It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood

I think the time has come to fill you in on the neighborhood gossip.


Where to start? Where to start?

There is the family across the street. Last I spoke to you about them, she was pregnant and outside smoking each night a 4am. Fast forward. Right after the baby is born she confesses to an affair. All hell breaks lose over there. Cops, yelling, black eyes, and loud conversations on cell phones in the driveway about how you were supposed to tell your spouse too. But, would that break them up? Hell no. They are going strong. See kids marriage does exist. Then the wifey sees her in the winn dixie parking lot making out with some old lady. But, nothing ever came from that. All the while in two and a half years they have never spoken to me, but the one time she asked me if she could move her mailbox next to mine. Which she never did. But, then out of now where their dog gets out and wifey brings him back and now we are friends. Bam, just like that. They wave at wifey, make small talk when she is edging the yard. Wait maybe she is hitting on wifey and I should watch out. Who are you kidding she would beat me up with her pinky finger in her sleep. I will not piss her off. Thanks.

Then their are the old people who live in the three houses next to me. House one- 89 year old lady, with the boyfriend that says sexual things to her in front of everyone. House two- 75 year old lady who makes quilts for 25 dollars. House three- A vet that has been pretending to be crazy for so long to get money from the government that he turned crazy. He argued with a cop over an apple that was in his driveway that was not his for three hours.  So here is goes, One is trying to date the vets friend down the street because he has more money than her current boyfriend, and she needs a boyfriend that will take her on vacation. One asked Two to make her an online dating profile so she could find a rich boyfriend. Because at 89 what one needs is a rich boyfriend. Well, two said no I wont do it. You buy a computer and do it yourself, so she got pissed. Now one is not talking to two, and one turned the vet against two also. Don’t let one of them catch you talking to the others or they will give you the look of death. I am just waiting for cops to get called over an old people fight. It would be hilarious. Teeth flying through the air, slippers across the road, and whatever else old people would fight with. Maybe there are really a secret polygamous mormon family with secret underground tunnels between their houses. Or, maybe they are all cousins and have been feuding since birth. Who really knows.

Until next time.

Stop, Drop and Roll

Often times in life you find yourself in awkward uncomfortable situations. One of my least favorite is the walking in on a couple fighting moment. For me this is an every day situation with my neighbors. It is a knock down drag out fight everyday. Then loud phone conversations about affairs. What to do in this situation?

1. Never leave your house again. Your house is warm and safe. And hey you can even get groceries delivered now.

2. Pretend to be on your phone as you walk to and from your car. This gives you the appearance of not hearing anything that is going on.

3. Send flowers with a love you note attached. And just sit and wait for the fireworks to ensure. That will be a good show. Don’t forget to have popcorn ready.

4. Sell your house, join the peace corps, and give up shaving. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

5. Hide behind the curtain and take notes on what not to do in a marriage. Someone might as well learn something from this situation. Then sell your ideas and go on Oprah.