Hey woman, where did you put my teeth?

When the power goes out the red necks come out to play. I guess technically they are cajuns if they are from Louisiana and red necks if they are not. But, I am going with red necks just to be safe, you can’t call someone a cajun down here if they are not one. But then you can’t call someone a red neck who is a cajun either. It’s a lose lose situation. So, lets just say everyone comes out to play.

I do not know what I did to make god turn my power on, but thank goodness he did. Many parts of my neighborhood are still without power. So, the neighbors are out and about creating endless amounts of entertainment. These are the lovely things that they can be seen doing:

1. Teenagers actually riding bikes. Sure they were smoking cigarettes and dressed like mini thugs, but hey, they were riding bikes!

2. The drug dealing neighbor lady ,whose husband I haven’t seen in days, was making out with an old lady in the winn dixie parking lot. You would not believe the stuff that goes down at the winn dixie around here. The land of dreams kids.

3. This truck. I am certain he was there to pick up their daughter for date. Right?

So, dad I have a new boyfriend….

4. My friend’s husband is having a custom built iron frame that will hold 100 small LSU flags and one large confederate flag mounted on his truck. In case you thought you were classy. Guess again.

5. People wearing this shirt. Can you find the grammatical error? Yes, they wear it with pride. Guess what happens when you tell them about the error? You kidding, I am not fighting a drunk red neck over grammar.

Tactless friends make the best friends

There have been so many high points to Hurricane Isaac, where do I start? The best moment may have been when Romney came and asked our governor where all the water came from? The sky, the rivers, or the ocean. Really people? Or maybe it was when Jindal got upset that Obama wasn’t giving the state enough government assistance? Yes, the man who thinks the government should never give assistance said that. No, none of those quite make my top number one spot. It had to have been a conversation with my good friend F over text.

The following is a friend  of mine F recalling over text a conversation we had  3 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. It took place at a king cake party. [For those of you not from Louisiana, that is when you get a king cake from each of the bakeries claiming to make the best and everyone eats them all. Pretty wicked party] Names have not been included to protect the awesomeness of my friend’s  private lives. They are wild people.

Scene: Nevercontrary (NC) is sipping a non alcoholic beverage in the dining room F notices the panel of stretchy fabric atop NC’s jeans. NC starts talking about “the baby” to someone (probably H or T).

F is confused and turned to M and says ” Is NC pregnant?”

M: Yes

F: Did she start dating  boys?

M: No

F: Where did the baby come from?

M: I don’t know (sarcastically) why don’t you ask her.

F: Hey NC, are you pregnant?

NC: Yeah, Laura didn’t tell you?

M: NO F! DON’T

F: Did you start dating boys?

NC: (clearly annoyed) No.

L: F! M says you need to come in the kitchen right now!!!!

F: So where did the baby come from?

NC: FROM GOD!!! ( gives intense bitch face)

F: Well Duh!

End Scene.

Obviously the best thing to do during a hurricane is to remember hilarious times with friends.

*Side note, it turned out to be a hurricane and not a zombie attack. Yes, I was disappointed too*

Hurricane or Zombie Attack? Asking the hard hitting questions.

It’s time to play  “Am I preparing for hurricane isaac or the zombie apocalypse…..”  game <I’m singing game show music, you just can’t here it.

1. You go to walmart the only empty isle is the beer isle-

photo borrowed from my cousin’s facebook. Shh don’t tell him.

The answer is both a hurricane and a zombie apocalypse. Both occasions require lubrications.

2. Hoarding as much gas as possible.

photo borrowed from my friend allison.

Again, both a hurricane and the apocalypse. You need lots of gas to out run both a storm and a crazed zombie. Obviously.

3. Your facebook feed is suddenly inundated with people posting about how many batteries they have in their house.

I got nothing on this one. Batteries people? Come one really. Who even uses batteries anymore. Zombies, that’s who.

Based on my obviously scientific study, I can conclude that it is not in fact a hurricane of rain and wind coming my way, but in fact a swarm of flying zombies.

You have been warned.