Oh so you want an 8 month pregnant woman to slap you

People wait until you are very very pregnant to say stupid stupid things to you. At this point you are oozing hormones out of places you did not know hormones could come out of, and this is not the time to start something with me.

Coworker: My I see someone is eating for two

Me: (in reality) stunned into silence (in my head) yes well my belly goes away after the baby comes out, what is your excuse

Brother in law: blah blah blah… babies die all the time…. blah blah blah

Me: ( in real life) you don’t know what you are talking about  (in my head) Too upset to process this.

Friend: Oh you will have to stay at the hospital for 4-5 days, I laugh when I think you want to leave before then ( we got permission from our dr to leave in 24 hours bc there is no need to stay in a hospital if you are healthy)

Me: Thats funny I don’t know of a single person who stayed that long, maybe 30 years ago when you had kids that was the case, but not anymore. ( in my head) really you are going to school me. I could dance circles around your lack of education fool.

Too many people to count: So what day are you having the baby? (literally, they wanted an exact date the baby would come)

Me: When I go into labor. (they did not like this response) ( in my head) um, seriously no one knows the exact day the baby comes stop asking me that. How the hell am I supposed to know.

Top 5 things to NOT ask a pregnant lesbian

Earlier I wrote a mind blowing post about what not to ask a lesbian about sex. Today I am going to blow your mind with more gay education.

What not to say to  a pregnant lesbian:

Why yes, that is my belly, my how long ago that seems now.

1. But you can’t get pregnant? / How did that happen? 

One, you sound ignorant. There is in fact multiple ways to get pregnant without having sex with a boy. Two, what you are really asking me is how I got sperm in my vagina. You do realize that don’t you? Have you ever asked a straight woman that? No, because it is rude as hell to ask someone how they got sperm up their vagina.

2. Won’t you kid be messed up because they don’t have a dad?

The best part this was asked to me by someone who is messed up because their parents were abusive, yes, her heterosexual mom and dad. To answer your question, no my child will be far better off, more loved, and more prepared for life than you ever were. Thanks. And yes, I have multiple research studies to back that up.

3. Who’s the dad? 

Really? Do you ask your straight friends this? Just because they are in a committed relationship doesn’t mean that is the dad. No, that would be rude wouldn’t it? My standard answer, my baby is a blessing from god. Thank you.

4. Was it an accident?

This one made me laugh and laugh. They literally forgot I couldn’t get pregnant by accident. Made my night.

5. Are you going to tell them who their dad is? 

One, none of your damn business. Two, they have two parents thank you. Did I  mention it is none of your damn business.

6. Do you think they will be gay?

One, straight people have gay kids, not gay people. Two, I can no more change the color of my child’s eyes then their sexuality. If they are gay it is not because of me, but because they were born that way. I will love them no matter what. What we really should be discussing is how you will handle it when your kid comes out.

oops that is six not five. Oh well. I could go on all night.