Have you met God today?

image from keturahweathers.theworldrace.org

I find myself laying awake after yet another family gathering has left me reminded of the gaping hole in my life family and friends have left.

I have been out of the closet for 7 years. Yet, the lack of support is like a fresh wound that will never heal.

My friends and family fall into three categories.

1. The amazing friends and family who not only understand the civil rights battle I am against, and actively work to change it everyday.

2. The acquaintances who call themselves my friends, and say in word how it is awful the way gay people are treated, but not only do nothing about it. They support, the groups and people doing me harm.

3. The people who not only support the groups and people doing me harm, but then compare me being gay to adultry or alcoholism. And that I am being selfish by wanting to be able to do the same things they get to do with their life.

Sure it is easy to say that you can’t control what people think/believe/do, but does that make it hurt any less? How long do you look at their face before the pain becomes to much to bear?

Do you say something or just let it go? Knowing in the back of your mind they will always be out there, actively making sure you are not a legal citizen in your own country, that you have to live in fear everyday. And that they don’t care what you are going through because we all have struggles, so that makes all injustice in the world ok.

Some days I am able to focus on my inner peace and let it all wash away. Others I’m left sleepless tormented by the pain.

The worst thing I can let happen is the anger eat at me. I do not want to become bitter, and angry. How do you let go of the pain when it clings to you so deeply? It is as if the pain knows that it will die if you can find a way to get rid of it, so it hides in places inside you, hoping you won’t notice it.

Please don’t let my pain keep you from eating your chick fil a, or sending money to uganda to help them pass their kill the gay bill, or to church ministries that use shock therapy to cure gays. But, do know that one day you will meet God, and I am quite certain it will not be the meeting you expect it to be.

Until then, I am going to remain strong, live my life, and surround myself with truly compassionate people, who want this world to be a better place.

Where is the world is NeverContrary?

The question I pose to you today is….

 

Any guesses on why I was here and what I was doing?

 

 

Is 50 to old to be a slut?

Enter if you dare....

I live in a fifty year old house. My house has been around almost twice as long as I have. Most of my house has been updated, but you just can’t update the bones of a house. The windows rattle in the wind on a stormy night. The walls are paper thin; allowing me to hear the neighborhood drama. But, the worst sounds come from the front door. All day long it sounds as if someone is falling on it. Perhaps one of the ninja cats from next door ran up and hit the door, or a stick flew through the air and landed at my doorstep. When I open the door, nothing. It has left me perplexed.

The only logical conclusion is ghosts, naturally. Everywhere you step in Louisiana there is another ghost. I wrote a theory on that here. It is possible I have my very own ghost. Someone was kidnapped and killed in my house 30 ish years ago,  the gruesome details about that are here. Maybe the ghost kid is trying to get out of the house every day because at night the door does not make any noise. But what if, my door is actually enticing to all the ghosts in the neighborhood. Each time one of them enters the house the doors shifts.  I did put out a welcome mat and paint the door a sexy red. I knew I should have painted my door a less slutty color.

I'm sexy and I know it

Start talking to strangers

Growing up everyone tells you not to talk to strangers. Sure, they were partially right. Don’t go up to a stranger and start talking about your social security numbers and then ask for a ride in their big white van. But, would it kill you to say good morning?

I went for a walk today. As I walked around the lake I said good morning and smiled at each person I passed. I got a 50% return on my good mornings. I know I can be intimidating, but I was not wearing my trench coat or driving a my big sketchy van, what were they afraid of?

Pause for the scenery

 

There were the old ladies chatting that gladly welcomed my good morning, the construction workers who lingered on their waves, and the surprised runners who almost laughed as they responded.

I like to imagine why people are not speaking to me.

If they are listening to their music, I imagine they are so wrapped up in Kevin Gates, or ICP that they don’t even see me. I mean who doesn’t get lost in the music.

I imagine the bikers are in too much pain from those bike shorts to even speak. I don’t think they come off once you get them on.

The skinny moms, pushing two kids in a $300 jogging stroller; have gone crazy. Who pushing 50 pounds for 4 + miles while they run? Crazy people do. You do not want to talk to the crazy ones. They will cut a bitch.

The random guy sitting in his car watching the people run past. DO NOT TALK TO HIM. He is creepy. Forget that he is probably just waiting on someone, and focus on the small chance he could be sent from the CIA to silence you. You know to much.

 

 

 

So long and Thanks for all the Fish

I have decided that gnats are trying to tell us something. And it is urgent. They swarm at your face only to get repeatedly swatted away. Why suffer such pain for nothing?They dive right toward your eye every time so you do not miss them. Is the world ending? Did I forget to turn off my car lights? Has Santorum decided to drop out and support Obama? Free ice cream in the quad?

What are you trying to tell me gnat? What is it? I have to know!

