Top 5 things NOT to ask a lesbian about sex


I will admit that the older I get the less people ask me such crazy things. I think it is due to the fact that most of the people I spend time with are over 40. This generation does not have the same, hey lets talk about crazy sex with people we just met mentality.

I am not quite sure why people think that when you are gay, that means it is ok to ask them wildly inappropriate things.

But ask they do.

5. If you ever decide to stop being gay will you have sex with me? – First, the line to have sex with me is very long and you are not even in the first half. Second, I am a fully grown dyke. I am not confused. I know lesbians in movies get confused and have sex with men. Those are movies- as in made up stories. ( no santa is not real either)

4. Don’t you have to have a penis to have sex?- First, sex is different for everyone. Second, just because you need a penis to get off does not mean everyone does. Third, do you ask your straight friends what gets them off sexually?

3. So, do you find me attractive? First, if you are a girl, that does not mean I find you attractive. Most likely not. I have high standards. Thanks. Second, if you are a boy, sure I can appreciate a good looking man. But don’t get that mistaken for lust.

2. So, how do you have sex? How many straight people have you asked how they like to have sex ? Because they can have sex in just as many ways as I can. I am not your lesbian guide into the world of girl on girl action. Go rent season 3 of the original L Word.

1. So when you look in the mirror naked, are you attracted to yourself? Seriously. Did you just ask me that? No, I am a girl, I look in the mirror and see all of my flaws. It is fucked up for you to imply I would want to have sex with myself. Please walk away before I slap you.

62 thoughts on “Top 5 things NOT to ask a lesbian about sex

  1. NC,
    I love this post, although when I look in the mirror, I am attracted to myself, but I am into clowns. My best friend is a gay man, and I’ve been asked a few times by my mother if I was nervous as he might be attracted to me, and make a move:
    1. If he is attracted to me, great, right?
    2. Like you said, by gay doesn’t mean you’re attracted to every single person from the same sex as you, unless they all look like me, and you’re a man. Then how could you not be head over heels for Le Clown…
    Shit, did I just shoot myself in the foot…? That means, my friend is into me…. My mom was right?!!
    Le Clown

  2. These same people don’t open their mouths when it comes to issues of importance, yet they are suddenly Curious Freaking George when it comes to gay sex or anything else regarding homosexuality. This is where you have to dig up your 2 year old self and say “you’re stupid!”

  3. I still can’t believe that people ask such stupid questions when there are so many other questions out there that are more interesting – what book are you reading? Did you hear Marketplace on NPR yesterday? I just heard the best singer – have you heard of…? Sigh…Are you allowed to respond to these questions with a question along the lines of “Has anyone ever told you that you are not the sharpest knife in your genetic drawer?”

  4. I spend a fair amount of time hoping desperately that people WON’T tell me the details of their sex life, gay, straight or otherwise!! I have enough scary things in my head…
    That notwithstanding, I must admit I’m impressed that you have a very long line of people waiting to have sex with you. Maybe that’s the reason for all the rude questions… ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. You definitely picked the right #1. That took the cake. I learned a long time ago, after dealing with one too many ignorant questions, that the best response is a very long silent stare and then asking “Why would you ask something so ignorant?” Those questions don’t deserve responses and with a bit of luck you’ll offend the inquiring mind so much they won’t speak to you again. Hooray! I have a feeling you can take care of yourself though. Great post.

  6. It never ceases to amaze me how obsessed people are with gay sex, yet the converse does not hold true. Rarely, if ever, do I find gay folk even caring about what heterosexuals do in bed. What a prudish culture we still live in today.

  7. This was so awesome on many levels. People ask questions because it is out of their realm of understanding. One of my dearest friends is a gay male, we were sitting together at a party when a straight fellow made an inappropriate gesture of fear that my friend may make a move on him. My friend’s response was hilarious, “my gal pal here doesn’t find you attractive, so why would I? ” exactly! Why do people think we are all so different on the inside?

  8. thank you for this incredibly important public service announcement. it should be posted everywhere. may i add one that annoys the every-lovin’-shit out of me…question 6) which one of you is the man? my answer: THERE IS NO FECKIN’ MAN HERE — THAT IS THE WHOLE GODDERMNED POINT. SHE-SUS CHRIST. much love, sm

    • Yes I really should have included that one. It is quite frustrating. I am sorry I do not fit into your box of who you think I should be. I am very feminine and if I had a dollar for every time I was told I am too pretty to be gay, I would be Mitt Romney Rich.

  9. A few years back, an old friend & I reconnected by the wonders of the internet & found that even though we’d both moved around a bit since losing touch, we were currently living just about 90 minutes away from eachother. I had to be in her city a week or so later for work, so we decided to meet up and have an overnight. Now this was a woman I’d been very close to, she was the last push in my getting together with the woman who was the love of my life (now passed away.) I had little reason to guess that in the intervening years she’d found both Evangelicalism and Homophobia. The worst of it wasn’t the evening filled with gay slurs, but when she suddenly and non-sequiturly (if that can even be made into an adverb) began to cry that since I hadn’t made a pass at her, she must be fat and unattractive now. There was no consideration given to the fact that I’d never, in the years we were close friends, made a pass at her (you know, because she’s straight and not my type?) and no thought given to the idea that maybe I don’t like people who gay-bash. She didn’t even think it was something that should bother me since I’m “only part gay” (I identify as queer) and “not a fag.”

    I’m not sure why anyone thinks it’s okay to ask those kinds of questions of you or me or anyone, but I absolutely understand what you’re saying here!

    • I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. One can only hope that with time she will learn the error of her ways. It is so hard when people we once held close hurt us in that way. Thank you for sharing your story.

  10. People are completely childish and ridiculous when it come to others sexuality. I would never ask any of these questions and if I was near someone who did I would punch them in the face.

  11. Nah…these aren’t real questions…right? Well I’m glad these hard hitting q’s are being asked. Because if not- there would never be the line “I’m a grown dyke”.

    • Wow, Thank you so much!!! I have never been given this award. I am honored. I do not participate in awards now because I got behind on paying them forward and now don’t want others to feel i neglected their award for someone else’s. But I am very thankful for your award and will check out your wonderful blog!

  12. I think what people get up to behind closed doors is their business. There’s always a standard set of (at least) five questions for people who don’t confirm to the masses. In my case, the irritating questions are on the lines of ‘What do you eat then?’ (I’m vegetarian). That’s bad enough, but having people asking nosy intrusive questions about your sexual preferences and activities is just plain rude (as in discourteous). I think the only question anyone would be likely to ask me these days is ‘Do you still have sex at your age?’ …..

    • I used to be a vegetarian. I hated when people asked. I started saying because I don’t eat dead animals instead of saying I was a vegetarian. People were so taken a back that they didn’t ask me any questions.

  13. Pingback: Top 5 things to not ask a pregnant lesbian | nevercontrary

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