep I open a can of whoop ass.

Hold on….. You know what…. The only people who don’t need sleep are Vampires in twilight. They must be vampires. Of course. That explains everything.