Have you met God today?

image from keturahweathers.theworldrace.org

I find myself laying awake after yet another family gathering has left me reminded of the gaping hole in my life family and friends have left.

I have been out of the closet for 7 years. Yet, the lack of support is like a fresh wound that will never heal.

My friends and family fall into three categories.

1. The amazing friends and family who not only understand the civil rights battle I am against, and actively work to change it everyday.

2. The acquaintances who call themselves my friends, and say in word how it is awful the way gay people are treated, but not only do nothing about it. They support, the groups and people doing me harm.

3. The people who not only support the groups and people doing me harm, but then compare me being gay to adultry or alcoholism. And that I am being selfish by wanting to be able to do the same things they get to do with their life.

Sure it is easy to say that you can’t control what people think/believe/do, but does that make it hurt any less? How long do you look at their face before the pain becomes to much to bear?

Do you say something or just let it go? Knowing in the back of your mind they will always be out there, actively making sure you are not a legal citizen in your own country, that you have to live in fear everyday. And that they don’t care what you are going through because we all have struggles, so that makes all injustice in the world ok.

Some days I am able to focus on my inner peace and let it all wash away. Others I’m left sleepless tormented by the pain.

The worst thing I can let happen is the anger eat at me. I do not want to become bitter, and angry. How do you let go of the pain when it clings to you so deeply? It is as if the pain knows that it will die if you can find a way to get rid of it, so it hides in places inside you, hoping you won’t notice it.

Please don’t let my pain keep you from eating your chick fil a, or sending money to uganda to help them pass their kill the gay bill, or to church ministries that use shock therapy to cure gays. But, do know that one day you will meet God, and I am quite certain it will not be the meeting you expect it to be.

Until then, I am going to remain strong, live my life, and surround myself with truly compassionate people, who want this world to be a better place.

Where is the world is NeverContrary?

The question I pose to you today is….

 

Any guesses on why I was here and what I was doing?

 

 

Where did I leave my fart machine?

So, your workplace has become a war zone. People fighting, nasty words being slung across the room splattering nasty sludge everywhere. The air is thin. You can cut the tension with a knife.

What do you do now?

image from http://www.wolfscape.com

1. Hide a fart machine under your seat. Set if off right as people begin to bicker.

2. Show up in full camo. With water guns. Throw down a challenge.

3. Bring food. Lots and lots of food. People will get quiet really quickly if they are stuffing their faces.

4. Bring a guitar. Convince everyone to sit in a circle on the floor. Share feelings.

5. Hide. But not in your bosses office.

You want me to go where?!!

I used to have a class on the first floor. My professor decided the room is too small, so he moved us to the fourth floor. The problem with that is that the building is a few buildings put together, so you cannnot simply go up the stairs to the fourth floor not all stairs lead to the fourth floor. Just like Hogwarts.

Here are the directions I was given:

Go in the entrance on the quad, then go up the first set of stairs to the second floor. Follow the hall until you see a coke machine. Then turn there and go up those stairs to the fourth floor.

Sounds simply ish.

No

I get to the building, walk up the first set of stairs two flights. All the while carrying an epic backpack as I have class for 8 hours a day. Then I walk down the hall. It never ends. I see a staircase and I am tempted to go up, but I have yet to see this magic coke machine, so I press on. The hallway turns left, then turns right, and turns again. Then I go through some doors. The hallway continues. More doors. And I see it the coke machine. And down the little coke hallway is a tiny set of stairs. Super sketchy. So I go up the stairs two more flights. I make it to the forth floor.

What is on the fourth floor of this crazy hogwarts building with staircases that  go nowhere? Physics department. I had stepped into the big bang department. No wonder it was impossible to find.

One would think that it was all safe. I had made it. One problem remained. I had to go to the restroom. The hallways spread out like fingers on a hand on the fourth floor. I picked one, no restroom. I picked another one, no restroom. Now I was lost.

Why? Magical building, Why?

I hope you studied part III

I have been taking you on a magical journey through high school exams. Part One and Part Two.

Giving exams can be quite different from taking them. One of the most frustrating parts of exams is the students who chose not to do the review for the exams. I know I am a great teacher, but you really want me to believe you learned an entire years worth of math so well that you do not need to do any review problems? You flatterer you. Those students are always the first ones finished. I cringe when they set their test down and the front page is covered in mistakes.

Students like that make you understand why someone would want to drink at work. I never would, but I know the feeling of students making you want to drink. There are even t-shirts that say, if you taught highschool you would drink too. Speaking of drinks, I wonder how I can sneak booze into my mother in-laws for memorial day? Should I just flask it? Or go with the Smirnoff in a water bottle? It would be so much easier if drinking wasn’t against their religion. I am just trying to be like jesus and feed the people wine.

As the kids all slowly finish their test, there is always that one still going. They make eye contact and then quickly look away. Knowing I am waiting for them to finish and them alone. It is an intense moment. I try not to look at them, so they will not feel any pressure. Believe it or not I want them to do well on the test. I know you thought I was in teaching for the money, so one day I could go on house hunters international.

Who are these people buying million dollar vacation homes and how do I become friends with them? I have yet to break into this elite group. And watching them on tv is killing me. Must be nice 25 year old couple buying a home in the bahamas because you just want to get away from your stressful life. Must be nice.

As the students all leave for the year I often wonder what I will do without them all summer. Who will fill me in on the latest boy band songs? What will I do without someone telling me how awesome it is to get a driver’s license? And of course what will I do without the daily reminder that every other teacher lets their class go to lunch early?

I always leave my students with this advice- be good and if you can’t be good be safe.

I hope you studied part two

Yesterday I began a wonderful story of the most amazing time in a students life exams.

Each moment during an exam passes so slowly I could swear it stopped. Or maybe it was just the people father time employs playing a cruel cruel joke on me. Damn you father time, control your employees.

