Dirty Thirty

The time is upon me folks. I am turning thirty.

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I could write a sappy blog about how I don’t want to get older and blah blah blah. It would be a lie. Getting older is way better than the alternative, death. Plus I have been excited about turning thirty for probably a decade now. Finally my age matches my lifestyle. You see when you tell people you are 25 and like to go to bed at eight pm and eat oatmeal for breakfast when you rise at dawn people look at you funny. Now, I am thirty and people expect me to be a boring ass adult. What  a relief to finally meet peoples expectations.

It took me thirty years to get here. It has been one hell of a ride. Here are a few of the things I have learned in my thirty years. Hopefully you can use this knowledge in your journey to avoid death.

1. Alabama football sucks balls. Everything about Alabama football is evil. Pure Satan at work there.

2. Ghosts totally exist. Don’t believe me get away we cannot be friends.

3. Republicans are awful. Yeah I said it. Most of my friends are republicans, what does this mean??

4. I still can’t decide who gets more excited to see boobs, lesbians, teenage boys, or nursing babies. Maybe I will know this by forty.

5. Home school is where it’s at. The longer I teach in public school, the more convinced of this I am.

6. True love does exist and so do soul mates.

7. Food is medicine, prescriptions kill you.

8. I’m lactose intolerant. How the hell did I miss this for thirty years. Damn.

9. People suck. Don’t expect too much from them.

10. I need more gay friends. I am drowning in straight girls and I cannot sit around while they talk about penis anymore.