It is official…

It is too late for me my friends. I am one of those people.

Sure I have been denying it for years. I ignored the fact that I would get excited about going to Home Depot to buy plants. Pretended I was only going to bed by nine because I had a new baby. Yes, I even own a pair of mom jeans.  They are just so comfy. But, when subconsciously I started singing the mickey mouse club ending song and doing the Minnie mouse dance in the shower tonight I knew it was over for me. I am officially a lame parent. Set on a path of endless embarrassment for my child. Even now the song is in my head. “Hot dog, Hot dog, Hot diggity dog”

 

The hippies are taking over

I have come to the conclusion that babies are born dirty hippies. Gasp! Yeah, I said it. What, did you think babies came out of the womb with reading glasses, an old suit, and a desire to increase their 401K?

They love to be naked. Not just love, but will take their clothes off at any given moment and run around screaming in delight.

They love to play in the dirt, mud, anything messy will do. I mean you can do with so much with dirt. You can eat it. Rub it all over your clothes. Get it wet and jump in it. Throw it at people. Come to think of it, when was the last time you had a good mud wrestling competition. I know it has been too long.

Arts and Crafts are the high point of their day. Crafts, glue, glitter, paint, and self expression. Oh the self expression.

They love animals. Big animals, small animals, fluffy animals, pretty much all animals. They are just so cuddly. Can’t we save them all.

They make music with non musical instruments. Pots and pans, wooden spoons, sticks, or maybe a box. They simply feel the music within them always. Sure they will use an instrument if one is around, but when the music is in your soul, you just have to let it out.

*images from google image*

 

My Pie Rack

I have been watching all of the politicians talking about how life is being destroyed by various awful terrible things. But they are worse things that could happen. Such as having three teenage daughters who make a video called my pie rack.

Go ahead think of something worse. Nope you can’t do it. One horrible day my little precious baby will turn into a teenager and she will date. Just saying it out loud is awful.

So to make sure only the worthiest of suitors actually makes it through I have set up a list of tasks to weed out the weaker mates.

1. Carry a gun with me at all times and casually pull it out to clean every time any potential date comes over.

2. Suddenly need to go wherever it is my daughter and her “friends” are going.

3. “Pretend” to have my sister in law run a background check on him and pull it out to go over the finer points.

4. Invite his parents over so we can discuss our expectations for not having any grandchildren any time soon and make sure to go into details of how they were conceived in case they forgot how it works.

5. Make sure to always bring my daughter the tampons she forgot at home.

Cleaning up and Simplifying Life

I was a vegetarian in a past life. Ok well a few years ago, which seems like another life sometimes. I was so healthy at that point in my life. Practicing Birkam Yoga three times a week, and eating so many fresh fruits and veggies. Life caught up to me. But I am determined to make an honest effort to live a healthier life. Especially now that whatever I am eating my daughter wants to eat. Plus have you seen the ingredent lists on those kids snacks? If I can’t pronounce it, she isn’t eating it. How many chemicals should one be eating every day?

This has not been an overnight process. We started with milk, dairy, and eggs. We transitioned from store brand milk to local organic milk. (We are really lucky in that there is an abundance of local products here) Then we switched the eggs to organic as well as most all other dairy products. Now some days I get to the store and if they are out then oh well. I can’t get worked up over everything being organic all of the time. We just buy local and organic when we can.

The next step was meat. Yes I eat meat now, and my daughter eats meat like it is candy. Thankfully she is not a fan of candy and chocolate. And if you try to give her some, yes I will give you the evil eye. Anyways. What I found after price checking at the winn dixie, target, walmart, produce stands, and whole foods (yes my grocery store is called winn dixie for those of you not in the south. And yes it was developed to support the south during the civil war and is still around or so I have been told. that is another story for another day.) What I have found is that if you are going to buy organic meat, milk, and dairy the best price in my city is whole foods. Target has the best price on annies organic kids snacks. Winn Dixie has the best price on other food items. And the produce stand down the street has the best price on veggies.

You are probably thinking does she really go all those places every week to get the best deal? Well yes I do. I am on a budget here and in order to make the organic fit in the budget a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

This year I am planning of planting a vegetable garden. Last year I started small with an herb garden. I killed it all but the lavender and rosemary. But I will try again. I know nothing about growing vegetables, so any tips would be so appreciated.

Next goal switching out the cleaning products.

Parent watching at the park

I have read many blogs about the various antics of the neighborhood playground. And I can see why the playground is a world of wonder. It holds fun and excitement for all ages. That is until you have to deal with the other parents.

There are the parents that sit down let their kids run away and never look up from their phone again. You now have to watch your kid and theirs to make sure they don’t run up and smack your kid or  you for that matter.

There are the parents who will not let their child leave their side more than two feet. They follow them up every step, and down every slide. Heaven forbid their child learns to do something by themselves. If learn to be independent they might grow up and move out. A horrifying thought.

There are the cool dads. They get down and dirty running around with the kids. Playing pretend sword fights and dragon attacks. They are a rare sight at the park.

The rich stay at home mom. They refuse to look other parents in the eye. Tell their children loudly “no don’t play with that kid.” Whisper as you walk away. If you see one their are two choices. One, just walk away and go to the park tomorrow. Two, walk in with confidence and stare the bitch down. Bullies respond to strength.

