Lies my mother told you

Why is that once woman become mothers they feel as though they must make all of the uncomfortable parenting moments into beautiful disney princess fairy tales? I’m sorry but I didn’t buy into the princess thing as a kid and I don’t now.

The biggest “fairy tales” moms say:

1. I love my stretch marks! – Who are you kidding? You love your child, they are worth the stretch marks, but you do not love giant scars on your hips, boobs, and stomach. If you were given a button at the beginning of a pregnancy that said do you want stretch marks or not. You would say not every time.

2. My child never cries- Of course they don’t and I never let my feet touch the ground because I fly everywhere I go along with my pet pig that flies as well.

3. My child will learn to share on their own when they are ready I am not going to make them- Totally. By the time they are in prison they will be totally ready to share.

4. Pregnancy is so easy- While some pregnancies can be much easier than others. Saying it is easy is a bold faced lie.  You are only fooling women who have never had children, ruining mens expectations of their pregnant wives, and well to be honest we are all talking shit about you behind your back.

5. My child potty trained themselves- So your child without you ever telling them what a potty is and how to use it decided to take off their diaper put on underwear and start using the toilet. Damn be careful that nose could take out small city at the rate its growing.

*Images from,

6 thoughts on “Lies my mother told you

  1. number 4 gets me every time – i just want to scratch the eyes out of who ever says that to me…especially now…one guy i knew whose had seven kids told me his wife who didn’t experience morning sickness – ever…right after i told him i’ve been puking my guts out for weeks and can barely function – oh how i wanted to back hand that gloating jolly faced man…these are the times i wished i believed/practiced in voodoo..

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