Making a gaybie the 3rd trimester

I have officially entered the pee every hour 24 hours a day point in my pregnancy. Exciting I know. I think I may start peeing on myself any day. Maybe I should buy some depends. Am I too young for depends? Nah. I am sure they come in sexy colors. Everything comes in sexy colors these days.

I meet with my doula pretty often at this point in the pregnancy.  I am very nervous about going natural, but I feel very good about the decision at the same time. Not sure if I will post my birth story here or not. I don’t really care for reading peoples birth stories unless it is someone I personally know, so I figure none of you want to read mine.

My hormones are raging at this point. My poor wife has to deal with the most of it, and then every time my dad talks to me I start crying, so he has started freaking out.

The best and worse part of the third trimester is the belly. The belly is finally big enough that you look pregnant to everyone, yet at the same time the belly is getting very uncomfortable. What I learned was with each pregnancy you get more and more uncomfortable throughout the whole process. Of course no one told me this before hand. Can’t break the motherhood rules.

The realness of the pregnancy truly sinks in as time runs at light speed toward your due date yet at the same time moves slower than humanly possibly. For me this causes severe nesting. I woke up one morning panic stricken that we needed to have everything ready right then for the baby. Of course it took us weeks to get everything ready, so I was a mess for weeks. Or maybe I was just getting super hormonal. Of course smack dab in the middle of the third trimester christmas fell and was beyond dramatic, but that story is for another day. What would one of my pregnancies be without a epic dramatic christmas?

Each time I looked down at my little belly I would wonder, is this the last time I’m going to be pregnant?

39 weeks and hitting up the mardi gras parades :)

39 weeks and hitting up the mardi gras parades 🙂

 

For your pleasure the funniest moment of this pregnancy:

Scene: Me 8 months pregnant and in line at walmart in front of two college girls.

Girls: (while looking at the tabloids) Wow look how beautiful Kesha is. Oh look at Kourtney Kardashian’s pregnant belly. I could never be pregnant. I mean look how big your bely gets. You just look down and there it is.

Me: You’re right it’s awful

Girls: (embarassed) OH we didn’t mean you, we meant the magazines

Me: (laughs at their embarassment and stupidity)

 

My beautiful bouncing girl made her debut on her due date after 12 hours of all natural labor 🙂

We are now a family of four Oh My!

p.s. I never peed on myself. Yay!

Making A Gaybie The Second Trimester

Sexy belly shadow

Sexy belly shadow

The second trimester is when you find out if you are having a boy or a girl. Many people are uncomfortable with lesbians having boys. You can tell this by when they say oh thank goodness you are having a girl since the baby won’t have a father. That would just ruin a boy not having a father. To which you throw glitter on them ( gays always keep emergency glitter) and walk away. Not really, usually I just grimace and make note to never speak to them again.

I was quite nervous waiting to find out if it was a boy or a girl. I have a sister and really wanted my daughter to experience life with a sister. But, at the same time would be remiss if I did not get the experience of having a son. But, luckily this was out of my hands.

And guess what folks, a beautiful bouncing girl. Now, do I believe the ultrasound. Of course not. Would I be my skeptical self, If I believed them that I was having a girl without a second ultrasound to back it up? So, I am going to paint the room yellow, just in case they were wrong and not open any  pink presents until the second ultrasound at the end of the pregnancy says girl too. A little overboard, maybe, but hey I’m pregnant. Isn’t that just the best excuse for all of your normal crazy. Oh sorry, I’m just pregnant and hormonal I can’t help it. Hahahaha I can help it, but why waste a good opportunity to say and do all the crazy things you think about regularly with no repercussions?

The second trimester is supposed to be the best time in the pregnancy. You should have more energy and stop feeling sick. I did stop puking and had more energy, but I still did not feel like a pregnant superhero or anything fabulous. Or maybe I was a pregnant superhero stopping crimes of injustice against pregnant women everywhere. You can’t prove I wasn’t. 😉

I don’t have any funny stories or silly songs for this middle part of my pregnancy. I spent all of my time writing a semesters worth of lesson plans, tests, answer keys and power points for my maternity sub. To later have my department give me nasty looks when I went on leave. Because obviously me having a baby was a huge inconvenience to them. Didn’t I know you were supposed to be rich like them and stay at home with your children and not burden the work force with your absence. Gee why didn’t I think of that. When I finished that I had to meet with my advisor to make edits on my thesis because why just have a baby when you can have a baby, and finish you last semester of grad school at the same time. Gotta make life challenging folks or what is there?

