What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.


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At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. 🙂

22 thoughts on “What the hell is up with grass?

  1. This post made me laugh, especially the title! But I do hear you, grass can be so annoying. Especially in summer, when you mow it and by the time you’re finished it’s all grown back to a foot tall again already because it’s eleventy hundred degrees after a stormy night. Glad I’m living in a townhouse at the moment and this isn’t an issue for me, although I suspect it will become one in the near future…

  2. I don’t care much for grass, either. And I just watched a Ted talk about the reason bees are disappearing, and lawns don’t help. We should be planting flowering plants instead. Which is what I’m going to do. Just as soon as it’s cool enough.

  3. I want a yard of wild flowers if I ever live somewhere long enough to have a yard. Barbara is right it is better for the environment. But on the plus side I’m really allergic to fresh cut grass, so I’ve never mowed a lawn anyway.

  4. I wonder about the grass as well, along with many other things. I have now planned on replacing as much grass as possible in my .25 acres with wild flowers and bushes galore. I will gladly be the crazy garden lady to my neighbors. I am already the weird artist who uses saws at all hours of the night.

  5. I love grass! My parents live in Tucson and I hated that I couldn’t walk barefoot in the yard because 1) they have no grass and 2) there are cactus. I am glad though my husband mows it and I get to enjoy it 😀

  6. There is a very fun Penn & Teller episode about lawns. We’re definitely the bad neighbor with the unruly lawn. Two of our neighbors are pretty obsessive about their lawns. We talk Walt to go play outside in their yards, hahaha

  7. Southern, too. My dad used to pay for the grass barber when he drove by and saw shaggy. Now my significant other does the job. Fortunately, my neighbors frolic in their weeds (not the Bill Mahr kind). Happy, happy street.

  8. Had a friend who bought a home on a 5 acre (that’s A LOT of grass) plot.
    Within 3 months he had a home on a 5 acre ROCK GARDEN plot..!!

  9. Haha! I’ve missed you and your indiscriminate sense of humor. But grasses, my dear are several levels above Homo sapiens in environmental importance. Hate them if you must (I certainly do, especially torpedo and Bermuda), but they are necessary!

    1. Without them, your flower and vegetable beds would be full of (other) grasses. Pick and equally competing but, say, less invasive species like St. Augustine and other grasses will stay out.
    2. Poison ivy, oak, and sumac. They help choke this bad boy out of your plant inventory, but alas, the chiggers will take up their slack.
    3. Better that animals poop on the grass than in your kids’ sandbox. “Wait, Sweetie! That’s not silly putty!”
    4. Meh. I say let it grow. The only reason people spend so much money on turf grass is that Homo sapiens can’t LEAVE A THING ALONE. Don’t water it. Don’t fertilize it. Don’t cut it as much. Your lawn will thank you for this regular abuse. Kind of like Pilates.
    5. Wouldn’t you rather roll around looking at clouds in the soft green blades than a patch of questionable growth (see #2). I choose non-itchy life.
    6. I have a built-in excuse to drink and drive once a week. My lawn tractor, that is. Lord knows, raising four kids without alcohol should be against the law.
    7. Their intensive root systems stabilize soil and host trillions of microorganisms (provided Homo sapiens doesn’t kill those too). Without grasses, desertification can result.


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