I can see you judging me, and I don’t care

Because guess what honey? I am not judging you.

Dip one toe in the internet waters these days and Judgey Mc Judgey pants will be on your ass faster than you can say your stance on Vaccinations.

-Instant Reactions-

-Anger-

-Idiots everywhere-

I often wonder how we got here. When did our lives become so instant that we could not be bothered to see something from someone else’s perspective?  I suppose that I could be excited that everyone has become so passionate. But, I am not one for simply just being satisfied with ok. We can be so much better than this.

What happened to compassion? Empathy? Understanding?

For me, I find this hardest in the middle of the mommy wars. Can you blame me? My life is small children right now. I have friends commenting that no one should get vaccines, others saying those not getting them are stupid and ruining america. Friends saying mothers are awful if their child died in a car wreck in a car seat they would not have used. Seriously, is it so hard to believe that for the most part we are all trying our best? Yes, people fuck up, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t do the best they were capable of.

So to everyone out there. I am not judging you. You are doing awesome at this life thing. Because life is hard and I am not perfect at it either.

Unless you don’t like to hike. Then forget it. I am totally judging you right now.

Cut your parents some slack

Today while I was on lunch duty, by the pizza line (yes the pizza they serve in a pre-made plastic bag) , in the rain, I watched high schoolers stand in the quad and just get rained on. For the life of my I could understand why they didn’t just go inside to the cafeteria. Why did they need to stand in the rain and eat? While contemplating this, and crossing my fingers no one hit anyone because I sure as hell was not going out in that rain, I realized I did the same thing in high school. When it would rain, I would go out of my way to go outside and walk in the rain and splash in the puddles in between classes. Yet, I have no clue why I did this. Seriously, it is gone from my mind.

So maybe your parents did do the crazy things you are doing now, but they don’t know why they did them and can no longer understand them. Cut them some slack, they were just like you once. Even if they forget why.

A week ago my daughter woke up crying to get into bed with me. It made me think back to when I would have a nightmare and run into my parents room and instantly feel safe laying between them. What frightened me was that I am now this safety net for someone else. What immense pressure. I don’t know what I am doing, hell I’m still afraid of all the bumps I hear in the night. How can I possibly be the creator of safety? I wonder how scared my parents were when I was young and ran to them. If they were, they never let it show.

The moral of the story is: kids, the next time your parents are acting a fool, just remember one day you will become them and you will have no idea how you got there, so be patient with us and hope your kids will be patient with you. We don’t know as much as we look like we do.

Super mom, keeping small children safe from giraffes everyday.

Super mom, keeping small children safe from giraffes everyday.

 

Nightmares

The nightmares of a two year old:

image from national geographic

T: Mommy! Mommy ! The monkey is sleeping.

NC: Yes baby the monkey is sleeping

T: No, it took my dress. It is a nasty nasty yucky monkey. It is in the house. It is going to hurt me.

NC: No, baby, there are no monkeys in the house. We left them at the zoo all locked up.

T: The monkey is at the door.

NC: No baby there are no monkeys at the door. I promise.

T: The kitty will attack the monkey when he gets in the house.

NC: Ok good thing we have a kitty.

There is something wrong with those damn pumpkins

It was a hot humid saturday morning. All was calm on the long drive out to the country. What would posses someone to drive to the country? Overpriced pumpkins, thats what. The day was looming over me, I should have known it would all go bad quickly.

The day started out with a screaming toddler adamant that she did not have a thing to wear in her closet. Yes, she was completely serious, and yes she tries on at least three to four outfits each morning, runs to my room, looks in the mirror to check it out and comes back to say that she cannot wear this dress, she needs another one. An hour later, we are at target attempting to find a suitable dress for her. Don’t judge me. So, we found a coral satin dress on clearance put in on in the aisle, because she undressed right there, and headed to the patch to look for pumpkins in the 90 degree heat.

We park the car right on top of a …. fire ant hill! As I am unbuckling said child from the car ten ants bite me all at once, because they are bitches like that. I yell out “O Shit,” as I try and scrape them off me. So of course my daughter is walking up to the patch going oh shit, oh shit. Luckily I ignored it, so she stopped.