My advisor is hilarious. Here is a sample of some of our meetings

1- You want to see pictures of my cat this morning? Me- sure ( thinking is he serious?) He then proceeds to spend a half an hour showing me pictures of his cat on his phone and tells me the story of how she got her name.

2- We are at a dinner party, as I work with his wife so we see each other at a myriad of social functions. He sits down turns to his wife and goes we need to get cocoa puffs on the way home. I haven’t had them in like ten years. She gives him this look of thanks for being embarrassing.

3- When discussing the baby coming. You should bring your baby to school everyday. We are a family and you should be able to bring you kids to class with you. Me- I don’t think the others in the program will like that. Him- oh we will find a little room for you and the other moms. It will be so much fun!

 

p.s. Where are my mom jeans? I thought the government sent you mom jeans, a van, and made you get a hair cut as soon as you popped the second kid out? Maybe they will come next week?

 

Part one of this series:

making a gaybie the first trimester

 

 

My Sister Goes Vegan Part 1

My super amazing sister is going vegan for lent. I thought what a fabulous topic for my blog. I have asked her to write a few pieces about the experience. Now, try not to like it too much. She is a published author and a far better writer than I.

ENJOY!!

 

 

I’m going VEGAN!

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and for many people that means the start of a 40 day fasting period before Easter.  I see it as a time of restraint, meditation, and preparation for the coming of Easter.

This Lent season I’ve decided to give up all animal products.  This may not seem to have much to do with religion, BUT I do think that practicing self control can manifest itself in spiritual ways… besides, my body is a temple right?

Also, I’m also kind of killing two birds with one stone here, because I’ve been slightly obsessed lately with learning about “real,” (as in unprocessed) food, and have been reading some great books, like French Kids Eat Everything, In Defense of Food, and The China Study.  I also read the 100daysofrealfood blog, and Food Babe (in embarrassing quantities), but, hey no one can say I lack enthusiasm!  Long story short, I’ve been slowly weaning myself off of highly processed foods and trying to eat more fruits and veggies.

As my sister’s “wifey,” would say “I drank the Kool-Aid,” and I’m ready to plunge in head first and try becoming a Vegan .    My plan is to fill you guys in on the struggles, rewards, ups and downs of my adventure.  Who knows maybe by the end of Lent I’ll be a brand new woman.

Here are some of my pre-Vegan thoughts that I hope to explore:
1. Will learning to say “no,” to my food impulses give me strength in other areas of my life?
2. Will not having the option of emotional junk food eating help me to grow as a person?  Will I turn to prayer or meditation, or will I replace my cravings with some other temporary pacifier?
3. Will I feel any different physically from eating Vegan?  Will I have more energy?
4. What will I do when eating over at someone’s house (I’m shy and don’t see myself liking to explain all this to people)?
5.  Will I find good Vegan options at restaurants?
6.Will this change the way I eat or view food permanently?
7.Is there any (affordable) AND tasty way to drink coffee with cream as a vegan (this is crucial to my happiness 😉 ).
8.  How am I ever going to give up Diet Coke????!!!!! Blurg!
9..  And of course every girl’s constant question…. will I lose weight? lol.

There should be a number ten shouldn’t there? Dang it!
Wish me luck!  Maybe all my reading will finally be put to good use!

Peace and Cheers!
NeverContrary’s sister….
AlwaysContemplating?  SometimesVegan?  TrulyTerrific!  BlogNamesAreHard!!

Making A Gaybie- The First Trimester

Well bloggers I have been keeping a fairly large secret from you. The past nine months I have been pregnant. Perhaps you had a few inklings when my blog started to smell like puke, or maybe it was the hormonal rants that tipped you off, but I have been indeed incubating a little girl.

Ok so this isn't the 1st trimester- it's 36 weeks, but who wants to see a flat tummy

Ok so this isn’t the 1st trimester- it’s 36 weeks, but who wants to see a flat tummy

I have prepared a few blog posts along the way for your enjoyment. It will be like you were right there the whole way through I promise.

When people find out you are pregnant, they want you to tell them how blessed you feel and how it is the most wonderful experience of your life. No one wants you to tell them what is really going on. It is almost as if we are a part of a secret motherhood society sworn to secrecy.

First rule of motherhood, no one talks about the bad parts.

Second rule of motherhood, shun all the moms that talk about the bad parts.

