Tomorrow is the Alabama vs. LSU game.
Who do you want to cheer with?
Each night I walk to my dad’s house. What can I say, I am a little attached. Mind you we do not live in the country, but apparently we now have neighbors whose chickens roam the neighborhood. I haven’t seen the pitbulls lately, so perhaps the chickens took care of them? The mean chicken police of Louisiana. Watch out they will cut a bitch.
It was a hot humid saturday morning. All was calm on the long drive out to the country. What would posses someone to drive to the country? Overpriced pumpkins, thats what. The day was looming over me, I should have known it would all go bad quickly.
The day started out with a screaming toddler adamant that she did not have a thing to wear in her closet. Yes, she was completely serious, and yes she tries on at least three to four outfits each morning, runs to my room, looks in the mirror to check it out and comes back to say that she cannot wear this dress, she needs another one. An hour later, we are at target attempting to find a suitable dress for her. Don’t judge me. So, we found a coral satin dress on clearance put in on in the aisle, because she undressed right there, and headed to the patch to look for pumpkins in the 90 degree heat.
We park the car right on top of a …. fire ant hill! As I am unbuckling said child from the car ten ants bite me all at once, because they are bitches like that. I yell out “O Shit,” as I try and scrape them off me. So of course my daughter is walking up to the patch going oh shit, oh shit. Luckily I ignored it, so she stopped.
First stop, face painting! Nope. We walk up and she covers her face screaming. Fail.
Second stop, Pumpkins! Nope. She refuses to touch them because, ready for it, they have dirt on them. Yes indeed folks. We can’t buy a pumpkin because it has dirt on it. You cannot teach this level of girlie.
Third stop, rides. Yes. Finally she will play on the playground and run around. Success. I am so glad we drove all the way out here for you to play on the playground little one. At least I bought a jar of homemade strawberry jam.
Finally, Titi arrives ( this is her aunt aka my sister ) She scoops her up and away they go to pet the animals. Even gets her to hold a baby chicken!
Yet another years pumpkin patch written down in the books. Maybe next year we will travel and visit friends in the fall so we can go to an apple orchard instead.
I think the time has come to fill you in on the neighborhood gossip.
Where to start? Where to start?
There is the family across the street. Last I spoke to you about them, she was pregnant and outside smoking each night a 4am. Fast forward. Right after the baby is born she confesses to an affair. All hell breaks lose over there. Cops, yelling, black eyes, and loud conversations on cell phones in the driveway about how you were supposed to tell your spouse too. But, would that break them up? Hell no. They are going strong. See kids marriage does exist. Then the wifey sees her in the winn dixie parking lot making out with some old lady. But, nothing ever came from that. All the while in two and a half years they have never spoken to me, but the one time she asked me if she could move her mailbox next to mine. Which she never did. But, then out of now where their dog gets out and wifey brings him back and now we are friends. Bam, just like that. They wave at wifey, make small talk when she is edging the yard. Wait maybe she is hitting on wifey and I should watch out. Who are you kidding she would beat me up with her pinky finger in her sleep. I will not piss her off. Thanks.
Then their are the old people who live in the three houses next to me. House one- 89 year old lady, with the boyfriend that says sexual things to her in front of everyone. House two- 75 year old lady who makes quilts for 25 dollars. House three- A vet that has been pretending to be crazy for so long to get money from the government that he turned crazy. He argued with a cop over an apple that was in his driveway that was not his for three hours. So here is goes, One is trying to date the vets friend down the street because he has more money than her current boyfriend, and she needs a boyfriend that will take her on vacation. One asked Two to make her an online dating profile so she could find a rich boyfriend. Because at 89 what one needs is a rich boyfriend. Well, two said no I wont do it. You buy a computer and do it yourself, so she got pissed. Now one is not talking to two, and one turned the vet against two also. Don’t let one of them catch you talking to the others or they will give you the look of death. I am just waiting for cops to get called over an old people fight. It would be hilarious. Teeth flying through the air, slippers across the road, and whatever else old people would fight with. Maybe there are really a secret polygamous mormon family with secret underground tunnels between their houses. Or, maybe they are all cousins and have been feuding since birth. Who really knows.
Until next time.
I have a bone to pick with the snotty college runners at the lake.
Oh so you are in your early 20’s and run, good for you. I am sure that makes you feel really special. I am here to break it to you, you are not special. In fact only your mommy and daddy think you are special, and maybe not even them.
When a car is driving on the road, yes, the road where cars have the right of way and you have nothing. You cannot just continue to run down the middle of the road. I know you think your shit doesn’t smell because you got into a state school. Please tell it to someone who cares.
Get out of the damn road.
I am quite certain you expect me to drive up onto someone’s lawn, or magically grow wings and fly my car over the lake, so you don’t have to move two feet over to the side of the road. But maybe, if you actually attended class instead of running in circles for fun, you would know that I cannot do that.
Please be warned next time, I will honk my horn, stick my head out the window, and yell that it is a life threatening emergency, and you will be held liable for not moving your ass.
And if that frightens you and your fall, I will laugh. And point. Take a picture and put it on facebook.
Damn college kids, just because you can dress like a slut, drink for days with no end in sight, and sleep with half the football team all before the weekend, does not make you magical. It makes you lame.
Even your friends think so, they just can’t tell you because they are too drunk to remember.
It is the start of festival season in Louisiana. A wonderful time of year. Well, we have two different festival seasons, one in the spring and one in the fall. Ok really we festival all year round.
