The day the lights went out

Last thursday night there was a terrible no good very bad storm and it shook the whole house. This storm was so fierce that it knocked the power out a school and thus we got the day off of school.

Days off are great, unexpected days off are EPIC.

This is a recount of my EPIC day off.

I was running late and so the wife took the girls to school. She called me all pumped, “guess what I heard on the radio you don’t have to go to school today!” I was super pumped. What would I do first? Should I go back to bed? Go streaking through the quad?The options were endless so naturally, I took a long hot bath, which I have not been able to do since before the baby was born. It was a beautiful thing. Then I went to day care and got the baby. Because you don’t get much alone time with the second baby and I was getting my baby time in. Next, the babes and I met the wife for lunch and ate some bangin barbeque. Then I spent the afternoon playing with the baby.

This may not sound like much to you, but to me it was perfect.

That evening my oldest sat the baby down next to her and explained the finer art of yo gabba gabba.

The perfect beginning of my perfect mother’s day weekend.

"You're favorite is toodee, my favorite is Foofa"

“You’re favorite is toodee, my favorite is Foofa”

Top 5 things to NOT ask a pregnant lesbian

Earlier I wrote a mind blowing post about what not to ask a lesbian about sex. Today I am going to blow your mind with more gay education.

What not to say to  a pregnant lesbian:

Why yes, that is my belly, my how long ago that seems now.

1. But you can’t get pregnant? / How did that happen? 

One, you sound ignorant. There is in fact multiple ways to get pregnant without having sex with a boy. Two, what you are really asking me is how I got sperm in my vagina. You do realize that don’t you? Have you ever asked a straight woman that? No, because it is rude as hell to ask someone how they got sperm up their vagina.

2. Won’t you kid be messed up because they don’t have a dad?

The best part this was asked to me by someone who is messed up because their parents were abusive, yes, her heterosexual mom and dad. To answer your question, no my child will be far better off, more loved, and more prepared for life than you ever were. Thanks. And yes, I have multiple research studies to back that up.

3. Who’s the dad? 

Really? Do you ask your straight friends this? Just because they are in a committed relationship doesn’t mean that is the dad. No, that would be rude wouldn’t it? My standard answer, my baby is a blessing from god. Thank you.

4. Was it an accident?

This one made me laugh and laugh. They literally forgot I couldn’t get pregnant by accident. Made my night.

5. Are you going to tell them who their dad is? 

One, none of your damn business. Two, they have two parents thank you. Did I  mention it is none of your damn business.

6. Do you think they will be gay?

One, straight people have gay kids, not gay people. Two, I can no more change the color of my child’s eyes then their sexuality. If they are gay it is not because of me, but because they were born that way. I will love them no matter what. What we really should be discussing is how you will handle it when your kid comes out.

oops that is six not five. Oh well. I could go on all night.

Conversations with a 2 year old

Conversations with my 2 year old:

 

Me- In five minutes it is bed time

Five minutes later

Me- Come here T.

T- No I’m not stupid.

 

In reference to her barbie skipper

T- I want Skipper to say hi to the boys.

 

Dad at Park- I can’t remember how old my kid is, I am a terrible father

T- He is stupid.

 

T- I want to watch bad guys

Me- How about a princess movie

T- No, bad guys.

 

Me- T, I don’t feel good sing me soft kitty.

T- Soft kitty, warm kitty… BAD KITTY hahaha.

 

At the splash park

T- points at a four year old- he is a baby he has a diaper.

kid runs away crying.

Wife to mom- I’m so sorry, I will make her apologize

Mom- no he needs to man up and stop wearing diapers.

 

At the park on the swings

T- Talking to one year old next to her- this is my mama my mommy is at school.

Dad takes kid and leaves.