First stop, face painting! Nope. We walk up and she covers her face screaming. Fail.

Second stop, Pumpkins! Nope. She refuses to touch them because, ready for it, they have dirt on them. Yes indeed folks. We can’t buy a pumpkin because it has dirt on it. You cannot teach this level of girlie.

Third stop, rides. Yes. Finally she will play on the playground and run around. Success. I am so glad we drove all the way out here for you to play on the playground little one. At least I bought a jar of homemade strawberry  jam.

Finally, Titi arrives ( this is her aunt aka my sister ) She scoops her up and away they go to pet the animals. Even gets her to hold a baby chicken!

Yet another years pumpkin patch written down in the books. Maybe next year we will travel and visit friends in the fall so we can go to an apple orchard instead.

mommy look at the nasty pumpkins

The time of year we all celebrate what is gross and evil, hooray!

Today is almost October 1st. So naturally, we began our month long halloween celebration. If you knew me in high school you would wonder how I had gone from not celebrating Halloween because it was a satanic pagan holiday to a month long celebration, but isn’t that everyone’s natural progression?

Halloween and October mark the beginning of fall. The stores begin to put out fall decorations, isles upon isles of candy to continue the decline of American youth into a hopeless cycle of depression and despair, and of course Christmas begins to go up in many stores as well. America is nothing if not a good corporation ready to sell you cheaply made goods at your weakest moments.

We began our celebration with cookies. I always bring cookies to the old ladies who live in the two houses next to me. Little did I know that bringing cookies today would make me privy to the war that is about to start between the three houses next to each other all because one of the old ladies needs a boyfriend that makes more money than the one she has. Yes it is an awesome story, but it deserves it’s own post, so I will continue on.

I can smell the cookie wonderfulness from here.

Next we went to the center of all that is Halloween, Party City. The aisles were covered in cob webs with “giant happy bad guys” hanging from the ceiling. Why did my daughter think they were happy, I guess I will never know. Creepy kid. We have been talking for weeks about this costume. She looked through the catalog each morning with her breakfast everyday.

Nothing like the morning paper to get your day started.

It was time to commit. The pressure was building. We went to the wall of pictures and found the number of our costume.  The store clerk, who seemed a little old to be working at party city, brought us our magical Alice in Wonderland dress. She squeeled in delight. Did we try it on right then and there. Absolutely. [the old store clerk said we could so there] What was the first thing she said, when she looked down at her dress? Where is the rabbit? A sign that she has watched Alice too many times, or a sign that she can memorize lines and will be a famous actress that buys me a giant mansion because she loves me so much. Only time will tell. I am hoping for the giant mansion. Blogging parties anyone? Bring your own red solo cups.

“It’s a pretty dress”

Wait, you mean there is more to this magical not yet Halloween day? Why, yes there is. A bath with glow sticks to be exact. I know your mind is being blown as we speak. Glow sticks are something I was deprived of as a child. But, not my kid. We shall glow every night if we want to.

“Mommy, it’s dark”

p.s. Our day ended with homemade chicken parmesan made by my wife, who swears when we met she had never cooked, and a raspberry pie, made by yours truly. It’s ok to be a little jealous. I would be. Except I can’t be jealous of myself.

Priceless moments with your friendly cashier

Scene: Target Check out line

Characters: Daughter and wife ( I was at school)

 

Wife walks up to cashier.

Cashier: My you are a pretty girl. You must look like your daddy. [ implying that my daughter looks nothing like my wife]

Daughter: I don’t have a daddy. Mama!

Wife: She doesn’t have a dad.

Daughter: This is my mama, my mommy is at school

Cashier: Silence

 

 

The ability to make strangers leave you alone. Priceless.

Top 5 things to NOT ask a pregnant lesbian

Earlier I wrote a mind blowing post about what not to ask a lesbian about sex. Today I am going to blow your mind with more gay education.

What not to say to  a pregnant lesbian:

Why yes, that is my belly, my how long ago that seems now.

