Your mama is so crazy …..

Stories from the other side of the track:

I spent three years working with underprivelged youth. It was a unique experience to say the least. Many of the stories are unrepeatable in polite company. However, I have got a few crazy mom stories I thought I might share.

The bump:

A girl bumped into another girl in line for food. Now bumping into someone is one of the most serious things you can do. Of course everyone saw it and messaged the mother. Ten minutes later we were all in the courtyard and the mom slippers in all darts across the crowds of kids going right for the girl that bumped into her child. Mom is screaming, throwing punches. Took five people to hold her back. Did I mention these kids were 15 she was trying to beat up.

The bus stop:

Legally you are at school until you reach your doorstep. It’s called doorstep to doorstep. Well apparently not everyone knows this. A mom, and older sister waited at the bus stop to “say a few words” to a child. Of course the cops were called. They came up to school the next day not understanding why they were in trouble. The were quite upset so cops were called again. This time the mother and child went after the cop in front of the video cameras. The quickest way to juvie- hit a cop.

OCD + hot mess = love

Have you ever dated someone that is OCD clean? No. Well then you haven’t lived. You never know what you are going to find when you come home. The living has been relocated to the dining room. Sweet I was bored with that room anyway. Your clothes have been washed, ironed, and put away. Awesome. The floors are mopped, swept, vaccumed, and shiny. Good I was planning on eating off the floor and was worried about the dirt. But the best part. I don’t have to touch the trash. Ever. Be jealous.

Oh it can’t be all good you say. But yes yes it can. Because I don’t live with a crazy i expect you to  be as clean as me kind of person. I live with a you can’ t possibly ever clean good enough so I will just do it person. From time to time I think I am going to be good and clean something. Bad idea. It just gets re cleaned. Oh well. Guess I will just continue to make messes. That I know I can do well!

 

Fa la la la la la la

It’s november. Which means I have begun celebrating christmas. Controversial I know. But I love love love christmas. So I celebrate for two months. You want to make something of it. Then we can take it outside. I worked with inner city youth in gangs. I can take you out. Bring it.

In celebration of christmas I am going to list my top five christmas stories.

5. The christmas bench: A friend of mine’s in college mother decided that year they did not need a tree so she put out a bench and said put the presents on the bench.

4. The edible tree: In 8th grade we went to my Aunt’s house and instead of decorating the tree with ornaments we made and decorated gingerbread and sugar cookies and hung them all over the tree.

3. My honey used to trick grandma into opening all the christmas presents in the middle of the night and then secretly wrap them up so no one would know.

2. One christmas my parents gave each of us 250 dollars in ones as out only present. They gave us 12 hours to spend the money. If we had any left we had to give it back. We celebrated christmas that early early so all the stores were open. I felt like I was on a game show. Except for the part when I had to explain to the lady at gap why i was giving her 200 dollars in ones.

1. My daughter’s first christmas:  It was awesome. Need I say more?

Risque. Daring. Breaking the Rules.

I have a set of in- laws. Yep. Afraid so. I wish I had listened when people warned me. They kept saying when you get married you will get in laws. Oh but I didn’t want to believe it. I mean how could such a thing be true?

Did I mention I have mormon in laws. Yep. I am not kidding. Seriously. Don’t laugh. This is a serious situation.

They are very generous people. Even gave my one year old a white dress slip ( because mormans wear special slip underwear) Really the religion has special underwear. What would my daughter do without her mormon underwear?

I have already mentioned their thoughts on young children needing karate. Which was again priceless advice. But have I mentioned that now they think I need to be better with my finances. Do they know anything about my finances. No, but they just sense I need help. Yes I do math for a living and I need your help with my money.

I often wonder what they really think of me. I wear two piece bathing suits. Risque. I have tattoos that everyone can see. Even worse. But wait for it ….I drink tea and coffee in front of them. Going to hell. I am not sure why mormons can’t drink caffeine in coffee and tea but can drink mountain dew. I will have to save the question for jesus when I get to heaven.

Maybe I can just write him a letter

 

Dear Jesus,

Hi. How is it going? You  must be busy listening to prayers and forgiving people’s sins. I just have a few questions.

1. Do you really send bad weather to places because they have sinned too much?

2. Which demonination of christianity is the one and only correct one?

3. Can I drink caffeine? And if so which kinds?

4. Is dancing ok?

5. Are people really soulmates?

Say hi to Grandma for me!

Love,

Me

 

Don’t open your mailbox

Go to my mail box at work this past week. Seemingly normal thing to do. There is a flyer inside. What flyer you ask could be worth a blog? One that is about an upcoming lecture series on helping those with sex addiction. I mean really? I only have two questions.

One- who put those in everyones boxes?

Two- why put those in everyones boxes?

Do they think that there is a bunch of sex addicts at work and they need the help but were too uncomfortable to say it to their faces? Awkward. Or maybe the speaker is someone’s friend and they are being nice and advertising? Or maybe they are trying to find out who the sex addicts are at work?

Can you imagine the one person who is quietly thinking to themselves, “wow I am so glad to see this flyer. It must be a sign that I should get help” They go to the lecture and wam our boss is there. Caught ya! Or worse the boss is there in a corner trying not to be seen.

