I find myself laying awake after yet another family gathering has left me reminded of the gaping hole in my life family and friends have left.
I have been out of the closet for 7 years. Yet, the lack of support is like a fresh wound that will never heal.
My friends and family fall into three categories.
1. The amazing friends and family who not only understand the civil rights battle I am against, and actively work to change it everyday.
2. The acquaintances who call themselves my friends, and say in word how it is awful the way gay people are treated, but not only do nothing about it. They support, the groups and people doing me harm.
3. The people who not only support the groups and people doing me harm, but then compare me being gay to adultry or alcoholism. And that I am being selfish by wanting to be able to do the same things they get to do with their life.
Sure it is easy to say that you can’t control what people think/believe/do, but does that make it hurt any less? How long do you look at their face before the pain becomes to much to bear?
Do you say something or just let it go? Knowing in the back of your mind they will always be out there, actively making sure you are not a legal citizen in your own country, that you have to live in fear everyday. And that they don’t care what you are going through because we all have struggles, so that makes all injustice in the world ok.
Some days I am able to focus on my inner peace and let it all wash away. Others I’m left sleepless tormented by the pain.
The worst thing I can let happen is the anger eat at me. I do not want to become bitter, and angry. How do you let go of the pain when it clings to you so deeply? It is as if the pain knows that it will die if you can find a way to get rid of it, so it hides in places inside you, hoping you won’t notice it.
Please don’t let my pain keep you from eating your chick fil a, or sending money to uganda to help them pass their kill the gay bill, or to church ministries that use shock therapy to cure gays. But, do know that one day you will meet God, and I am quite certain it will not be the meeting you expect it to be.
Until then, I am going to remain strong, live my life, and surround myself with truly compassionate people, who want this world to be a better place.