Have you met God today?

image from keturahweathers.theworldrace.org

image from keturahweathers.theworldrace.org

I find myself laying awake after yet another family gathering has left me reminded of the gaping hole in my life family and friends have left.

I have been out of the closet for 7 years. Yet, the lack of support is like a fresh wound that will never heal.

My friends and family fall into three categories.

1. The amazing friends and family who not only understand the civil rights battle I am against, and actively work to change it everyday.

2. The acquaintances who call themselves my friends, and say in word how it is awful the way gay people are treated, but not only do nothing about it. They support, the groups and people doing me harm.

3. The people who not only support the groups and people doing me harm, but then compare me being gay to adultry or alcoholism. And that I am being selfish by wanting to be able to do the same things they get to do with their life.

Sure it is easy to say that you can’t control what people think/believe/do, but does that make it hurt any less? How long do you look at their face before the pain becomes to much to bear?

Do you say something or just let it go? Knowing in the back of your mind they will always be out there, actively making sure you are not a legal citizen in your own country, that you have to live in fear everyday. And that they don’t care what you are going through because we all have struggles, so that makes all injustice in the world ok.

Some days I am able to focus on my inner peace and let it all wash away. Others I’m left sleepless tormented by the pain.

The worst thing I can let happen is the anger eat at me. I do not want to become bitter, and angry. How do you let go of the pain when it clings to you so deeply? It is as if the pain knows that it will die if you can find a way to get rid of it, so it hides in places inside you, hoping you won’t notice it.

Please don’t let my pain keep you from eating your chick fil a, or sending money to uganda to help them pass their kill the gay bill, or to church ministries that use shock therapy to cure gays. But, do know that one day you will meet God, and I am quite certain it will not be the meeting you expect it to be.

Until then, I am going to remain strong, live my life, and surround myself with truly compassionate people, who want this world to be a better place.

24 thoughts on “Have you met God today?

  1. Good for you for calling people out on their hypocritical BS. Some people are close-minded and full of fear, which they portray as righteousness. We have to fight their posion and support each other.

  2. *But, do know that one day you will meet God, and I am quite certain it will not be the meeting you expect it to be*

    Jesus said… as you have done it to the least of these (meaning those who hurt for whatever reason) you have done it to me.

    When those at your family gathering do meet God, God will choose to where your face for the meeting… and as the shock of realisation dawns in their eyes, God will hug them.

  3. As a Queer woman (I hate the term “bisexual”, I think it’s been sullied by sorority parties), I want to say that I understand, but I don’t completely because some of my relationships have been “accepted” completely by society. I do get the other ache though, the one where when I’m with a man, people say something ignorant like, “So you’re not gay anymore? That’s cool.” I always worry that even though I have always identified as Queer (or Bi before I had a word choice), someone will think that I’m proof that sexuality is a phase and that really bothers me.

    With all of the scientific studies that conclude sexual orientation is biological, it both baffles and disgusts me that people still manage to maintain their confirmation bias and claim that it’s a choice or a sin or an addiction that can be cured by prayer and electroshock therapy. But the good news is that those people are dying out, your kids will know less of them than we did/do because of people like you and me. Their kids will look at the gay marriage movement the way we look at Civil Rights and wonder why people ever had to fight for something so obvious. I’ve met kids less than 10 years younger than me (I’m 33) who never had to come out because they were never IN. I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe all of this doesn’t change the fact that there are shitty people in your life, but it is already making a difference for the future.

    Wishing you strength.

      • I hope I’m not out of line here, but even though my family sucks (I have no contact with them at all), it makes me really happy to see that there ARE awesome families out there who support their kids no matter what. Anyway, I’m doing a research paper on children who are gender nonconforming and came across this short (30 minute) documentary. I seriously wept for joy, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. If you need a little cheer, this might be the ticket:

  4. It’s the #2 groups who make me cranky. The #3’s really think they’re on the side of right… and until they come down from that high, there’s no point in wasting energy or effort on them. But the #2’s. Grawr. I understand not doing anything about a cause you believe in, even if I find it hard to respect, simply because there seems to be a ridiculous lack of education when it comes to … well, everything. They may want to help and just not know how, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. But when you put money and time into a group/cause that has a mission to destroy another group/cause you say you believe in… it’s hard to believe that level of cognitive dissonance (or hypocrisy, even) is ignorable.

    But you’re also right about how it doesn’t help to let that pain/anger take away the joy offered by group #1. Groups #2 and #3 aren’t worth feeling angry about, but group #1 is worth rejoicing over every day. It’s like math. … sort of. 😉

    Sorry for the ramble, I just happened to read your post at exactly the right moment. *hugs*

  5. I couldn’t have read your post at a better time. I seriously let some tears out because this hit home! I hate group #2 because I feel so surrounded by them, sometimes I feel like even the guy I’m with causes me this emotion which is worse.
    But I admire you and I know discrimination firsthand and not because of my sexual orientation but because I didn’t (til quite recently) have a SSN. So I know what it feels like to be excluded by ignorant people who can’t understand that we’re all from a group called human. Thanks for this wonderful post! So inspiring!!!

  6. Well said. I have nothing in my own life to compare this to, and it makes me so sad and angry for you. You’re so strong for being able to carry this and live with the hurtful actions and reactions of others every day.

  7. Love you. I admire your strength. I know I could never compare any of my struggles with the things you face daily.
    I hope one day, like Mother Julian says, “all manner of things shall be well.” Until then all my love and peace goes out to you!

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