What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.

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At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. 🙂

Raising a Southern Belle

I am in the midst of raising a southern girl. This is a challenging and unique task. Believe it or not a true southern girl is quite multi-faceted and means many different things to many different people. Here are a few of the most important key points to raising a southern girl:

1. Sweet tea, a southern girl must have an appreciation for sweet tea. No my one year old does not drink tea yet, but she can sense it is being poured from across the house and comes running. Just in case I change my mind. What will make your southern girl stand out will be if she can make her own sweet tea.

2. Football. Specifically SEC college football. Not only does my daughter dress in an LSU cheerleader outfit every game day. She raises her arms and says GO! anytime she sees football on TV. There are lots of other types of football (pro, ACC, Pac -10) But they are weak attempts to be the SEC. Experiencing a rivalry SEC football game is something everyone must do in life. Add it to your bucket list.

3. Proper Southern food- Grits, Fried chicken, fried pickles, biscuits, etc. Not only do you need to teach your southern girl to eat these foods, but she must be able to cook them. Even if they are one and too young to cook they can pull up a chair and watch you cook so a true appreciation of cooking soaks in. I am  not talking “cooking” from a box or the freezer. Cooking everyday meals from scratch is a dying art. Being able to cook and cook well will really make your girl stand out from the crowd when it comes to suitors.

4. four wheelers, tractors, outdoorsmen activity- yes you are raising a girl, but a southern girl can hang tough with the boys in all they do. This is very key to a true southern woman and an imposter. A southern girl isn’t afraid  of a little dirt.

5. Family- The most important thing to a southern girl is her family. No matter how crazy they can be. Family comes first. Unless of course they betray you in an unforgivable way. Naturally.

6. Flirting- A southern girl with the wink of an eye, or a shrug of the shoulder can make a man weak at the knees. Sometimes this can be taught, sometimes it comes naturally, and sometimes you just need to pin your hopes on her being really smart.

According the the Urban Dictionary:

Southern Girl : the best kind of girls around. always cute and propper, never ever seen in public without there pearls, lacostes, polos, designer jeans, michael stars, or sunglasses w/ croakies. usually seen cruising around in there range rovers/land rovers and blasting there beach music. southern girls know how to party and can drink a beer better than any other kind of girl. they are alot of fun and always cute and preppy. they are extremely adorable fun lovin girls from there perfectly cut hair down to there peticured toes