The fall season begins with the Hot Air Balloon festival. The best time to go to this festival is at night, they light up the balloons so that they glow. It is truly amazing.
You are probably thinking that we have a few festivals. No, we have an epic amount of festivals. I often wonder what people would do around here if it weren’t for festivals. Oh yeah, drink and go to church and then drink some more. Oh and then we mardi gras the shit out of life. Throw me something mister.
Here is a complete list of our Festivals
Arts and Crafts Festivals:
Earth and Nature Festivals
Why yes the frog festival does fall under the food category. How great of you to notice.
When the power goes out the red necks come out to play. I guess technically they are cajuns if they are from Louisiana and red necks if they are not. But, I am going with red necks just to be safe, you can’t call someone a cajun down here if they are not one. But then you can’t call someone a red neck who is a cajun either. It’s a lose lose situation. So, lets just say everyone comes out to play.
I do not know what I did to make god turn my power on, but thank goodness he did. Many parts of my neighborhood are still without power. So, the neighbors are out and about creating endless amounts of entertainment. These are the lovely things that they can be seen doing:
1. Teenagers actually riding bikes. Sure they were smoking cigarettes and dressed like mini thugs, but hey, they were riding bikes!
2. The drug dealing neighbor lady ,whose husband I haven’t seen in days, was making out with an old lady in the winn dixie parking lot. You would not believe the stuff that goes down at the winn dixie around here. The land of dreams kids.
3. This truck. I am certain he was there to pick up their daughter for date. Right?
4. My friend’s husband is having a custom built iron frame that will hold 100 small LSU flags and one large confederate flag mounted on his truck. In case you thought you were classy. Guess again.
5. People wearing this shirt. Can you find the grammatical error? Yes, they wear it with pride. Guess what happens when you tell them about the error? You kidding, I am not fighting a drunk red neck over grammar.
It’s time to play “Am I preparing for hurricane isaac or the zombie apocalypse…..” game <I’m singing game show music, you just can’t here it.
1. You go to walmart the only empty isle is the beer isle-
The answer is both a hurricane and a zombie apocalypse. Both occasions require lubrications.
2. Hoarding as much gas as possible.
Again, both a hurricane and the apocalypse. You need lots of gas to out run both a storm and a crazed zombie. Obviously.
3. Your facebook feed is suddenly inundated with people posting about how many batteries they have in their house.
I got nothing on this one. Batteries people? Come one really. Who even uses batteries anymore. Zombies, that’s who.
Based on my obviously scientific study, I can conclude that it is not in fact a hurricane of rain and wind coming my way, but in fact a swarm of flying zombies.
You have been warned.
If you are from Louisiana you know about New Orleans Voodoo. It is a part of our culture. Engrained so much that children are not allowed to dress as witches for halloween at some schools as to not offend the voodoo practitioners. You are thinking how can a state that votes for Rick Santorum also be a place of voodoo? Well, the people of Louisiana are a kin to a giant blend of crazy, you just never know what you will find here. But you can be sure what you find will be crazy.
One cannot mistake Louisiana Voodoo with that of Southern Hoodoo and Hatian Voodoo- the difference- according to the reliable wikipedia is Louisiana Voodoo is often confused with—but is not completely separable from—Haitian Vodou and southern Hoodoo. It differs from Vodou in its emphasis upon Gris-gris, voodoo queens, use of Hoodoo occult paraphernalia, and Li Grand Zombi (snake deity). It was through Louisiana Voodoo that such terms as gris-gris (a Wolof term) and voodoo dolls were introduced into the American lexicon. Contrary to popular belief the gris gris or voodoo dolls are actually used to bless people more often than curse.
I tried to walk into The tourist house of voodoo in New Orleans and simply could not. I cannot imagine what would happen If I were actually invited into a true house of voodoo. I fear I may faint.
There are many superstitions associated with Louisiana Voodoo:
I have been told Voodoo only works if you believe in it. But, all it takes is one little bit of doubt that maybe just maybe there is something to it, and you are susceptible. If you came across a grave yard out in the bayou on a dark hot summer night. Where their were skulls and bones everywhere, fiery candles glowing, people chanting, and they stop- and all turn to you at the same moment. And shout something you do not understand. Would you think they had cursed you?
Would you believe?
I am in the need of some serious detectives. Someone has been throwing dead fish in the drainage ditch next to my house.
Who could possibly be doing such a despicable thing? The smell in the thick swamp summer air is powerful enough to make you beg for mercy.
My first thought was the crazy man at the end of the street. He has security cameras all around his house, called the cops because someone dropped a piece of fruit on his driveway, kept them there for hours over it. Every year he lets his beard go crazy and goes up to the VA to show he has PTSD, so he can continue to get disability. Does he really? Guess we shall never know, but I am leaning towards yes.
But, if it were him, that would require him leaving his house, which he does not do.
Hmmm… It could be the crazy teenagers that live across the street. Four teenage girls. Their mother is never home. Come to think of it, no one is ever home. They must all have a separate life someplace else. Plus, they don’t seem like the type to touch dead fish.
Maybe it is the thug cats collecting a stash so they can have one raging party later this weekend? I really need to invest in some cat repellant for my yard. Or at least charging an entrance fee.
I think the only obvious solution is aliens.
It is truly the answer to all questions. Why is so hot this year? Aliens. Why is Michelle Bachmann so scary? Aliens. Where do all those missing socks go? Aliens.