Third rule of motherhood, tell all the other mothers they are doing it wrong.

I think that those moms out there that say pregnancy is easy, are straight up lying. Thats right I said it. Liar Liar pants on fire. You may love all the weird things about pregnancy, but growing a human from scratch is not easy.

Let’s start at the beginning. For me pregnancy starts with puking. Everyday all day. For about ten weeks. When I say puke I don’t mean the pink nasty liquid one usually pukes up. I mean in the middle of dinner running to the kitchen sink because the bathroom is too far and puking the pasta right back up whole. Then, walking back to the table and finishing dinner. See, I told you no one wants to hear that. It’s too disgusting. But, lets not forget the exhaustion that comes in the first trimester as well. I would take two naps a day folks. Yes, I was in grad school for 8 hours a day, but hey, I teach calculus no need to be awake for a class about math I already teach right?

When people find out a lesbian is pregnant they have  many reactions. Here a few of my favorites this time around.

“You are pregnant again? I didn’t think that was possible.”

~gee, I guess since I am a lesbian I can only get pregnant once.

“Do they both have the same father.”

~Do you have the same dad as your siblings? How can you be sure, did you get a DNA test?

“Oh shit.”

~That was my step mom, nice huh.

p.s. For the next couple weeks I will only be posting and not reading blogs. Just a little busy and sleep deprived. I do hope to catch up with all of you when I am out of baby jail 🙂

Mother in law for sale

Yes, I am quite sure this blog, will come back to haunt me when I am famous and everyone all across the world are reading every word I have ever written as if it is sweet nectar from the gods.

But I have had it.

When I am being told that when I was your age I was just quiet and did what I was told, something snaps.

S091959

Guess what mommy dearest?

This is not 1950

I drink

I have tattoos and plan to get more

I don’t care what you think

I feel sorry for you

I drink coffee and tea (take that mormon jesus)

I married your daughter and I would do it again everyday

Your cruel words and actions only hurt you

The world does not revolve around you

Yes, I did unfriend you on facebook

I swear because its fun

No I will never let you babysit, so stop asking

I do not like cake

Your special mormon underwear freaks me out

It is not ok to spend 90% of your time talking trash about your children

I am not young enough to think you will one day change, because you will not. And for your sake that makes me very sorry. Your cruelty only keeps loved ones from you. What a lonely life that must be.

But you will not take me down with you. I am going to continue to pretend I do not hear you and go on with my wonderful life. Because guess what, my life is pretty fucking spectacular.

Toy Ducks Gone Wild

I walked into my kitchen and this is what I found.

Image

Damn, that’s a sexy kitchen floor

I found myself wandering where was this duck going and why did he need pinks shoes to get there.

Maybe he was preparing for a flood and thought the shoe was a boat.

Maybe he was on his way out of the house and into the back yard when he fell into the shoe and got stuck.

Perhaps he was hiding from my daughter in her favorite shoe. This would be a terrible place to hide as she is always looking for the pink shoes.

Or, he too fancies himself a princess and needed pink shoes for his ensemble that day.

He forgot halloween was over and was trying to go trick or treating as a shoe. I knew I shouldn’t have let him go to colorado with his friends.

Or just maybe the aliens took him to their spaceship and performed secret alien experiments on him and sent him back in a pink shoe. Hey, stranger things have happened. I even dated a boy once.

Nightmares

The nightmares of a two year old:

image from national geographic

T: Mommy! Mommy ! The monkey is sleeping.

NC: Yes baby the monkey is sleeping

T: No, it took my dress. It is a nasty nasty yucky monkey. It is in the house. It is going to hurt me.

NC: No, baby, there are no monkeys in the house. We left them at the zoo all locked up.

T: The monkey is at the door.

NC: No baby there are no monkeys at the door. I promise.

T: The kitty will attack the monkey when he gets in the house.

NC: Ok good thing we have a kitty.

There is something wrong with those damn pumpkins

It was a hot humid saturday morning. All was calm on the long drive out to the country. What would posses someone to drive to the country? Overpriced pumpkins, thats what. The day was looming over me, I should have known it would all go bad quickly.

The day started out with a screaming toddler adamant that she did not have a thing to wear in her closet. Yes, she was completely serious, and yes she tries on at least three to four outfits each morning, runs to my room, looks in the mirror to check it out and comes back to say that she cannot wear this dress, she needs another one. An hour later, we are at target attempting to find a suitable dress for her. Don’t judge me. So, we found a coral satin dress on clearance put in on in the aisle, because she undressed right there, and headed to the patch to look for pumpkins in the 90 degree heat.

