Making A Gaybie The Second Trimester

Sexy belly shadow

Sexy belly shadow

The second trimester is when you find out if you are having a boy or a girl. Many people are uncomfortable with lesbians having boys. You can tell this by when they say oh thank goodness you are having a girl since the baby won’t have a father. That would just ruin a boy not having a father. To which you throw glitter on them ( gays always keep emergency glitter) and walk away. Not really, usually I just grimace and make note to never speak to them again.

I was quite nervous waiting to find out if it was a boy or a girl. I have a sister and really wanted my daughter to experience life with a sister. But, at the same time would be remiss if I did not get the experience of having a son. But, luckily this was out of my hands.

And guess what folks, a beautiful bouncing girl. Now, do I believe the ultrasound. Of course not. Would I be my skeptical self, If I believed them that I was having a girl without a second ultrasound to back it up? So, I am going to paint the room yellow, just in case they were wrong and not open any  pink presents until the second ultrasound at the end of the pregnancy says girl too. A little overboard, maybe, but hey I’m pregnant. Isn’t that just the best excuse for all of your normal crazy. Oh sorry, I’m just pregnant and hormonal I can’t help it. Hahahaha I can help it, but why waste a good opportunity to say and do all the crazy things you think about regularly with no repercussions?

The second trimester is supposed to be the best time in the pregnancy. You should have more energy and stop feeling sick. I did stop puking and had more energy, but I still did not feel like a pregnant superhero or anything fabulous. Or maybe I was a pregnant superhero stopping crimes of injustice against pregnant women everywhere. You can’t prove I wasn’t. 😉

I don’t have any funny stories or silly songs for this middle part of my pregnancy. I spent all of my time writing a semesters worth of lesson plans, tests, answer keys and power points for my maternity sub. To later have my department give me nasty looks when I went on leave. Because obviously me having a baby was a huge inconvenience to them. Didn’t I know you were supposed to be rich like them and stay at home with your children and not burden the work force with your absence. Gee why didn’t I think of that. When I finished that I had to meet with my advisor to make edits on my thesis because why just have a baby when you can have a baby, and finish you last semester of grad school at the same time. Gotta make life challenging folks or what is there?

My advisor is hilarious. Here is a sample of some of our meetings

1- You want to see pictures of my cat this morning? Me- sure ( thinking is he serious?) He then proceeds to spend a half an hour showing me pictures of his cat on his phone and tells me the story of how she got her name.

2- We are at a dinner party, as I work with his wife so we see each other at a myriad of social functions. He sits down turns to his wife and goes we need to get cocoa puffs on the way home. I haven’t had them in like ten years. She gives him this look of thanks for being embarrassing.

3- When discussing the baby coming. You should bring your baby to school everyday. We are a family and you should be able to bring you kids to class with you. Me- I don’t think the others in the program will like that. Him- oh we will find a little room for you and the other moms. It will be so much fun!

 

p.s. Where are my mom jeans? I thought the government sent you mom jeans, a van, and made you get a hair cut as soon as you popped the second kid out? Maybe they will come next week?

 

Part one of this series:

making a gaybie the first trimester

 

 

Top 5 things to NOT ask a pregnant lesbian

Earlier I wrote a mind blowing post about what not to ask a lesbian about sex. Today I am going to blow your mind with more gay education.

What not to say to  a pregnant lesbian:

Why yes, that is my belly, my how long ago that seems now.

1. But you can’t get pregnant? / How did that happen? 

One, you sound ignorant. There is in fact multiple ways to get pregnant without having sex with a boy. Two, what you are really asking me is how I got sperm in my vagina. You do realize that don’t you? Have you ever asked a straight woman that? No, because it is rude as hell to ask someone how they got sperm up their vagina.

2. Won’t you kid be messed up because they don’t have a dad?

The best part this was asked to me by someone who is messed up because their parents were abusive, yes, her heterosexual mom and dad. To answer your question, no my child will be far better off, more loved, and more prepared for life than you ever were. Thanks. And yes, I have multiple research studies to back that up.

3. Who’s the dad? 

Really? Do you ask your straight friends this? Just because they are in a committed relationship doesn’t mean that is the dad. No, that would be rude wouldn’t it? My standard answer, my baby is a blessing from god. Thank you.

4. Was it an accident?

This one made me laugh and laugh. They literally forgot I couldn’t get pregnant by accident. Made my night.

5. Are you going to tell them who their dad is? 

One, none of your damn business. Two, they have two parents thank you. Did I  mention it is none of your damn business.

6. Do you think they will be gay?

One, straight people have gay kids, not gay people. Two, I can no more change the color of my child’s eyes then their sexuality. If they are gay it is not because of me, but because they were born that way. I will love them no matter what. What we really should be discussing is how you will handle it when your kid comes out.

oops that is six not five. Oh well. I could go on all night.