Every teenager has a list at the ready to be recited of things their parents have done to screw them up. Naturally, I do not want to deprive my daughter of being able to do this.
1. I have told her that wheat bread cut into circles is in fact a cookie. She literally thinks she is eating cookies. It has worked so well that when she if offered a real cookie she refuses to eat them.
2. Every day after work we have a dance party. She is at the age where she loves to copy what I do. I purposely do horrible dance moves. She copies them thinking we are great dancers. This will be quite the disappointment for her later.
3. During our dance party she always requests Lady Gaga. What better to dance to. The only problem is she is a little young for most of her songs. So, I play oldies and tell her it is Lady Gaga.
4. She will go to the school I work at. (unless we move). Yep pre k- 12th grade. Be at a school where everyone knows me and I know all her friends and what they are all up to. She may even be in my class, more than once.
But really everything I have done is small potatoes in comparison to the ridiculous things parents have said with auto correct on their smart phones. If you really want a good laugh, go to the bathroom first, then click here.
I have been watching all of the politicians talking about how life is being destroyed by various awful terrible things. But they are worse things that could happen. Such as having three teenage daughters who make a video called my pie rack.
Go ahead think of something worse. Nope you can’t do it. One horrible day my little precious baby will turn into a teenager and she will date. Just saying it out loud is awful.
So to make sure only the worthiest of suitors actually makes it through I have set up a list of tasks to weed out the weaker mates.
1. Carry a gun with me at all times and casually pull it out to clean every time any potential date comes over.
2. Suddenly need to go wherever it is my daughter and her “friends” are going.
3. “Pretend” to have my sister in law run a background check on him and pull it out to go over the finer points.
4. Invite his parents over so we can discuss our expectations for not having any grandchildren any time soon and make sure to go into details of how they were conceived in case they forgot how it works.
5. Make sure to always bring my daughter the tampons she forgot at home.
As a parent of a toddler I don’t get out much. I can’t even remember the last time I was out after dinner time. I remember being 21 and going out late at night and blasting the music on the way to club. Today I had the same feeling. It was dark out, the music blasting, and I was pumped. One problem. I was in my work clothes still, make up from six am and only going to target. My teenage self would be so dissapointed. I was going to stick it to the man, live in the city, paint my nails black, and live an edgy artistic life. What happened?
I got tired of being broke. Got a real job. Got tired of living in apartments and couldn’t afford a house in the city, so I bought a house in the burbs. Had a baby. And thus here I am. It was inevitable really.
If I could have told my 18 year old self who I am today. I probably would have laughed and said yeah right you are full of shit. Older me would probably just shake my head and say oh you are so young. Just you wait.
Just you wait.