Seriously KKK, get your own damn paperclips.

There is an office supply thief in my room.

More specifically pencils, paperclips, and dry erase markers.

Hey those are my office supplies!

My usual theory on everything is aliens, naturally. But, how could aliens get into my room at night, and why would they want my office supplies. Perhaps I have been purchasing magical office supplies and not knowing it. Damn I should have planted them to see if a magic bean stalk would grow.

So, what could be snatching my stuff?

I spent a year thinking, ok not really, but I did wonder from time to time. Until I had an epiphany. It has got to be the KKK. None of my office supplies are white, in fact I only use the black dry erase markers. Gasp! I know. They just couldn’t handle anything not being white. You would think my white boards, and white walls would be enough for them, but no. They had to sneak and steal my office supplies, damn infidels.

But, how does one stop the KKK from stealing your paper clips? Maybe I should set traps. I could leave movies playing about germany, or a confederate flag in a mouse trap. But that would be ineffective.

Who am I kidding the KKK isn’t stealing my office supplies. Aliens are. Obviously.

Damn aliens.

Take me to your leader

I have often wondered where my obsession with aliens comes from. After much thought and deliberation it must come from my father. If you missed it here is a blog I wrote about my dad- promise it is a must read

My whole life he has been filling my mind with Star Trek, X- files, and all books with aliens in them.

One episode of X-files had me so freaked out I was checking every ceiling corner of every room I entered for giant bat men for months.

The best alien moments my dad has provided me with

5. Teaching me all the different aliens in Star Trek

4. Getting my sister to convince me she was an alien. Yes I believed her. No I was not that young.

3. Spending friday nights with me watching X-files instead of letting me getting into typical teenage trouble.

2. Telling the nurse as she gave me a shot to slow early labor down, that she was giving me a shot because it was an alien baby and that is what you do to alien babies.

1. Yes he really said that to the nurse, so it totally deserves two places on the list.

Never such devoted sisters

Most of you out there do not know my sister. She is quite the character. As she is related to me. My father and I have spent the better of 20 years trying to convince her she was adopted. There are no pics of my mom pregnant with her or pics of her in the hospital. Very suspicious if you ask me. But alas she is not adopted.

What was life growing up for two crazy girls like us, well just like the Haynes sisters in White Christmas, naturally.

we can sing and dance at the same time!

But our amazing broadway like skills is not the true reason I know she was not adopted. It is that when she borrows my things they disappear into her house never to return again. Just like when I “borrow” things from my dad. It is a vicious family cycle. Maybe our children will be able to break out of the cycle. Maybe it is too late for them too. My daughter already hides her sons toys in her room when he comes over and waits until he leaves and goes whoops this is E’s toy. Yes, whoops indeed little girl. We all know you hid it on purpose.

Well that and we are arm twins. Seriously. Our forearms are exactly the same. It is the only part of us that looks alike. I wonder why that is? Aliens probably.

So, you need someone to blame

I am in the need of some serious detectives. Someone has been throwing dead fish in the drainage ditch next to my house.

Who could possibly be doing such a despicable thing? The smell in the thick swamp summer air is powerful enough to make you beg for mercy.

My first thought was the crazy man at the end of the street. He has security cameras all around his house, called the cops because someone dropped a piece of fruit on his driveway, kept them there for hours over it. Every year he lets his beard go crazy and goes up to the VA to show he has PTSD, so he can continue to get disability. Does he really? Guess we shall never know, but I am leaning towards yes.

But, if it were him, that would require him leaving his house, which he does not do.

Hmmm… It could be the crazy teenagers that live across the street. Four teenage girls. Their mother is never home. Come to think of it, no one is ever home. They must all have a separate life someplace else. Plus, they don’t seem like the type to touch dead fish.

Maybe it is the thug cats collecting a stash so they can have one raging party later this weekend? I really need to invest in some cat repellant for my yard. Or at least charging an entrance fee.

I think the only obvious solution is aliens.

It is truly the answer to all questions. Why is so hot this year? Aliens. Why is Michelle Bachmann so scary? Aliens. Where do all those missing socks go? Aliens.

 

image from doubtfulcompetency.blogspot.com

 

 

 

Oh it is so on.

Has anyone tasted to new dum dum suckers lately?

They are not the wonderful suckers I once loved as a child.

 

They have all new flavors. Carmel, Cotton Candy, Strawberry Creme, Strawberry Watermelon, Blueberry, mango. And I can assure you they are awful. They have very little flavor and after a few moments they taste burnt.

What has become of my beloved treat?

The only logical explanation of course is aliens. Aliens have taken over american candy are slowly subduing us into a stupor. They are stealing all the good candy for themselves and leaving us with crap. Why? WHY?

Isn’t is obvious? They are super pissed that we won the planet of the year in last years Miss Planet Universe Pageant.

Be warned aliens I am onto you. Sure I let you into our movies and tv shows, but I draw the line at candy. And I fight dirty. So watch you back.

Vampire Babies

 

My daughter loves to eat crayons.Especially the red ones. So that when it drools out it looks as though she is a vampire baby that just fed. The blood red crayons stick to every nook and crevice in her teeth. I often wonder if maybe she is really an alien baby as my dad has been suggesting all along.

I have long been afraid of the day she climbs out of her crib out of her room and I wake with her staring at me. Now I worried she will be there staring at me with blood dripping down her lips.

I have had many conversations with her about not eating crayons. She just laughs. Yes I know conversations with a one and half year old are often futile, what can I say I enjoy a challenge.

I wish I could do what I love with same abandon. Laugh when everyone told me over and over why it was wrong. Not even skipping a beat. As though it did not matter, I loved it and that was all I knew.

Sometimes in life you just have to eat crayons.

 

the only thing that explains it is aliens, obviously

 

Ok I have had it.

Traffic in a small city is the creepy. There are as many people in my entire state as in the city of Atlanta. There should not be traffic. With no traffic I can drive completely across town in twenty minutes. Yet to turn out of my neighborhood. 10 min. Literally. How is this even possible? The cars just keep coming. There are not enough houses down there for that many cars. Its as if they appear out of alternate universe just to piss me off. Maybe there is a rift in the time continium just down the street and aliens are waiting for me to get to the end of the street so they can start sending cars at me. Oh and they are laughing. They think its so funny. Its not. I am not laughing.

One day I am going to find you traffic causing aliens. I promise you that. You better be ready.

You better be ready. I am adding you to the list of people/things it is on with.

And it is so on.