I do not understand your language. Maybe you could give me a hint. Damn, you probably are and I am not getting it. This deeply concerns me. Why you ask? Well I presume you have all seen The hitch hikers guide to the galaxy. In which the dolphins have been trying to tell the human race that earth was to be destroyed for an intergalactic highway. The humans mistook the message for a sea world show. And earth was blown up.

I bet Newt knows and that is why he wants to go to the moon.

All consuming Fear

Deep inside

In the depths of your soul

It waits

patiently

to consume you

Are you ready?

I am fighting back

are you?

I will not let the fear win

not today

Fear is Powerful and

STRONG

if you are not careful

it will change you

so slowly

you won’t even feel it

until one day

you are one of them

on tv

warning of the end of all that we hold dear

because you chose to

let

fear

in

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking a Gamble

At a meeting this week we had a speaker talk about poker. He talked about how successful people in life have tons of poker chip and thus are will to take lots of risks because they have poker chips to spare. Prom queen – you get 10,000 chips. New Job- 20,000 chips. Some people have had bad thing after bad thing take most of their poker chips and they simply are not willing to risk chips for just anything. Failed a class -5,000 chips, lose your home -50,000 chips.

I began thinking about my life and what risks I take and which ones I say no I can’t afford to lose that many chips if things went badly. When I was younger I feel as though I had a lot more chips than I have know. Life has taken its toll on me. And I am a much harder person not willing to just let it all hang out. I find that the older I get the harder it is to be willing to let any chips go. And this makes me sad.

I want to return to that carefree go where the wind blows girl. Saying what I thought, dressing how I wanted. Not giving a damn what anyone anywhere thought of me. I know I have posted similar blogs to this, but what can I say this is on my mind everyday. I day dream of standing up in the middle of a big crowd and yelling I’m here! This is me! And I’m damn proud!

If you had one chip left to your name- what would you do? who would you be?

 

Do kids ever actually sleep?

In beyond super exciting news, an awesome blog The Lutheran Church of Australia: In my opinion has used a portion of one of my blog Everyone has their reasons as an intro to a super sweet blog on secrets check it out! Bloggers are awesome!

Now to my blog o’ the day-

Every night we put our daughter to bed at seven. She then proceeds to talk to herself for about a half an hour until she goes to sleep. I often wonder what can a 1 1/2 year old have to talk about for that long every night in a pitch black room?

Here are some of my theories:

1. Ghost- The obvious reason is a ghost comes out every night and sits and talks with her every night. This is very plausable since a little boy was kidnapped and held in this house about 20 years ago. (thankfully they didn’t kill him in the house)

2. She is sleep talking- She often talks in her sleep as well as sings, so maybe she is already asleep and just talking in her dreams.

3. Ordering her toys around- All she does all day long is tell her dolls/animals what to do. So maybe they need a 30 min instruction period before sleep everyone. She runs a tight ship.

4. Edward Cullen- Edward Cullen could be visiting her every night. This is Louisiana home of the many vampire legends.

Anyone else have an over talkative kid and have any theories??

 

Three people to avoid at all costs

My three least favorite people in life are the topper, the judger, the life is black/white guy. They just have this ability to get right under my skin and fry up my nerves. I end up  walking around all on edge just waiting to pop.

The topper- This is the person you know that always did it better. You tell a story and they have one about how they did the same thing only better. Example. I was telling everyone at work I had lost fifty pounds of baby weight. Moms you know this excitement. The topper chimed in well I didnt have a baby and I lost ten pounds. Ok really? Seriously? Thanks you just couldn’t let me have my  moment could you? Oh wait I forgot it is all about you.

The Judger- This is the person who no matter what you say to them the response carries a tone of judgement. You can say anything and the response is lofty the eyes look down at you. They are shorter then you. Doesn’t matter, they can still make you feel small. All I have to say is no matter what you do or who you are there will always be someone who judges you, so go ahead judge me I ain’ t trippin’ .

Life is Black/White- This is the person that thinks life can only be one way, their way. They not only refuse to admit anyone can do things differently, they are cruel and hateful to those that do. Oh but can you talk it out. No. Don’ t try to reason with them it only makes them mad. If you make one mad don’t make eye contact. Slowly back away. If they continue to come toward you begin to agree with them and run. Run as fast as you can. They wont stop until you believe.

My Louisiana

There is something different about the air in Louisiana. One day if you ever visit this great unique state you will understand.

Enter my theory as to why:

The air is alive. Literally. As people have passed away they get trapped in the thick swamp air making it thicker and thicker. Until the air is so filled with spirits that just a step outdoors in July and you feel like you are parting the air with each painstaking step.   The sweat drips off your face yet never makes it to the ground. They soak it up.

But this must only be a problem in the summer. Wrong. Because every know and then the temperature drops below thirty. (That is not cold you say) But it is not the cold of which you are used to. It is as though in one small swipe every soul hanging in the live oaks took one deep breath in all at the same time. And the air is at once lifeless. Cutting right to the bone.

Be careful what you say they are listening…