We park the car right on top of a …. fire ant hill! As I am unbuckling said child from the car ten ants bite me all at once, because they are bitches like that. I yell out “O Shit,” as I try and scrape them off me. So of course my daughter is walking up to the patch going oh shit, oh shit. Luckily I ignored it, so she stopped.

First stop, face painting! Nope. We walk up and she covers her face screaming. Fail.

Second stop, Pumpkins! Nope. She refuses to touch them because, ready for it, they have dirt on them. Yes indeed folks. We can’t buy a pumpkin because it has dirt on it. You cannot teach this level of girlie.

Third stop, rides. Yes. Finally she will play on the playground and run around. Success. I am so glad we drove all the way out here for you to play on the playground little one. At least I bought a jar of homemade strawberry  jam.

Finally, Titi arrives ( this is her aunt aka my sister ) She scoops her up and away they go to pet the animals. Even gets her to hold a baby chicken!

Yet another years pumpkin patch written down in the books. Maybe next year we will travel and visit friends in the fall so we can go to an apple orchard instead.

mommy look at the nasty pumpkins

I should not be left to my own devices

Reasons why my wife should not go out of town ever again:

image from metrics.net

1. She hides all of the kids favorite toys, so when you promise the kid they can play with them they are no where to be found.

2. She has also hidden everything else you could ever need. Such as crayons, pots and pans, lids to cups, underwear, and essentially everything.

3. There is no one to take turns with when it come to needing a five minute break from the kid. We are coming over papa watch out.

4. There is no one to rub your feet at night

5. There is no one to clean up the clothes you leave all over the floor

6. There is no one to make you your before bed snack.

7. You will have to make your own breakfast.

8. You will be stuck alone at night with no one to kick out of bed for taking up too much space.

9. If the car runs out of gas, you will be forced to go to one of those places they sell gas and fill it up. The horror.

Wifey you are not allowed to go away again.

The time of year we all celebrate what is gross and evil, hooray!

Today is almost October 1st. So naturally, we began our month long halloween celebration. If you knew me in high school you would wonder how I had gone from not celebrating Halloween because it was a satanic pagan holiday to a month long celebration, but isn’t that everyone’s natural progression?

Halloween and October mark the beginning of fall. The stores begin to put out fall decorations, isles upon isles of candy to continue the decline of American youth into a hopeless cycle of depression and despair, and of course Christmas begins to go up in many stores as well. America is nothing if not a good corporation ready to sell you cheaply made goods at your weakest moments.

We began our celebration with cookies. I always bring cookies to the old ladies who live in the two houses next to me. Little did I know that bringing cookies today would make me privy to the war that is about to start between the three houses next to each other all because one of the old ladies needs a boyfriend that makes more money than the one she has. Yes it is an awesome story, but it deserves it’s own post, so I will continue on.

I can smell the cookie wonderfulness from here.

Next we went to the center of all that is Halloween, Party City. The aisles were covered in cob webs with “giant happy bad guys” hanging from the ceiling. Why did my daughter think they were happy, I guess I will never know. Creepy kid. We have been talking for weeks about this costume. She looked through the catalog each morning with her breakfast everyday.

Nothing like the morning paper to get your day started.

It was time to commit. The pressure was building. We went to the wall of pictures and found the number of our costume.  The store clerk, who seemed a little old to be working at party city, brought us our magical Alice in Wonderland dress. She squeeled in delight. Did we try it on right then and there. Absolutely. [the old store clerk said we could so there] What was the first thing she said, when she looked down at her dress? Where is the rabbit? A sign that she has watched Alice too many times, or a sign that she can memorize lines and will be a famous actress that buys me a giant mansion because she loves me so much. Only time will tell. I am hoping for the giant mansion. Blogging parties anyone? Bring your own red solo cups.

“It’s a pretty dress”

Wait, you mean there is more to this magical not yet Halloween day? Why, yes there is. A bath with glow sticks to be exact. I know your mind is being blown as we speak. Glow sticks are something I was deprived of as a child. But, not my kid. We shall glow every night if we want to.

“Mommy, it’s dark”

p.s. Our day ended with homemade chicken parmesan made by my wife, who swears when we met she had never cooked, and a raspberry pie, made by yours truly. It’s ok to be a little jealous. I would be. Except I can’t be jealous of myself.