Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for everything you have in life. Spend amazing family time together. And of course eat alligator. Wait, what you don’t eat alligator stuffing with your turduckin? Are you not American? Oh wait I get it.
Where you live it is not 80 degrees and swamp covered. Thus you don’t have a large supply of alligators and it would be too expensive to put it in your dinner.
Oh hang on you dont have turduckin either? What do you even eat? I bet you didn’t even have fried pickles as a side. A Turduckin is a hen stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey and it is epic and awesome. You can order one online. Do it. You wont regret it.
I really do enjoy thanksgiving. Especially now that I have a little girl that likes to put on a show for the family. She sings and dances and chases the animals around the house. She runs around talking the whole time. I can usually understand about one in every four words. I usually just comment something such as of course baby, totally, and thats sounds great, uh huh. Thinking on it. What if she is telling me of her plans to take over the world with her ninja baby friends. Or how she is planning to be a horrible teenage girl and is already laughing at my future torment. Here I am smiling and nodding as if she were saying something cute and funny. Maybe all the babies are just laughing at us. I bet they have secret meetings and are plotting their take over as we speak.
My neighborhood is a quiet neighborhood. Small little houses dotting the landscape of suburbia. From time to time I get someone trying to sell something. Until I put up a no solicitors sign. I can only have someone come to my door trying to sell me religion as if my house somehow implies I need saving once a year before I reach my limit. I knew painting the front door red was a bad idea.
I like hearing the sounds of kids playing in their back yards. The smells of hamburgers grilling on a warm afternoon. Watching the hot air balloons float across the morning sky every August.
One problem. My crazy neighbors:
There is the cat man. When you walk past his house in the dead heat of 100 degrees summer the smell of cat pee is so thick you might vomit. He throws the dirty litter in his back yard. Has a pallet of cat food and cat littler in his front yard. When the cops came the first round he had 200 cats. He lawyered up and found that there is no law against having as many cats as you want as long as they are healthy. So he got all his friends to bring over new cats. The yard was covered in cat cages.
There is the family that doesn’t talk to anyone. You guessed it thats the smoking pregnant lady. The mom spoke to me once, but only to ask if she could move her mailbox which is on my property. Didn’t tell me her name or ask mine. Quite awkward. Its not just me they don’t talk to, they don’t even talk to the cute old ladies on the street. Who could not talk to a sweet old lady that walks around in her nightgown without her teeth.
There is the really old racist woman that lives around the corner. Watch out for that one. I mean the things that come out of her mouth can not be repeated. If you see her just walk away slowly. She senses fear.
I am a food snob. The older I get the worse my snobbery gets. I almost never eat out. Because there are no restaurants worth eating at in town. Why pay for food when I can cook it better myself. A red lobster came to town and everyone freaked out. They thought it was the most amazing thing that had happened all year. I was even in class with a girl who was from a teeny tiny town in North Louisiana. All she could talk about was going to Olive Garden because they didn’t have one at home. Face Palm. I feel bad for people who have never tasted truly amazing cuisine. It’s not their fault. They simply just don’t know. Of course some people just refuse to eat real food. They are convinced instant potatoes are the best mashed potatoes money can buy. I know exactly what you are thinking. Those people are ruining american family values, what are we going to do? When you see one don’t get scared, they won’t hurt you, but they will try to make you eat their family ending fast food. Try and tell you its ok everyone is doing it. Make you feel like you are the one doing wrong. Don’t compromise your values. Stand Firm. We can bring back good food to your family dinner!
My list of life changing food:
1 . Cheese- France/ Switzerland its a tie. It makes the cheese we eat in the states taste like rubber.
2. Bacon- Elizabeth’s New Orleans praline bacon. I know I have said it before, and I will say it again. Eating this bacon will bring you peace in your life
3. Burger- Five guys. Hands down amazing
4. Pasta- This whole in the wall restaurant in Downtown Miami one table, run by an old Italian man.