It is halloween so maybe if you went in a costume no one would no it was you. I have the perfect costume too.   A nun

Now that would make a great you tube video crazy nuns show up at sex addiction workshop. I can see it now.

Not me

As a parent of a toddler I don’t get out much. I can’t even remember the last time I was out after dinner time. I remember being 21 and going out late at night and blasting the music on the way to club. Today I had the same feeling. It was dark out, the music blasting, and I was pumped. One problem. I was in my work clothes still, make up from six am and only going to target. My teenage self would be so dissapointed. I was going to stick it to the man, live in the city, paint my nails black, and live an edgy artistic life. What happened?

I got tired of being broke. Got a real job. Got tired of living in apartments and couldn’t afford a house in the city, so I bought a house in the burbs. Had a baby. And thus here I am. It was inevitable really.

If I could have told my 18 year old self who I am today. I probably would have laughed and said yeah right you are full of shit. Older me would probably just shake my head and say oh you are so young. Just you wait.

Just you wait.

Block Party

My neighborhood is a quiet neighborhood. Small little houses dotting the landscape of suburbia. From time to time I get someone trying to sell something. Until I put up a  no solicitors sign. I can only have someone come to my door trying to sell me religion as if my house somehow implies I need saving once a year before I reach my limit. I knew painting the front door red was a bad idea.

I like hearing the sounds of kids playing in their back yards. The smells of hamburgers grilling on a warm afternoon. Watching the hot air balloons float across the morning sky every August.

One problem. My crazy neighbors:

There is the cat man. When you walk past his house in the dead heat of 100 degrees summer the smell of cat pee is so thick you might vomit. He throws the dirty litter in his back yard. Has a pallet of cat food and cat littler in his front yard. When the cops came the first round he had 200 cats. He lawyered up and found that there is no law against having as many cats as you want as long as they are healthy. So he got all his friends to bring over new cats. The yard was covered in cat cages.

There is the family that doesn’t talk to anyone. You guessed it thats the smoking pregnant lady. The mom spoke to me once, but only to ask if she could move her mailbox which is on my property. Didn’t tell me her name or ask mine. Quite awkward. Its not just me they don’t talk to, they don’t even talk to the cute old ladies on the street. Who could not talk to a sweet old lady that walks around in her nightgown without her teeth.

There is the really old racist woman that lives around the corner. Watch out for that one. I mean the things that come out of her mouth can not be repeated. If you see her just walk away slowly. She senses fear.

Just an average american neighborhood 🙂

Speechless

So as I was reading the news a while back about woman getting kicked off a plane for giving her girlfriend a kiss. The airline said that they did not tolerate anyone kissing or doing anything else sexual on their planes. I find that odd since I that is not what I have seen on planes.

Enter my story:

I was flying back from my honeymoon. I was not kissing or touching on anyone. The couple in front of me, however, was another story. They started out taking shots of tequila. They got up to ten. They then proceed to both get up and go into the same bathroom. And not the one in the back of the plane with everyone facing the other way. They went to the front so everyone could see. They came back and the guy put his coat over the girl. To cover her from view. They were too drunk to think about the fact that you could still see through the seats from behind them. He proceeds to have sex with her right there in the seats. No lie. We could see it all. Not a single airline staff member said anything to them. And they were sitting in a row of three. As in there was some poor random guy having to sit next to this. I didn’t think much could shock me anymore, but damn that tops it. I was traumatized for days.

Now I am sure I could have said something to them or to the staff, but I was in such a state of disbelief I could not utter a word.

 

From guns to pop stars

This monday puts a friday to shame. It was awesome. Most obviously Monday was so intimidated by my threats that she has given up. Yes Monday is a woman because hell hath no furry as a woman. Not only was today brunch for lunch, but the snack was goldfish. Then I was grading quizzes. To someone else that may not seem like a great day. But my students always leave me notes on the quizzes. And of course I respond. Today there were tons. One drew a teddy bear and wrote he will be sad if these are wrong. They were all wrong so of course I drew tears on the bear and wrote he is crying. I had another student who typically draws guns and dead animals ( remember hunting is the norm here) draw two men. So I drew never say never shirts on them and put talk bubbles saying I love Justin Beiber and the other guy said I know right. Try and tell me your monday was better. I dare you.

Math Rocks my face off

I love watching The Big Bang Theory. It reminds me of being in school at Georgia Tech. Oh the memories. Being the only girl in the room, and boys talking for hours about obscure math and science theory. I loved college. No seriously. Nerdy boys make the best friends. They get written off as weird and creepy, but it just so isn’t true. Oh there are the ones that will dress up like star wars and pretend to battle with imaginary people, but we don’t count them. Even they get outcast from the nerd world.

Its like the kid at my job that came up to a co worker and was like .99 repeating, what are your thoughts? I would have been my thoughts of it as what a sexy curvy number? But of course he knew the kid was referring to the fact that 1/3 is .33 repeating and 2/3 is .66 repeating. When you add the fractions together you get 1. When you add .33 and .66 you get .999 repeating. So is .999 the same thing as 1?

Now you are probably thinking why am I still reading this. so much math. run away. run away. But math rocks my face off. I even have the t shirt to prove it. Of which I cannot wear to work because my boss thinks its dirty. Really? Only in the south would saying math rocks be deemed dirty. Face Palm.