And then theirs me. The mom that sits quietly and watches her daughter play.

 

 

Get your mind out of the gutter

Well folks it is that time of year. The two baths a day time of year. Hey… get your mind out of the gutter. It has nothing to do with being dirty. You see 3/4 of the year in South Louisiana, it is swim outdoors kind of weather.

*why am I so specific that I say South Louisiana and not just Louisiana. Well, Northern Louisiana was settled by German Protestants where Southern Louisiana was settled by French Catholics. They are so wildly different that many feel as though it is two states bounded together as one. The strong French Cajun heritage is very deeply rooted throughout the south of the state. You can see it in the food, music, and festivals. The farther north you get the more similar to the other southern states Louisiana gets. But, I digress.

Now why would I let my daughter take two baths a day? Well usually we go swimming almost every afternoon. Since it is 60 degrees out (which is ice-cold for us) we cannot swim. So, she just naturally started asking to take two baths one day. One normal bath in the evening to scrub the dirt from the day away and one just for fun in the morning.

Many people may be appalled at such outlandish behavior. Well look out I even let her splash in the tub, color the tub with paint, bring her favorite blanket into the tub, and wait for it…. she has ten rubber duckies. I figure if you are going to break the rules you might as well go for the gold and break them all. Now if you excuse me I have to make a mountain out of bubble bath.

Do kids ever actually sleep?

In beyond super exciting news, an awesome blog The Lutheran Church of Australia: In my opinion has used a portion of one of my blog Everyone has their reasons as an intro to a super sweet blog on secrets check it out! Bloggers are awesome!

Now to my blog o’ the day-

Every night we put our daughter to bed at seven. She then proceeds to talk to herself for about a half an hour until she goes to sleep. I often wonder what can a 1 1/2 year old have to talk about for that long every night in a pitch black room?

Here are some of my theories:

1. Ghost- The obvious reason is a ghost comes out every night and sits and talks with her every night. This is very plausable since a little boy was kidnapped and held in this house about 20 years ago. (thankfully they didn’t kill him in the house)

2. She is sleep talking- She often talks in her sleep as well as sings, so maybe she is already asleep and just talking in her dreams.

3. Ordering her toys around- All she does all day long is tell her dolls/animals what to do. So maybe they need a 30 min instruction period before sleep everyone. She runs a tight ship.

4. Edward Cullen- Edward Cullen could be visiting her every night. This is Louisiana home of the many vampire legends.

Anyone else have an over talkative kid and have any theories??

 

Lies my mother told you

Why is that once woman become mothers they feel as though they must make all of the uncomfortable parenting moments into beautiful disney princess fairy tales? I’m sorry but I didn’t buy into the princess thing as a kid and I don’t now.

The biggest “fairy tales” moms say:

1. I love my stretch marks! – Who are you kidding? You love your child, they are worth the stretch marks, but you do not love giant scars on your hips, boobs, and stomach. If you were given a button at the beginning of a pregnancy that said do you want stretch marks or not. You would say not every time.

2. My child never cries- Of course they don’t and I never let my feet touch the ground because I fly everywhere I go along with my pet pig that flies as well.

3. My child will learn to share on their own when they are ready I am not going to make them- Totally. By the time they are in prison they will be totally ready to share.

4. Pregnancy is so easy- While some pregnancies can be much easier than others. Saying it is easy is a bold faced lie.  You are only fooling women who have never had children, ruining mens expectations of their pregnant wives, and well to be honest we are all talking shit about you behind your back.

5. My child potty trained themselves- So your child without you ever telling them what a potty is and how to use it decided to take off their diaper put on underwear and start using the toilet. Damn be careful that nose could take out small city at the rate its growing.

*Images from alittlebiteoflife.net, myinnerstillness.blogspot.com

Friday Night Dance Party !

Friday night, time to hit the club. Get dressed up in clothes you wouldn’t be seen in during the day. Put on far too much make up. Flirt with people you can’t stand for a free drink and make out with your best friend’s date. Oh wait. I’m not 21 anymore. The drinks are made of milk, the dancing is done in pjs, and passing out happens at eight pm.  Oh the joys of parenthood.

I finally understand other parents… well some of them

Before you become a parent you quietly judge many parents around you. Deny it if you want but we all do it. Now that I am a parent I understand why so many crazy things parents do actually make perfect sense. Here are a few changes I have made:

1. Messy car- I used to think why do people let their kids eat in the car? Its everywhere so gross. My car is now covered in cracker crumbs, dried up fruit pieces, any food that will safely quiet my screaming child is all over the back seat.

2. Feed your child food you haven’t bought in the grocery store- My daughter loves fruit.   So if we are shopping and fruit goes in the cart she has to have it. I used to think you haven’t bought that how could you let your child eat it. Now I simply put double the fruit I need so they can weigh out the correct amount and then put back the extra.

3. Letting your child run around in public places- My daughter since birth has refused to do a stroller or carrier. She was born to be free. I have given up and let her roam will i follow her around. My former self would shutter at the parent who let their child walk around the restaurant. But somedays I just have to let her be free.

 

How have your ideas changed since parenthood?