2 hours left alone with my thoughts. Scary.

I often think of Sookie in true blood and hope no one can hear my thoughts. Which makes no sense, as I share my thoughts freely with all of you.

In Louisiana seniors get out of school a few weeks earlier than the rest of the high school. I cannot remember if I got out early as a senior. Is this common place in every state? Why would senior year be shorter than other years? I guess they learned all they needed to know.

I used to row crew in college. There was a girl on my team, lets call her Roxanne. Every time we would go to the gym and workout on the ergs (the rowing machines) it was beyond like a porno. People are known to moan when they workout, but this was beyond moaning. It was full out Samantha sex and the city moaning. Maybe we should have said something to her. Can you imagine if her boyfriend had heard her workout then they had sex and she was quiet. Talk about awkward.

I wonder what goes through peoples mind that think everyone should have a right to bully someone. Do they realize that means someone could bully their kid? I don’t think they realize what the kids do on the internet to each other today. Then again sometimes it is those parents doing the bullying.

I bet those parents wouldn’t be so uptight if they had not had to wear those short shorts for so long.

Oh good now 30 minutes have passed.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you studied

Semester Exams are upon us. Students fear them, teachers dread them, and parents sit at home and pray. The whole exam process is intense right up until the exam. Once the exam has begun there is nothing left to do except hope you have studied enough.

image from http://kaykaynewman.files.wordpress.com

As a teacher an exam means sitting in silence for two hours and staring to make sure no one has wandering eyes. As you glance about the room it is quite the amusing sight. There is always the student who has to look around the room, but is careful that they are never looking at someone else. The student who is holding back the tears, as they realize they do not know how to answer a single question. The student who falls asleep in the middle of the test. The student who finishes early and tries to flirt across the room with the popular girl in the corner.

It can be quite boring with nothing to do for hours each day. Thus my mind wanders. I thought I would share with you where my mind wandered today.

First, I noticed a student had hot pink tie dyed socks. And I thought I really love socks. I used to where knee-high rainbow socks with the toes every day. Socks are just so great. You can slide across the wood floor on them. They keep your feet from getting dirty. I should really start wearing socks again.

image from http://www.campist.com/

I am so uncomfortable. I wish I could sit with my knees up, but that is unprofessional. Sure the kids are sitting like that, but you are the adult. Act like a lady damn it. I went to a conference and this old woman asked me why young people sit with their legs up and not proper, and how she always yelled at her students for it. I shrugged and said it is a generational thing. I value comfort over what I am ‘supposed’ to do. You value what you are ‘supposed’ to do over comfort. She did not buy it.

Maybe she could explain to why men used to not only wear short shorts, but it was normal. OMG. Just the pictures of it have given me nightmares. Weren’t they afraid they would fall out? Why was this ever acceptable?

Then, Papa don’t preach came into my head. Not the Madonna one, but Kelly Osbourne. Gosh I miss the Osbourne’s on MTV. SHARON!!!

And I looked up at the clock and noticed ten minutes had past. Dear God.

 

To Be Continued…

Update: Gardening dreams

I know that all of you are on edge as to the status of my garden. I will put you out of your misery. It is thriving! And I have not forgotten to water it yet!

In Case you have forgotten Here is the original post about my garden.

It started as this:

The finished garden! Have you seen anything more precious? Of course you haven't.

 

And One week later it is now this !

Who knew I had such a green thumb?

And Two weeks later! ( yes I just went out in the dark to take this picture)

On my way to being a true American Farmer

 

Everyone has their reasons

I often wonder why other people blog. What brought them to that very first blog, and what they felt when they clicked publish for the first time. I myself blog for various reasons. In my “real” life I am a teacher in a religious school in a conservative city in a republican state. This leads to a lot of me not being able to discuss my opinions, thoughts, or feelings on a daily basis. Sure I could discuss them, I just might lose my jobs, family and friends. Do I want friends I can’t talk to or a job I have to be super careful in that is another discussion for another day. For many years I just kept my thoughts and feelings bottled up. As many of us are trained to do from a young age. But as I became a parent I find it harder and harder to do so. I don’t want my daughter ever afraid to be who she is and say what she means. If I am not setting that example then how will she learn to do it? Secondly I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t sleep anymore. I had so many thoughts bouncing around in my head that I could not quiet them to sleep. So I decided to start writing out my thoughts. And it has changed my life. Just the simple act of writing out my thoughts on something as silly as something I heard that day and sending it out into the universe  is an amazing release. It is as though I am packaging little pieces of my soul and sending them out to share with the world. I know not everything I write will be loved by everyone, but no matter who I am someone out there will have a problem with it so I might as well be myself.

 

13 and Pregnant

Second Edition of Crazy School Stories:  no names have been used to protect privacy:) 

The 13 and pregnant edition 

See the first edition crazy mama’s here

1. My first year teaching I had a freshman class. My first student to get pregnant was in this class. She had gotten pregnant that summer. She was 13.

2. That same year another one of my students pretended to be pregnant because her boyfriend broke up with her. He found out she had lied. They got into a big fight in front of my room. He yelled at her “I wish you had been pregnant, I could have killed you and the baby”

3. A couple years later a found out that one of my students hid a pregnancy and gave the baby to her aunt to raise as her own. The next year she got pregnant with twins she was a senior that year.

4. One student became pregnant for her father. He was arrested. She went crazy because she was in love with him. They “forced” her to get an abortion.

5. One student had to be sent to another school because even though she was pregnant she kept getting into very serious fights. They were afraid for the baby, well the school was, not the people she fought.

6. All in all I have taught ten pregnant teenagers so far. That does not include the boys who had kids because they could hide that. This is only my fourth year teaching. That abstinence only training is working!