1. But you can’t get pregnant? / How did that happen? 

One, you sound ignorant. There is in fact multiple ways to get pregnant without having sex with a boy. Two, what you are really asking me is how I got sperm in my vagina. You do realize that don’t you? Have you ever asked a straight woman that? No, because it is rude as hell to ask someone how they got sperm up their vagina.

2. Won’t you kid be messed up because they don’t have a dad?

The best part this was asked to me by someone who is messed up because their parents were abusive, yes, her heterosexual mom and dad. To answer your question, no my child will be far better off, more loved, and more prepared for life than you ever were. Thanks. And yes, I have multiple research studies to back that up.

3. Who’s the dad? 

Really? Do you ask your straight friends this? Just because they are in a committed relationship doesn’t mean that is the dad. No, that would be rude wouldn’t it? My standard answer, my baby is a blessing from god. Thank you.

4. Was it an accident?

This one made me laugh and laugh. They literally forgot I couldn’t get pregnant by accident. Made my night.

5. Are you going to tell them who their dad is? 

One, none of your damn business. Two, they have two parents thank you. Did I  mention it is none of your damn business.

6. Do you think they will be gay?

One, straight people have gay kids, not gay people. Two, I can no more change the color of my child’s eyes then their sexuality. If they are gay it is not because of me, but because they were born that way. I will love them no matter what. What we really should be discussing is how you will handle it when your kid comes out.

oops that is six not five. Oh well. I could go on all night.

Conversations with a 2 year old

Conversations with my 2 year old:

 

Me- In five minutes it is bed time

Five minutes later

Me- Come here T.

T- No I’m not stupid.

 

In reference to her barbie skipper

T- I want Skipper to say hi to the boys.

 

Dad at Park- I can’t remember how old my kid is, I am a terrible father

T- He is stupid.

 

T- I want to watch bad guys

Me- How about a princess movie

T- No, bad guys.

 

Me- T, I don’t feel good sing me soft kitty.

T- Soft kitty, warm kitty… BAD KITTY hahaha.

 

At the splash park

T- points at a four year old- he is a baby he has a diaper.

kid runs away crying.

Wife to mom- I’m so sorry, I will make her apologize

Mom- no he needs to man up and stop wearing diapers.

 

At the park on the swings

T- Talking to one year old next to her- this is my mama my mommy is at school.

Dad takes kid and leaves.

Take me to your leader

I have often wondered where my obsession with aliens comes from. After much thought and deliberation it must come from my father. If you missed it here is a blog I wrote about my dad- promise it is a must read

My whole life he has been filling my mind with Star Trek, X- files, and all books with aliens in them.

One episode of X-files had me so freaked out I was checking every ceiling corner of every room I entered for giant bat men for months.

The best alien moments my dad has provided me with

5. Teaching me all the different aliens in Star Trek

4. Getting my sister to convince me she was an alien. Yes I believed her. No I was not that young.

3. Spending friday nights with me watching X-files instead of letting me getting into typical teenage trouble.

2. Telling the nurse as she gave me a shot to slow early labor down, that she was giving me a shot because it was an alien baby and that is what you do to alien babies.

1. Yes he really said that to the nurse, so it totally deserves two places on the list.

So you think you can tell me what to do

We have entered the no nap zone at my house- the war to end all wars.

 

For any parent out there, they know this war. You never see it coming. Blindsided by a week or a month of fuss free napping, and BAM no more naps! The screaming, the room torn apart, the need for extra wine each night.

One must be careful and plan a strategy when these battles start to break out. You cannot just run in screaming. That’s what they want you to do.

 

1. The I am going to exhaust you each morning strategy. I know you think the pool is fun, but really it is my way of making you so tired you cannot resist the nap.

2. The Bribe method. If you take a nap, all of your wildest dreams will come true. I promise. Really I do. Damn, even I don’t believe that one.

3. The reverse psychology method. Don’t make them take a nap, let them run around like a wild beast hoping they pass out before bed time. *This method is not for the OCD parents out there*

4. Get a babysitter for nap time. This method can be costly, but if you are not home to make nap happen, then you can tell yourself it did happen. Or that is was the babysitters fault. Damn babysitter.

5. Give up completely. Forgo naps and decide the best thing to do in the afternoons is build giant forts in the living room and protect princesses from dragons.